Bible Study

I am so pumped about what God has laid on my heart to discuss at our next Bible Study group in January! As I was taking Alise to school this morning, my mind was racing with thoughts that God gave me. I went straight home and pulled out my Bible and started reading and writing. I prayed for wisdom and that God would speak through me next time we meet.

There are times when I wish our group was closer than we are, but it's hard when you only meet once a month. Everyone's schedule is so busy that it's hard to pencil in time just for ourselves to spend time together and with God. But in the time that we've been together, God has done some pretty amazing things in the area of our jobs. Four of us out of the seven have had changes either in our job or responsibility and all for the better. We've also gained a new memeber who I really like because she is so matter of fact. There isn't anything that I wouldn't do for these girls. And my number one prayer when we're together is that they take a little nugget of something that can encourage their walk with Christ. That's all that matters to me.

I Am

Revelations 1:8 "I am the Alpha and the Omega - the begining and the end," says the Lord God, "I am the one who is, who always was, and who is still to come - the Almighty One."

Hannah Whitall Smith asks, "What does this "I am" include? I believe it includes everything the human heart longs for and needs. This unfinished name of God seems to me like a blank check signed by a rich friend given to us to be filled in with whatever sum we may desire. The whole Bible tells us what it means. Every attribute of God, every revelation of His character, every proof of His undying love, every declaration of His watchful care, every assertion of His purposes of tender mercy, every manifestation of His loving kindness - all are the fulling out of this unfinished "I am."

The Moon

Did anyone notice the moon tonight? It was so bright and white. I asked my dad if it was a full moon and he said yes and that he had noticed a tiny star right beside it when he had gone outside earlier. I don't usually make it a habit of noticing the moon that much unless maybe my daughter is with me. She likes to point it out in the twilight sky on our way home at night. But for some reason, the white circle shown much brighter tonight and I thought it was so beautiful.

As I left my parent's driveway later and saw it's beauty again, the thought that came to mind was of last March when I drove in Atlanta traffic by myself. Even now, I'm not quite sure why that particular thought popped in my head. Do you want to know what I REALLY thought at that moment? I thought, "What kind of crack was I smokin' when I drove in Atlanta?" Now, to some, driving in a big city may not bother them, but I knew that my dad was worried sick about me back home and my mom told me later, "You don't know how many people were praying back home for you!". I've told the story and admitted that God literally carried me on that trip. I was wrapped and cared for in His hands by the shape of a Ford Tarus. All I had was my sunglasses, Mapquest directions to Rome, Georgia, and a bottle of water. But the thought about "what was I smokin'" was more in the sense of "who am I to think that I could do that in my own power" and I became completely humbled on the way home tonight. I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that God was with me on that trip, but tonight, I thought how in the world could I have ever done that on my own? And then I looked at the moon and realized that if God could create something so beautiful...a celestial star that could control the seasons and ebb and flow of the sea, what more could He do with me and my life? The moon looks so small from where we are, but it's role is so important. God's sovereignty is so important, too, and that's something else that I thought about. He rules. He is ruler of all creation because He is the Creator. Everything belongs to Him.

I like to refer back to that trip to Rome, Georgia, last March because it is a spiritual alter for me. I truly thought that when I left that Sunday morning on a plane to Atlanta, and with the circumstances of events that happened that day, that God was moving me and my family there. All roads pointed to Rome. To this day, I do not understand how abruptly things changed. And I was almost tempted - just now - to type "how God changed things" but yet, God doesn't change. God changed me. God changed my heart and thus began the journey....the journey of depression...the journey of finding myself again. It's ironic - I think - that I would go to the Christian bookstore the day before I left to go to Rome and buy Chonda Pierce's book, "Laughing in the Dark" which is more or less her own personal journey through depression. No special reason. I liked Chonda Pierce and so I thought I would buy her book. Little did I know that that was where it all began. I knew nothing about what God was about to do in my life.

The moon. Just a big round ball in the sky that comes out at night after the sun goes down. We've seen pictures of it. Man has walked on it. And most of the time, we don't even notice it. We don't notice it until God - in all His sovereignty - gives us a reason to notice and to remember.

God Revealed

Luke 2:6-7, "And so it was, that, while they were there, the days were accomplished that she should be delivered. And she brought forth her firstborn son, and wrapped him in swaddling clothes, and laid him in a manger; because there was no room for them in the inn."

I just love this picture! Can you imagine these sweet baby feet being the Holy feet of God? Ten perfect little toes. Perfect, indeed. It amazes me that a great, magnificent God allowed Himself to be poured into a tiny babe. What a miracle! What love! What sacrifice!

Father, I thank you for the miracle birth of your son. And even though I will never be able to comprehend the "how" from this side of Heaven, I choose to believe that you sent your son; that he was born of the virgin Mary and that he later died for my sins. I thank you for the love and perfection that was poured in to that little baby that night when there was no room for you to lay your head. I pray for the wisdom to always have room for you in my heart and in my life.

Mammogram

I have to have a mammogram!! I nearly fell off the exam table when Dr. Sheppard gave me the news at 5:30 tonight!! Yes, you read right! It was completely dark when I walked out of the Women's Clinic tonight at 6:00! My appointment was at 2:30 this afternoon. I heard alot of the patients grumbling about the wait, but I wanted to say that after you've had Dr. Sheppard holding your hand during your entire pregnancy and then help you push your tiny one into the world, you'll wait all day to see her! I feel that strongly about my doctor! She's the best!!

Anyway, back to the mammogram. We were talking...she was reading my chart and all of a sudden, I heard her say, "We're going to get you ready for a mammogram, too." I was like, "What? What did you just say?" "A mammogram!" I said, "Dr. Sheppard, I'm not old enough for a mammogram!" She said, "Laura, I'm only two months older than you and I've already had mine. You can do it! Com'on!" I didn't know whether I wanted to cry or laugh! Dr. Sheppard laughed. She said she normally recommends her patients get their first mammogram at 35 because that way she has a "base line." She thought the whole conversation was hilarious and I was more in shock than anything. I definitly wasn't expecting THAT today at my annual visit! One thing she did tell me was that she was worried about me after my last visit. I don't know if I mentioned it earlier in a blog, but I went to see Dr. Sheppard in October on advice from my boss. I poured my heart out to her. She told me today, "Laura, I'm going to be honest with you. I was really worried about you the last time I saw you. I was very concerned. But you look great today. When I saw you in the hall about a month ago at the hospital, I thought, "Oh, she's doing good. She looks good." And seeing you today makes me feel good that you're okay and you're beating this thing!" Now, that is coming from a doctor that lost twins at 23 weeks this year. I feel like my depression troubles are nothing compared to her situation, but she told me tonight, "I just keep trusting that God's got something bigger and better in store for me and I just keep thinking that it's going to be worth the wait." Wow! What a survivor!

Tonight, I drove home, still in shock. The whole situation was so funny that I began to laugh....laugh out loud, that is. And then I thought about the verse in Philippians 4:6, "...but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God." The "with thanksgiving" part is what stuck in my head. So what did I do? I started thanking God right there in the car for everything and anything that related to boobs! I said, "Thank you, God, first of all, for my boobs. Thank you for a great boob doctor. Thanks, God, for all the boob machines and equipment (aka "technology"). Thank you, God, for the boob doctors that will read my results and thank you for the boob nurses (clarified later) that will help me through this rather embarrassing ordeal. Thank you, God, for boob laughter. I just knew that me and God were laughing together! So I called my friend, Leigh, who is a mammo tech (not a nurse. Techs do the mammograms...shows you how much I know about the clinical side of healthcare. Just give me a ten-key, please!) and cried in the phone, "Leigh!!! I've got to have a mammogram!!!" She called me later and we laughed about it. She said she would "fix me right up" and "not pinch me." She said that I "had connections!" We laughed again.

