Sitting In the Valley

My counselor says that I sound like a person who has suffered a divorce. She says that I have suffered a loss and that no matter how much I want things to be the way they use to be, they never will be again. She said that I am going through the same emotions as if there had been a close death in my life. The only good news is that when I re-took "the test," my numbers were lower than three weeks ago. I owe it all to medication, which is the only "gift" I've received so far.

The great thing about Christian counselors is that they don't use a lot of "philosophical" stuff on you and always try to lead you back to "the truth," which is God's word, His plans, and His ways. The fact is, I'm mad at God right now and although I feel like I'm treading on thin ice, I blantantly admit it. All I want to know right now is "why?" If I just knew the reason, I feel I could cope. I could get through this, if only I knew "why?" And, yet, maybe God has been good to me after all. He has given me time. Time to cry, time to rant and rave and act completely crazy (or so it seems), time to sink to the very bottom, time to be humbled. And right now, I hear the gentle knock at my heart's door, but I refuse to open it. I am being defiant and I know this. He's saying, "Laura, it's time. It's time to move forward. It's time to pick up and move on." But I choose to sit, still, in the valley. I still cry sometimes, like now, but my head is no longer face down. I'm sitting. I'm holding my head up, but I don't see anything but anger. Will I ever be able to stand again? Will I ever see the mountains again?