What a great day! Who in their right mind would have ever thought that I would be laughing about a mammogram!!?? And of all things to be laughing about after coming out of the darkness these past few months? God has been so good these last few months to place two special women in my life to remind me about the special gift we have called life. Sharon and Dr. Sheppard have encouraged me so much! I've left both of those women feeling like I was on top of my game again with God. And it is the best feeling in the world, knowing that you are walking closely with Him!

Conscious Choices

I recently bought the new Beth Moore “Whispers of Hope” daily planner. It is filled with monthly and weekly calendars and each week there is a new Bible reading and devotion from Beth. I’m hoping it will bring a little organization and calmness to my life. Would you believe the first devotional was about organization and creativity? Here is a quote from that devotion: “What God is doing in your life right now may not make sense to you…It’s because He’s creative. God wants us to surrender to His will, but we tend to want a blueprint of His plans so we can decide whether or not to surrender. In His wisdom, God knew the work [first three days of creation] was good because He knew what was coming next. He knows what’s coming next for you. That’s why He can judge His work in you as good.” Those few sentences described me to a T! It’s so hard to imagine that God has got something even better planned for my life.

When I think back to this day a week ago, it is so amazing at how quickly circumstances and situations (emotions) can change. Last Monday was just awful with the dream and yet no sleep and all the other hoopla that went along with it. And yet today has been such a blessing! Today has been a day of great triumph for me personally. This morning I talked to my old friend and boss who has relocated to Fort Lauderdale, Florida. It was with the most awesome peace that I was able to turn down her job offer for the Controller position there. I have no second thoughts. Sharon Evans was so right when she said that God will give you what you need when you need it. Each and every day, I am making a conscious choice to trust and believe that God has got something way better planned for my life. I say a “conscious” effort, because there are days when I really don’t want to believe it and yet by the strength of God’s grace, I do. It is truly a remarkable feeling to know – beyond a shadow of a doubt – that you are living in the will of God and resting in his promises for tomorrow.

Thank you, God, for every blessing, every heart ache, every tear, and every promise. Thank you for the Grace to hold on even when I feel like all hope is gone. Thank you for your Son, in whom I place my trust.

Discipline

"My child, don't make light of the Lord's discipline, and don't give up when he corrects you. For the Lord disciplines those he loves, and he punishes each one he accepts as his child." ---Hebrews 12:5-6

"...our goal should be to ensure that our reflection of God draws our children closer to Him - and that it makes them long to touch the real thing..." ---Lisa Whelchel, Facts of Life actress

I have said before that I do not believe that the struggles I have faced over the last six months have been judgement from the Lord for sin in my life. I have prayed about this and I have a peace within my heart about that. However, after reading these verses tonight, I have a new concept of discipline and how it works. I believe that God uses discipline in our lives, not only as a form of consequences for our sin, but as a tool to make us more like His son. Which is exactly what I feel like He is doing in my life. These verses encouraged me tonight to keep going. And what a great reminder of His love in the same sentence! It is so hard and there have been times when I have wanted to just throw in the towel, but something kept me going. And I think it was the verse in Romans 8:37-38 that says that nothing can seperate us from the love of God. Sharon Evans said that she use to insert "not even a brain injury can seperate us from the love of God." I would have to add, "not even depression can seperate me from the love of God." How encouraging is that?

November Bible Study

I told my counselor on Monday that I was planning a special Bible study meeting on Tuesday…that we were having a guest speaker that is dear to my heart...that I was so worried about how I was going to introduce her to the group and that I had to remember to pick up the sandwich tray. She reminded me that Satan knows my weaknesses and also made the comment that maybe through the dream and set back that day, he was trying to take my focus off my plans for the Lord because God was getting ready to do something extra special on Tuesday night. Sometimes I think I under estimate the power Satan can have over my life. The Bible says that he is like a roaring lion and that he is out to destroy me. I admit that I am not always aware of Satan’s traps and sometimes I might brush off situations and circumstances because “that’s just the way the world is” or just not really being cognizant of Satan’s schemes. But didn’t Christ tell us to be “in the world” but “not of the world”? And I realized that I needed to be more on my toes about this lion that wants nothing more than to see me fail. My strength was renewed and I was determined that I was not going to let depression get the best of me, that I was going to continue fighting Alise over the whole potty training thing and that I was going to do the best job that I could at work. All for the Glory of God.

Last night, God did do something pretty special at Bible Study. I admit that I was a little anxious about the attendance since our group only includes seven girls, but after Lisa made that comment on Monday, I finally just gave it over to the Lord and said, “Ya know what, God? You make it happen. It’s not about me or what I want, but about what you want.” So don’t find it hard to believe that we had seven girls there – including the guest speaker. Only one friend wasn’t able to make it. It was the most “real” experience I’ve had with my Bible study buddies in a long time! We laughed, we cried, and we listened to Sharon as she told us the story about Jared’s accident and the things that she learned through the experience. My favorite part of the whole night was the scripture verses that Sharon had us read. She had a particular story or reason those five verses meant so much to her. She made the comment regarding the peace God gave her at the hospital when Jared was brought in and she said that God is so good to give us exactly what we need when we need it. After I got home, I was so excited that I couldn’t sleep (again! But no more dreams this time!). I was so energized! Hearing Sharon’s story about her faith walk just inspired me to try and do so much better than what I am already doing. I made the comment when I introduced her that I was not surprised be her inspirational emails that began circulating after Jared’s wreck because I knew who she walked with every day. God truly is so good!

A Set Back

My day ended last night with me reading my Bible. I was praying about our upcoming Bible Study and thinking about what I could say to introduce our guest speaker to our group. I finally turned the lamp off around 11:30, but I was still wide awake at 1:00. I think I dozed for maybe three hours and I had cold sweats. Alise woke up at 4:00 needing to go potty so I woke up again. The alarm finally went off, I got a shower, began putting my makeup on and that's when it hit me. I began crying hysterically; I couldn't even put my eyeliner or mascara on because of the tears. I felt like I had back sliden to the point where I was four months ago and I couldn't understand why it seemed that I falling apart again.

I managed to pull myself together long enough to get Alise dressed and to school. The minute I got back in the car, I began crying again. I made it to work, opened up my email and just lost it. I went to my boss's office and told her that I needed to leave, that I just wasn't going to be able to make it through the day. She hugged me and told me to do whatever I needed to do.

I came home and went straight to bed. My head was killing me and all I wanted to do was bury myself deeper and deeper under the covers. I ended up calling my counselor and was able to meet with her this afternoon. After we talked, I was able to trace back my emotions to a dream I had last night. I really didn't think much about the dream, but apparently it sparked my emotions and the depression all over again. My counselor told me that what I experienced today was similiar to what a person who has lossed a love one goes through. Maybe a place or person will bring back all the emotions of the loss. Mine just happened to be a dream (Sorry, but I feel like Joseph here!). She told me that I wasn't crazy (I felt like I was going crazy again), but that I was having a set back and anyone who is trying to go through a loss experiences these "episodes" from time to time. My counselor also told me that Satan knows my weaknesses and knows that I have a big Bible Study planned this week and that he would do anything to discourage my work for God. I told her that I was sick and tired of Satan and that I wished he would just go pick on somebody else for while. She laughed. I smiled for the first time today.

I am better now. My head still aches, but I am holding my head up again. I am thankful that I have a boss who understands and told me to do whatever I needed to do. The difference with this meltdown compared to the all the previous ones is that I felt myself holding on to God. I didn't understand what was happening, but this time the lines of communication were open and I did a whole lot of praying and it's amazing the verses from the Bible that came to mind.

I've been reading in Philippians how we are not to worry about anything, but to pray in all things - with thanksgiving. So tonight, I thanked God for my circumstances and I put my trust in Him even when I don't understand the big picture.

If You Only Knew

"So God has given both His promise and His oath. These two things are unchangeable because it is impossible for God to lie. Therefore, we who have fled to Him for refuge can have great confidence as we hold to the hope that lies before us. This hope is a strong and trustworthy anchor for our souls. It leads us through the curtain into God's inner sanctuary. ---Hebrews 6:18-19

I think believers are truly the most blessed people. Why? Because even though we may be facing the worst storms of life, we still have that tiny, itty, bitty reminder in the back of our minds that this world is not our home. No matter whether or not we want to claim that truth during our storm (because sometimes - even as Christians - we don't want to believe the Word that we've heard all our lives), we have a promise of something better. God made us for the eternal, not the temperal. It is that reminder..that hope...that keeps us going even we we don't feel like it.

During my months of depression, I can honestly say that I never wanted to take my life. My symptoms were more "desperation". But during that time, even though there were days that I didn't want to believe it (refused to believe it), I knew that my hope rested in Christ alone. That truth was revealed to me one Friday at an appointment with my gynecologist. I fully expected her to suggest I have my blood tested for "craziness" and even (gulp!) pre-menopause. But what she said to me was the total opposite. She never suggested tests. She said, "Laura, you know that your Faith is the only thing that is going to get you through this." There it was. The strong and trustworthy anchor. And gradually, each day after that, God began to reveal Himself to me in simple ways. Mostly through reminders of scriptures from the Bible. My hope became stronger.

When I think of the hope I have in Christ, I think of the loved ones that have died and are now enjoying the joys of Heaven. My thoughts are based on what I've "lost" because I can remember what life was like with them here. But, thank goodness, God's thoughts are not my thoughts and when He mentions hope, he refers to the "gain" we'll receive. Isn't it just like Him to be so optimistic and uplifting? Christ knows the joys that will one day come with the hope we have in Him. I like to think of it as "something a little extra." Our minds cannot conceive the treasure our hope truly is, but God says, "If you only knew..."

Thank You, God

"In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you." --1 Thessalonians 5:18

Sometimes it is so hard to be thankful. When tender moments that have previously been filtered through the fingertips of God become unfortunate circumstances and seasons of desperation in our lives, it's hard to say, "Thank you, God." And sometimes we have to go through those storms in order to finally get to the point where we can gratefully say, "Thank you, God." I am so glad that my God looks at the heart of me and not just my emotional state. How fictious it would be to have said, "thank you" during my period of loss this summer. My empty words would not have reflected my heart. And my Father knew all this because he created me the way that I am. How much more fulfilling and exhilerating it is to look back, remember the hurt, to remember the pain and in all truthfulness and joy, exclaim, "Thank you, God. Thank you for the journey. Thank you for pain. Thank you for the lesson. Thank you for making me more like your Son. Amen."

Okay

My dad asked me last night how I was doing and for the first time in a long time, I heard myself say, “I’m doing fine. I’m really okay.” I never thought those words would come out of my mouth again. What was so strange was that I actually meant it. I actually feel good.

Bill mentioned in one of his sermons a few months back that medications for stress and depression were the number one medicines that doctors prescribe these days. He named about three anti-depressants and then drove the point home by saying (more or less) that all stressed people really need is the Bible. Ever since I heard that, I have doubted whether or not I truly need to be on medication and I even felt guilty for taking it. I’ve thought that if my faith was strong enough, I shouldn’t need it. But even I knew that my faith and walk with Christ wasn’t what it use to be. I was ignoring Him. But I also felt like I was in control enough to handle the situation. I shared these thoughts with my counselor last week and she quickly disagreed with me. She told me, first of all, that God created me just the way that I am; there is not a single person on this planet that has the same identical physical features that I do; nobody has the same genetic makeup that I do; no one has the same personality, habits or quirks that I do…at least not all these things in one body, but you know what I mean. So when a person experiences a loss (she keeps calling it this and I am so glad to be able to put a name with “it”), the chemical makeup in the brain changes. The medication helps ease the serotonin, and whatever else those chemicals are called, back to the levels they need to be in order for the physical body to function again. In other words, the whole depression thing is out of my control! God made me that way! And what’s even more intriguing is that He knew all of this was going to happen anyway! He knew about the chemical part because He made me. He knew that I would need help getting those chemicals in my brain back in line and He knew all about how the situation would unfold so that I could get the medicine I needed for those chemicals in my brain. I can honestly say, “Thank God for drugs!! (legal kind, of course!) Wow! I can’t tell you what a relief it was to finally have that guilt and worry off me! Looking back, I would like to think that what Bill actually meant my the statement he made was: 1) stressed/depressed people who don’t know Christ need to read the Bible and not try to cover up the situation with prescription drugs, 2) stressed/depressed people who aren’t walking with the Lord as they should need to read the Bible, and 3) stressed/depressed people who have really experienced something in their lives should seek help from a physician. Those explanations are a lot easier to swallow than my first impression of, “You shouldn’t need anti-depressants. The Bible is all you need.” I’ve been tempted to ask him myself, but I am too chicken to do it. That’s all I need is for my pastor to know I’m on drugs!

I tried to think of a story in the Bible when someone was sick and needed medicine. I thought about in the Old Testament, that most of the time when a person was healed, it reads, “God healed him” or God “opened her womb.” In the New Testament, most of the time, the sick people came to Jesus or a friend or family member brought the sick person to Him. I would like to think that the friends of long ago are the medicines we find today. They are the cure-all that helps us find the Great Physician.

Home Again

It was almost like it wasn't in God's plans for me to meet with Him this week. My meeting day ended up being Thursday instead of Monday. My first try was to go to the prayer room at our church. I've been there before, but for some reason, I couldn't remember the code this time and none of the church secretaries knew it either. So, next, I decided to go home, but the maid was still there, so I just turned around in the neighbor's drive way. As I was pulling out of the neighborhood, I thought about our local library and that's where God and I finally had our little talk.

As I sat in the chair at the back of the library, all I could do was just sit. I honestly didn't know where to begin. After a few moments, I decided to start with my life verse in Jeremiah 29:11, "For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope." For the first time in a long time, I could finally believe that verse again. I could reach out, grab it, and hang on to that truth and promise. I thanked God for the plans He had for my life, all the past, present, and future plans and I prayed that He would help me learn to love those plans even when my life felt lost and out of control. I prayed for contentedness (is that even a word?) in my current station in life and to rejoice and find my happiness in my family and friends.

And then I decided to back up to verse 10: "..."You will be in Babylon for seventy years. But then I will come and do for you all the good things I have promised, and I will bring you home again." This was when the tears began to flow. Home. Where was home? I had lost my way. I had been in Babylon, in bondage, all these months because of my own personal dissatisfaction with my job. I had allowed this bondage to seep into every part of my being until it began to take a physical, emotional, and spiritual toll on my body, my life, and my relationships. I thought about this for a long time and then I did the only thing I knew I could do, and that was to repent.

A few months ago, when I was in the very middle of all this turmoil, my best friend showed me verses 12 & 13, "In those days when you pray, I will listen. If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me." Back then, I read them, but I couldn't claim them as truth. I didn't want to believe it; I didn't want to pray; and I wasn't interested in looking for God at the time. But when I read those verses on Thursday, it was if God Himself was speaking to me. "Talk to me, Laura, and I will listen. Look for me with your heart - not your feelings - and you will find me."

And then, verse 14, "I will be found by you...I will end your captivity...and I will bring you home again..." Three times in that verse, God says, "I will." For the first time, I realized that none of the events that have taken place over the past two years had anything to do with me; they were filtered through the fingertips of God FOR me. To save me from myself! I found God, that day in the Christian bookstore, when I opened the Bible and saw, "The Lord hears His people when they call to Him for help. He rescues them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to the broken-hearted.” It was the first day that I actually began looking for Him again. My captivity ended Thursday when God reminded me that I will never find true happiness this side of Heaven. My job won't make my happy, my husband and daughter won't make me happy, my friends won't make me happy....my happiness comes from Christ Alone and this is the piece that I began missing - the piece that eventually began fading - two years ago. Now, I certainly still have a way to go. Lots of improvement and changes need to occur, but I knew that I had finally found the missing piece.

Home. Full circle. Definitly not on the mountain top, but certainly no longer in the valley. Bon Jovi has a new song out entitled, "Who Says You Can't Go Back Home" and a few lines in the song are: "I was looking for something you can't replace/I was running away from the only thing I've ever known." When you've been a believer for a while and you've been raised in church and preached to all your life, the Bible, Jesus' love, and God are the only things you've ever known. And I was looking for satisfaction, joy, and fulfillment in something other than the only thing I've ever known. Home is where our life story begins. Home is where God continues His miraculous work in our lives to make us more like Him. You can always go back to God. You can always go home again.

Better than any Beauty Treatment

Hunter Tylo told People magazine that she relied on the power of prayer for strength. "If I'm having a rough day," she said, "I remember this psalm that says, 'Revive me, O Lord.' It really helps. It's better than any beauty treatment."

For Blank

I am going to admit something that I have never told anyone before. Actually, I had forgotten about it until it came to mind a few months ago and I distinctly remembered the moment. It was one morning before work. For some unknown reason, Alise was still asleep (which is very unusual for her). I had this urge to kneel beside my bed and pray. And I had this burning desire to pray, “Lord, humble me.” Oh, my goodness. It brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it. Little did I know at that time that God was preparing my heart for what He was about to do in my life. Soon after that morning, the road of my life began to lead from the mountain top to the valley and I suddenly found myself alone, scared, and rock-bottom. Disappointment, anger, and despair with work set in. The every day frustrations of trying to manage a family and a two year old daughter with what I felt at the time was minimal help and support became complete chaos and I got on the rollercoaster called emotions. I was high; I was low and I felt like I was being pulled by someone in all directions. It took a while for me to see my doctor because I really wanted to believe that I was okay. I was in control. I could beat this little emotional snap and eventually move on with life. But then I begin to see the strain it was putting on me with Alise. There was one day that I was discipling her for something and I spanked her with the wooden spoon. But something inside of me just wanted to keep spanking her again and again. Of course, I did not do this, but the thought scared me to death and I knew then that something just wasn’t right. The hardest part was telling my parents that I was on anti-depressants and going to a counselor. I just knew that my parents would be so disappointed in me. And then, just last week, while my mom and I were on our way to Canton, she told me that she thought I may have inherited some of my depression because my Grandmother may have suffered from it a little. I wanted to scream, “Finally!!” It’s not just me. I really am okay. I’m not going crazy or psycho! (notice how these are the drugs talking now!) And I don’t have to feel guilty about taking medication. For the first time in a very long time, I feel like it's okay to not be in control.

While all of this was going on, I kept wondering what in the world had I done to deserve this? What sin did I have in my life? But as I said before, God was silent. I got no lightening bolts; there were no answers. As honestly as I can say, I don't believe I was "paying" for the consequences of outright sin in my life. I truly believe that God was in (and still is) in the business of making me more like Him. And yet, I wonder, why use my emotional state? Why use something like depression? Pride is a serious thing and I believe it was because it was the only way God could get my attention to the severity of my problem. I had to hit rock bottom. I had to be broken. I had to lay face down in the valley. I had to start over.

I still have a way to go. God and I are finally on speaking terms again, but our relationship is still strained. I find myself turning to His word once again and saying short prayers like "thank you God for blank." Period. I will admit that I haven't whole-heartedly repented; I just discovered His truth this week and I need time for it to sink in. But for those of you that want to rush the repentance process, God and I have an appointment this coming Monday. I have the whole day to lay myself upon the alter of sacrifice. To repent. To say, "thank you God, for blank."

Children of Hope

I was reminded this morning of my own short-sightedness and the blessing of a Father's everlasting love. Our church sponsored the "Children of Hope" this morning during our regular worship time. The group is made up of about fifteen children from ages of about 4 to 10, that come from foreign countries such as Uganda, Africa, and Asia. They sing wonderful praise and worship music, some of it in their own language (the words were on the big screen, so we knew what they were saying). They are all orphans that have lost their parents to AIDS, war, or some other tragic event. As I strained to understand what they were saying, because some of the children had a strong dialect, I finally understood what "Jesus loves the little children of the world" meant. What it must be like to not be able to see gender, race, or ethicnity. But that is exactly how God sees us. We are all equal and precious in His sight! Since I have had Alise, my heart has softened to children who have lost their parents, been orphaned, or simply been abused our abandoned. Oh, how God's heart must grieve at the world's harsh affects on His precious children. Sometimes it's easy to ask how could a loving God allow such horrible things to happen to His children? How could He allow a small Africian boy witness the brutal murder of his own father? But that's just it. Because of His wonderful and never ending love, God saved us from ourselves. Not from the harshness of the world, but from the destructive behavior that drives our actions and motives. "Let the little children come unto me," Jesus said. Now picture a child of every gender, race, and ethnic group sitting at the feet of the Savior. That is what's precious in His sight.

Time

Now I wish I had done a better job with my “journaling medicine.” Maybe a spoonful of sugar would have helped. It’s been hanging there like a dark cloud above my head…something else to do. Should I or shouldn’t I? Do I really need to? Today I decided that I could.


I don’t know how else to describe it. It’s like sitting in your favorite restaurant, not really caring that you’re there, staring at the menu and just not being able to make a simple decision about what to order. It’s like staring at your computer at work and just bursting in to tears for no apparent reason at all. It’s like just wanting to sleep all the time and just wishing the world would go away. But yet, somehow, someway, you find that inner strength that you just knew you didn’t have anymore, to get up, pull yourself together for the sake of your child and husband and head off to the shower to let the water mix with the tears of failure, defeat, and utter despair. It’s hiding the tears with makeup and a new hair style to cover the brokenness inside. After all, the show must go on. It’s called: rock bottom and nobody knows you’ve hit it but you.


The first time I knew that something was wrong was when a friend at work told me, “Laura, something is wrong with you. You’re just not yourself. Maybe you should go to a doctor.” She upset me so much, that I ran out of her office and said, “I don’t want to hear it!” For the next several months, my emotions were like a roller coaster, literally. I was up – way up – and then something would happen at work, shatter my world, and I would come down – way down. The second time that I knew something was very wrong was when I missed a day of work simply because I couldn’t get out of the bed. I didn’t even call in. I just didn’t show up (not like me at all!). That was the day I wanted to run away and never come back. I couldn’t concentrate at work and most days I spent it crying into my keyboard. Eventually, I went back to my friend’s office and said, “I think something is wrong with me. I’m just not myself.” She smiled at me and asked, “Do you want me to make the call?”


That day seems like ages ago. There have been plenty of doctor’s appointments, medication and counseling. All of this has taken place over a period of about six months and, for the first time in a long time, I can say that today I finally feel like myself again. But that is just for today. Only one person knows what tomorrow will be like.


I wish I could say that I have been a strong Christian through this season in my life. We hear it preached to us all the time about how we’re suppose to draw from our faith and trust God during trials like these. Sometimes, that’s easier said than done. I simply didn’t have the desire or the will to do that. I just wanted to be left alone. I didn’t want to think about Bible verses and I certainly didn’t feel like God was carrying me. If I felt anything, it was desertion. All I still want to know is, “why?” I may be crazy, but not crazy enough to think that the answer to that question will come on this side of Heaven.


The neatest thing that I have learned about God so far through all this is that He is a very patient God. One of best blessings He gave me was time. Time to cry, scream, kick, yell and cry some more. Time to tell Him, “I’m mad at you! Why did you do this to me? How could you?” I never once heard from Him during that period of nearly two months. I got no replies; no condemnation; no reassurances or answers to my outbursts. Nothing, but silence. I became like a worn-out two year old throwing a tantrum. Eventually, I chose the silent treatment, too. And when everything was quiet, it was then that I heard the knock on the door of my heart and the gentle whisper that said, “Laura, it’s time. It’s time to move on from this place.”

Grownups Only Cry when They're Alone

"Often our feelings lie beneath the surface,
Hidden by the smiles we wear upon our faces;
emotions are concealed,
we bear our sorrows on our own,
Grownups only cry when they're alone."

---Noel Richards, quoted by Sheila Walsh

Mountains & Valleys

My Mom sent me this picture along with some others in an email titled, "When God Colors." I am persuaded that God does allow His children to go through peaks and valleys. Why else would He create something so beautiful?

Broken-Hearted

You’ll never believe what I did today! I bought myself a new Bible. I know I’ve got a thousand Bibles, but my favorite one, my study Bible, is tearing up and the new turquoise and brown Bible caught my eye when I was in Lifeway at lunch. I knew I had to get it when I opened the Bible up and the page it fell open to had this verse highlighted in the margin: “The Lord hears His people when they call to Him for help. He rescues them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to the broken-hearted.” What a gift! I began crying right there in the store. I finally had a word for what I was feeling: broken-hearted.

Actually, it's even a miracle that I went to Lifeway today. I had emailed my mother about my doctor's appointment yesterday and she suggested I get a book from our church library on this particuliar subject. Instead of the church library, I thought about the Christian bookstore and went there in search of a particuliar book. It just so happened that I found myself on the Bible aisle and then found this particuliar Bible with that particuliar verse. I believe it was God reaching out to me.

And then, when I was sitting in the Sonic drive-thru line, I heard these lyrics from the Desperation Band on the radio: "I need you Jesus/Come to my rescue/Where else can I go?" How else can you describe "broken-hearted"?

A Sliver of Hope

Sometimes the best thing about church, is that even when you may not want to be found, God finds you. I couldn't concentrate on Bill's sermon today. For the first time in a long while, I had a desire to open my Bible. I wanted to try to find a verse that described how I've been feeling these past few months. My mind turned to David. After all, he was "a man after God's own heart." Did he ever suffer like I am? I know he was stressed from constantly being on the run from Saul, but were there days that he just wanted to run into a cave and let the world go by? I began reading in Psalms, but it seemed like every chapter I came to spoke of "Praising God" and my heart just couldn't do that. And then I found Psalms 22:1-2: "My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?/Why are you so far from helping me/and from the words of my groaning?/O My God, I cry in the daytime, but You do not hear,/and in the night season, and am not silent." It almost seems sacreligious to quote that verse after the One who died on the Cross and uttered those same words. But now, as I write these words, it hits me that I am not alone. Even Christ felt abandoned by His Father. How much worse was His affliction than mine? Mine seems so minute against the backdrop of the Cross. And yet, it's still there. All the confusion, disappointment, dispair, saddness and anger are still there. Even David asked, "why?" And now, I think about the plan that God had for his life...to make him King of Israel.

Maybe today was a gift. For the first time in a long time, I feel that I have just a sliver of hope.

Sitting In the Valley

My counselor says that I sound like a person who has suffered a divorce. She says that I have suffered a loss and that no matter how much I want things to be the way they use to be, they never will be again. She said that I am going through the same emotions as if there had been a close death in my life. The only good news is that when I re-took "the test," my numbers were lower than three weeks ago. I owe it all to medication, which is the only "gift" I've received so far.

The great thing about Christian counselors is that they don't use a lot of "philosophical" stuff on you and always try to lead you back to "the truth," which is God's word, His plans, and His ways. The fact is, I'm mad at God right now and although I feel like I'm treading on thin ice, I blantantly admit it. All I want to know right now is "why?" If I just knew the reason, I feel I could cope. I could get through this, if only I knew "why?" And, yet, maybe God has been good to me after all. He has given me time. Time to cry, time to rant and rave and act completely crazy (or so it seems), time to sink to the very bottom, time to be humbled. And right now, I hear the gentle knock at my heart's door, but I refuse to open it. I am being defiant and I know this. He's saying, "Laura, it's time. It's time to move forward. It's time to pick up and move on." But I choose to sit, still, in the valley. I still cry sometimes, like now, but my head is no longer face down. I'm sitting. I'm holding my head up, but I don't see anything but anger. Will I ever be able to stand again? Will I ever see the mountains again?

In the Valley

This week, someone sent me an email that quoted Rick Warren, author of "A Purpose Driven Life," as saying that he no longer believes that God allows good things and bad things to happen to people as "mountain tops and valleys," but rather simultaneously, occurring at the same time, "like a railroad track." I'm not sure I believe this. Everyone has good days and bad days....highs and lows...times of joy and happiness...and times of disappointment and despair. I can only remember two other times in my life of feeling that complete sense of loss...loss of control and sorrow and pain. The first time was when I turned 30. God gave me, 2 Corinthians 4:16, "For which cause we faint not; but though our outward man perish, yet the inward man is renewed day by day." The second time was after my first pregnancy which was diagnosed as a tubal pregnancy. God gave me the song, "Even in the Valley, God is good/Even in the valley, He is faithful and true/He carries His children through like He said He would/Even in the valley God is good." Here I am again...only this time, there is a diagnosis. And it didn't come from God. It came from a doctor and eventually a counselor. It's not life-threatening, but it is serious, and something that I do not wish to discuss openly. My counselor suggested that I begin writing again because it is a form of therapy. Unfortunatly, it looks as though God has chosen to take away this time instead of give. There is no soothing salve to cover the pain and despair this time. For some reason, over the last few weeks, the only thing that I can think about is the movie "Sisters of the Ya-Ya whatever" and the only thing that gives me comfort is knowing that the character who played Sandra Bulluck's mom did come home and she was wild and crazy as ever and she ended up being fine. I'll be fine one day, too, but right now, I am laying face down, crying in the valley.

"How Could I Ask for More" by Cindy Morgan

This song has gotten me through some tough times...You can go to Cindy's
Myspace site to hear the actual song.

There's nothing like the warmth of a summer afternoon
Waking to the sunlight, and being cradled by the moon
Catching fireflies at night
Building castles in the sand
Kissing Mama's face goodnight
Holding Daddy's hand
Thank you Lord, how could I ask for more

Running barefoot through the grass
A little hide and go seek
Being so in love, that you can hardly eat
Dancing in the dark, when there's no one else around
Being bundled 'neath the covers, watching snow
Fall to the ground
Thank you Lord, how could I ask for more

So many things I thought would bring me happiness
Some dreams that are realities today
Such an irony the things that mean the most to me
Are the memories that I've made along the way

So if there's anything I've learned
From this journey I am on
Simple truths will keep you going
Simple love will keep you strong
Cause there are questions without answers
Flames that never die
Heartaches we go through are often blessings in disguise
So thank you Lord, oh thank you Lord
How could I ask for more

"Above All" Video by Michael W. Smith

Bridge Over Troubled Water

The first thing I thought about when I heard the news about the collapsing of the bridge in Minneapolis, was of Jesus describing to his disciples what things would be like in the last days. He warned that there would be "wars and rumors of wars" as well as calamaties and disasters. Yesterday was a disaster. Katrina was a disaster. The tsunami was a disaster. 9/11 was a disaster. That's four different episodes within six years. That's nearly one disaster a year. Three of those happened in the United States. God is still trying to get somebody's attention. It's worrisome to me to know that I am living in the last days. It saddens me to see a world that has gone so totally against God. All the Biblical prophesies for Christ's return have been fulfilled. We have to be ready. We have to be ready to meet Him face to face.

I am fickle

"When I remember that God is Creator and I am created, God is perfect and I am flawed, God is pure love and I am fickle, God is good and loves me anyway, I rest and find strength in committing my life to His glory." ---Angela Thomas

Stained Glass Windows

People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within. --Elizabeth Kubler-Ross

Undo What I've Become

I haven't been listening to our local Christian station, 88.7 The Cross lately, but today I was in Wayne's car running some errands and it happened to be on this station when this song came on. I love the chorus:

Rush Of Fools - Undo Lyrics

I've been here before, now here I am again
Standing at the door, praying You'll let me back in
To label me a prodigal would be
Only scratching the surface of who I've been known to be

[Chorus]
Turn me around pick me up
Undo what I've become
Bring me back to the place
Of forgiveness and grace
I need You, need Your help
I can't do this myself
You�re the only one who can undo
What I've become

I focused on the score, but I could never win
Trying to ignore, a life of hiding my sin
To label me a hypocrite would be
Only scratching the surface of who I've been known to be

[Chorus]
Turn me around pick me up
Undo what I've become
Bring me back to the place
Of forgiveness and grace
I need You, need Your help
I can't do this myself
You�re the only one who can undo
What I've become

Make every step lead me back to
The sovereign way that You

[Chorus]
Turn me around pick me up
Undo what I've become
Bring me back to the place
Of forgiveness and grace
I need You, need Your help
I can't do this myself
You�re the only one who can undo
What I've become

Hezekiah

I have been reading in 2 Kings 20 about King Hezekiah who fell ill to the point of death. The prophet Isaiah went to him and told him, “…Put your house in order, because you are going to die; you will not recover” (v.1). Immediately, Hezekiah began to weep and asked the Lord to remember his faithfulness. Before Isaiah had left the court, God told him to go back to Hezekiah and tell him, “…I have heard your prayer and seen your tears; I will heal you” (v.5). God promised to add 15 years to Hezekiah’s life. Hearing of his illness, the King of Babylon sent gifts to Hezekiah, who was more than hospitable to the Babylonian messengers. Verse 13 says that “…There was nothing in his palace or in all his kingdom that Hezekiah did not show them.” As a result of his flashiness, God’s response was that everything and everyone would be carried off to Babylon. Hezekiah said, “The word of the Lord you have spoken is good. Will there not be peace and security in my lifetime?” (v.19).

These were my thoughts when I read this passage: First of all, was King Hezekiah sincere in his request that God spare his life? The Bible says that he “wept bitterly”, but I can’t help but wonder how I would react upon learning of a terminal illness and being told point blank that I was about to die. When I read this, I saw so much of myself because I knew that my response in this situation would be the same: “Lord, haven’t I served you? Haven’t I been faithful? Haven’t I been a good wife and mother? Why me, Lord?” Apparently, the condition of Hezekiah’s heart pleased God, because he extended his life by 15 years. I wonder if the promise of an absolute extension of life was more of a curse than a blessing for him? It seems to me that Hezekiah became proud and boastful in his remission. I’m not quite sure at this moment in Jewish history if the Babylonians were a very threat and enemy to Israel, but I would think that you would not want to lay all your cards on the table, so to speak, for an enemy or a friend. Some cards are worth holding to your chest and apparently God was not happy with Hezekiah’s showiness to the Babylonian messengers. Gifts or no gifts. For me, it is so hard to remember that everything I have is a blessing from the Lord. When I was a little girl, my daddy would remind me when I prayed to remember to thank the Lord for a roof over my head, clothes on my back and food on my table. As I’ve gotten older, those prayers have changed-mostly based on my circumstances-but I have forgotten the basics. It starts with remembering that absolutely nothing I have is “mine.” I am going to begin working on this mind-set.

Lastly, Hezekiah’s response for God’s judgment really concerned me. It was as if he was saying, “I’m okay with that (judgement), Lord. As long as it happens after I’m gone.” Did he not care enough for his family and descendants to be concerned about their future? Did he not care enough for his kingdom to prepare for the battle? It seems that he became complacent and carefree in his heart. I can’t help but think of how complacent I have become in my own heart for people who are lost without God as their Savior. I know that judgment is coming; I know that there is a battle to prepare for. And, yet, I haven’t done my part. For the most part, there is peace in my life; judgment will come after I am gone.

Oh, Father…for the grace to cover a complacent heart. Forgive me of my haughtiness and pride. Forgive me for not preparing others for your coming judgment. Thank you for the roof over my head, clothes on my back, and food on my table. Remind me, Father, that everything I have is a blessing from you. May You alone rule in my heart forever. Amen.

America the Beautiful

In 1893, Katharine Lee Bates made a lecture trip to Colorado. It was there On Pike's Peak that she wrote the words to "America the Beautiful." She said, "It was then and there, as I was looking out over the sea-like expanse of fertile country spreading away so far under those ample skies, that the opening lines of the hymn floated into my mind." Bates' poem first appeared in a weekly newspaper called the "The Congregationalist." There were several revisions before the final version was published in 1913. According to a source from the Library of Congress on Patriotic Melodies, "'America the Beautiful' has been called 'an expression of patriotism at its finest.' It conveys an attitude of appreciation and gratitude for the nation's extraordinary physical beauty and abundance, without triumphalism."

O beautiful for spacious skies,
For amber waves of grain,
For purple mountain majesties
Above the fruited plain!
America! America!
God shed his grace on thee
And crown thy good with brotherhood
From sea to shining sea!

Paris

I have to admit, I watched the Larry King talk show tonight. I never watch Larry King, but a friend of mine told me that Paris Hilton was going to be his guest. I don't pay that much attention to Paris. The only thing I know about her is that she is the Hilton heiress, she has a reality TV show with Nicole Richey, and she likes to party. Oh, and I heard that she had to serve jail time for driving under the influence. Apparently, she was recently released and now she wanted her first interview to be with Larry King (I also heard that Barbara Walters turned her down).

The point I would like to make is two-fold. First, there are fires burning in California and 18 inches of flooding in Texas, but the hot topic tonight on television was Paris Hilton's release from jail. There was even a countdown clock to the "interview event" posted on the show prior to Larry King! The media is relentless about poking the lives of celebrities in our face. It seems ever since the O.J. Simpson incident, the media and papparzi think that all we want to hear about is the lives of the rich and famous. Did I watch the interview? Yes. Should I have turned off my television? Double yes. I was wrong.

My second point is probably the whole reason I watched to begin with. Prior to the show, I saw a clip of Paris mention that, "God allows things to happen for a reason....this has changed my life." Of course, my ears perked up. Honestly, I was shocked that the word 'God' came out of her mouth. I would like to think that Paris had a come-to-Jesus moment while she was in jail. That in the midst of her despair and lowliness, she trusted God to pull her out of the pit. I don't know for sure that that actually happened, but I do believe that God is in the business of saving people when they no longer can save themselves. The biggest question the media is asking now is, "How serious is she? Is she a changed woman? What will Paris do now?" I was reminded of a verse in the Bible that says that, "Man looks at the outward appearance but God looks at the heart." How thankful I am that God judges us based on our hearts and not on our outward looks or how much money we have. Our hearts reveal everything about us. God knows that. That's why he chooses to reside in that very place when we accept his free gift of salvation. My prayer for Paris is that she truly has had a change of heart. What could be more of an amazing reminder of God's love than for Him to show the world that he can even work in the lives of the rich and famous?

Sponsorship

We have decided to sponsor Sasha Kuryndin at the Regional Orphanage in Russia. I tried to upload his picture from the orphanage web site, but I wasn't able to. We sent money tonight for Sasha to have an "outing" and Boris, the administrator, has emailed that Sasha is "dreaming about new clothes and sneakers." I plan to do some shopping this weekend and hopefully send a package in the next few weeks. I also emailed Sasha tonight (Boris will have to translate for him) and introduced our family to him. I can't tell you how excited I am about helping this little boy. God has just put him on my heart and my prayer is that God's will for this little boy will somehow be lived out with our help. Please lift this little one up in your prayers. I shared with you on my last post about the circumstances that took him to the orphanage. "But we know that all things work together for good to those who
love the Lord."

Sasha

Lisa Whelchel talks in her book, "Taking Care of the Me in Mommie," about “prayer starters” and how we can simply use the way we get dressed every day as conversation pieces with God. Off and on for the past several months, I’ve tried to put this concept in to practice while I put on my mascara. When I do remember, I pray, “Lord, give me eyes to see others through you.”

Ever since I found out about Kathy & John Bradford’s adoption of their Russian daughter, I have gotten interested in the Antares Orphanage in Kazakhstan. I went to the website and looked at the smiling faces of children that really have no reason to smile. I can’t imagine what life must be like in an orphanage, especially one overseas. A picture of a little boy named, Sasha, caught my attention so I decided to email the orphanage’s director to find out more about him. Here is what Boris, the director, had to say:

"Sasha was moved to the orphanage after her had drowned his sister in a well about 4 years ago. According with our stupid laws his mother has been imprisoned for 8 years but wasn't deprived of her parental rights. So she is still Sasha's "mother". Sasha lived at Poludinskiy Orphanage until September 2006. Then he was moved to the Regional Orphanage, Petropavlovsk. He is an average student but he is a very kind and affectionate boy. All his caretakers at Poludinskiy Orphanage and at the Regional Orphanage love him very much."

My heart just broke for this little boy. We try so hard to shelter our children from the cruelty of this world. Some children are never sheltered. Unfortunately, for them, they must see the world as it truly is. After a little more surfing on the website (www.antares-orphans.com), I found where it is possible to sponsor a child and I have since emailed Boris back to find out the proper protocol in which to do this. For right now, I ask that you simply pray for Sasha and what God would have us do to help this little boy. When I look at this little boy and think of the life he has lead thus far, I realize how spoiled Alise is. Not just with material things – which she is – but she is also spoiled by a love from her mother and father. She has the luxury of knowing what that feels like and knowing that when she wakes up every morning, that her mother and father will be there. That kind of love is no comparison to the love God has for His children. I know that God loves Sasha just like he loves Alise and all the other children in the world, whether young or old, black or white. We are all precious in His site. Thank you, God, for loving me with a love that never ends. Thank you for giving me eyes to see others through you.

I Can Only Imagine - MercyMe

Today

"The past, the present and the future are really one: they are today."
---Harriet Beecher Stowe

Quiet Time

I have been struggling so hard with my quiet time. It comes and goes…I’ll do good for a few days and then life gets hectic or I get busy and slack off again. I know that God can’t be happy with me about this. It seems that my heart is in the right place, but I simply don’t follow through. Not having a quiet time has become a burden to me because I know from experience how life can be when spending time with God. Before I had Alise, I couldn’t go a day without spending time with the Lord. And I am by no means blaming my little girl for my failures. If anything, my desire for the Lord should be stronger now that I need direction and wisdom for her up-bringing. The truth is, it is the choices that I make that prevent me from having a daily quiet time. Alise goes to bed at a fairly descent hour and Wayne has been busy working on fixing up the rent out we bought next door. There is time, after the kitchen is cleaned up, lunch has been made for the next day, clothes have been folded, etc. to have that time that my spiritual body craves, but I make poor choices. I surf the internet, or blog, or get a bath and read a book. But most of the time, I’m simply too tired and not interested.

So, starting this week, I have come up with a new way to jump start my quiet times again using my old plan: 5 minutes praising God, 5 minutes reading God’s work, and 5 minutes praying to God. That’s how my quiet time took off nearly 8 years ago. And it worked! The 15 minutes became 20 and then 30 and before I knew it, I couldn’t go a day without seeking and spending time with God. I pray that God will bless our times together and that he will “renew a steadfast spirit within me” (Psalms).

Why don't Christians share Christ?

This insert was in our bulletin today at church:

33.5% afraid of being rejected, embarrassed
21.7% afraid of not having answers
19.2% rarely think about the need
17.3% don't know what to say
8.3% haven't found a way to share that fits personal style

Closed Doors

"When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us."
--Helen Keller

When I read this quote by Helen Keller, I was gently reminded of how blinded I have become to the circumstances in my life. I truly believe that the door to my idea of "having a career" has been closed. It closed the day our competitor bought the facility where I work. But I notice that "work" is a present-tense verb. It doesn't end in "ed." I still work. I still have a job to get up to each and every morning. The choice I made to stay here in Monroe and be close to my family was not a closed door at all. It was a window of new opportunity and fulfillment. For the first three months of this year, I did nothing but dwell on the negative and my unhappiness. I wasn't looking at the opened window. I am so blessed that God has worked my situation and frustrations out for good. He loves me enough to allow me to be close to the ones I love and to have time for my husband and daughter. My career would have taken away from that. Thank you, God, for loving me enough to have a plan for my life and giving me the wisdom to see it.

So Far to Go

Bill's Mother's Day sermon left me feeling like I have so far to go with Alise and that the job I've currently done simply hasn't been up to par. Why else would my two year old daughter scream and cry at the top of her lungs in the middle of a crowded store? And on Mother's Day of all days? I already feel like I have failed and yet I'm only just beginning. Am I setting a good example? Why do I let her pick Elmo books to read at night instead of reading her the new Bible story book I bought her? Why do I lavish her with gifts without letting her see the need in others? Why don't I have more patience? Why do I feel like I am constantly saying, "No" and "Don't do that!"? Motherhood just is not fun right now. I am discouraged and I feel like a failure in most respects. More than anything, I wanted someone to tell me that I am a good mother. I just needed to hear it. The words never came. Instead, my two year old daughter buried her tear stained face in my neck and said, "Mommie, I sorry. I so sorry." I told her with tears in my own eyes, "I am, too, Baby. I am, too."

Queen Elizabeth II

"To many of us, our beliefs are of fundamental importance. For me, the teachings of Christ, and my own personal accountability before God provide a framework in which I try to lead my life. I, like so many of you, have drawn great comfort in difficult times from Christ's words and example."
--Queen Elizabeth II

Use Me

Notes from Bill's sermon: 40 Days of Community: Evangelism
April 29, 2007

Personal Evangelism
1. Begin with an attitude of unselfishness
2. Bathe it in prayer - "Prayer Makes You Aware"
3. Build relationships through shared interests
4. Learn to love people - "How can I pray for you?"
5. Share your story - You are the message!
6. Be a genuine friend
7. Live expecting God to act
8. Imitate Christ be reflecting His character - Philippians 2:15
Bill said, "Our most dangerous prayer is when we pray, 'Lord, use me'".

As I was listening to Bill's sermon this morning, a person I work with popped into my head. Let's just call her Diane. I've heard from other co-workers that Diane is having an affair with a married man. She has confided this fact to one of my employees, but she has never said anything to me specifically. The only thing that Diane has mentioned to me is that she's interested in her next door neighbor (not the guy she's having the affair with). Once, I asked my employee, "I wonder why Diane doesn't tell me these things?" She responded, "Oh, Laura. Diane couldn't tell you about all that. She knows that you're not like that." When my employee first told me that, I was a little hurt. Hurt because I wasn't enough of a friend for Diane to confide in. But what my employee meant by her comment, was that Diane knew that I wouldn't approve of her behavior and that I was "different." In other words, I was a "goody two-shoes" (another phrase that has haunted me my whole entire life, but we'll get into that at another date). I wondered to myself what I would have said to Diane if she had told me what was going on with her. I know I would have told her that she was wrong and that I didn't approve of the lifestyle she was living.

But today, Bill said that God places people in our lives for a reason, and I thought about Diane. We already have a shared interest. We're both bean counters. I've tried my best to be a genuine friend and to reflect Christ's character. But to be honest, I haven't even thought about praying for Diane. She told me once that she grew up Baptist and I mentioned our church celebrating Easter at the Colesium, but that's just about all the "church" talk we've had. And probably the reason I haven't thought about praying for Diane is because I didn't think it would do any good. This morning, I was reminded that my faith has been shallow. I haven't allowed God to act in this situation. I had already written it off as hopeless.

So, I've had a change of heart. I pray that God will prove me wrong. I pray that where I may see a hopeless situation with Diane, that He will see an opportunity to act in a way that I could never imagine. I also pray that God will "use me." Obviously, Diane already feels that I'm "different." Now, I pray that God will give me the opportunity to talk to her--but not about what she's doing wrong, but about what God has done in my life. Pray with me for Diane.

Sam

Those words, "I think I got saved today" would later haunt me in my high school/college/young adult years. It was during those years that I did some things that I am not particuliarly proud of today and so they're not really worth mentioning. But I did begin hanging out with friends who weren't Christians and I got involved in an unhealthy relationship with a guy who wasn't a Christian, either. I was living the life of a backsliden Christian. I had one foot in church (because my parents made me go) and the other who knows where! My life was in a state of flux and for the first time in my life, I began doubting my salvation. All I could think about were all the unhealthy things I had done and how there was no way possible that God could ever forgive me. I became numb to the Holy Spirit. I simply no longer cared. I was doing what I wanted to do.

Then, out of the blue, a guy from my church called me up and asked me if I would be interested in going on a date. Let's just call this guy Sam. Sam was a great guy and he attended the local Christian school where he was a star football player. His parents and older brother attended our church and his family was well respected. I was shocked that Sam was calling me. After all, he had dated off and on with alot of the girls my age in our church and I was a little wary of him. But for the first time in a while, I felt I needed a change. My relationship with the other guy wasn't going that well and we eventually broke up. Sam and I dated for a summer and our relationship changed my life forever. God used our dating relationship to draw me back to Himself. You see, even though I knew that I was dating the "wrong guy," I was secretly praying that God would send a Christian guy my way. And so, for that summer, Sam was that guy. But we eventually broke up, too. I don't remember the reason exactly, but I remember being so hurt because I had trusted Sam with alot of details about my life. Not that he would ever think about sharing that with someone ( to my knowledge, he didn't), but it was such a bittersweet break up for me. I thought Sam was the guy, but God thought differently.

If there is one thing that God continues to teach me over and over again, it's that, "... My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the Lord" (Isaiah 55:8). And sometimes my expectations are so high, that I am left hurt or disappointed, which is what happened with Sam. But I am convinced that God used a guy like Sam to bring me back into a relationship with Him. Now, of course, there were other moments of disobedience, but I can honestly say that I never strayed from the Lord as far as I had been prior to Sam entering my life. Everyone has heard the old phrase, "where God closes a door, He opens a window." And that's exactly what happened. The window He opened was the pathway that lead to my Christian husband.

The Beginning of the Journey

A friend asked me once why I like to write. I don't consider writing a passion for me; however, I do--from time to time--like to express my thoughts and feelings by writing them down. You see, writing began for me at Christmas time the year I was in the third grade. A single friend that my mom worked with gave me a Christmas present. It was a pink diary from Hallmark. I can still see Betsy Clark on the front of it (Does that bring back memories, or what?). Thus began my writing and journaling. Now, for a third grader, you know that there wasn't very much to those writings. "Went to school. Saw Andrea. Went bicycle riding with Melinda." Lots of misspelled words. But as I grew older, that same practice became a part of my every day life. I have hot pink spiral notebooks that recount just about every single day of my life in high school...all written out in purple or pink ink...in cursive or print...recounting who said what and what had happened on that particuliar day. I've hidden those diaries. I haven't looked at them in years. More from embararssement at my shenanigans in those days and simply for the desire to keep the past buried. Sometimes, the past just isn't worth re-reading.

I say all of this because I want you to understand that this blog--The Journey--is more about me than my family. It's simply another diary of my present life. But I want it to be more than just a review of the day's events. I'm hoping that it will be more about the spiritual journey that I'm on. More uplifting and a blessing to others as they read and discover the God that I know and love and His merciful work in my life. I haven't mentioned The Journey blog in the Horton Family blog simply because this one is personal. If others happen to stumble across it, then that's fine. If you enjoy it, please pass it on to others.

As for the pink Betsy Clark diary, I still have that one, too. It's at my parent's house buried in a box somewhere in the attic. But there is a line in that diary, written in print and in blue ink. It's on about the third page and it reads: "I think I got saved today." That pink diary represents the beginning of The Journey.

The Will Of God

"Out of the will of God there is no such thing as success; in the will of God there cannot be any failure." --Author Unknown