For Blank

I am going to admit something that I have never told anyone before. Actually, I had forgotten about it until it came to mind a few months ago and I distinctly remembered the moment. It was one morning before work. For some unknown reason, Alise was still asleep (which is very unusual for her). I had this urge to kneel beside my bed and pray. And I had this burning desire to pray, “Lord, humble me.” Oh, my goodness. It brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it. Little did I know at that time that God was preparing my heart for what He was about to do in my life. Soon after that morning, the road of my life began to lead from the mountain top to the valley and I suddenly found myself alone, scared, and rock-bottom. Disappointment, anger, and despair with work set in. The every day frustrations of trying to manage a family and a two year old daughter with what I felt at the time was minimal help and support became complete chaos and I got on the rollercoaster called emotions. I was high; I was low and I felt like I was being pulled by someone in all directions. It took a while for me to see my doctor because I really wanted to believe that I was okay. I was in control. I could beat this little emotional snap and eventually move on with life. But then I begin to see the strain it was putting on me with Alise. There was one day that I was discipling her for something and I spanked her with the wooden spoon. But something inside of me just wanted to keep spanking her again and again. Of course, I did not do this, but the thought scared me to death and I knew then that something just wasn’t right. The hardest part was telling my parents that I was on anti-depressants and going to a counselor. I just knew that my parents would be so disappointed in me. And then, just last week, while my mom and I were on our way to Canton, she told me that she thought I may have inherited some of my depression because my Grandmother may have suffered from it a little. I wanted to scream, “Finally!!” It’s not just me. I really am okay. I’m not going crazy or psycho! (notice how these are the drugs talking now!) And I don’t have to feel guilty about taking medication. For the first time in a very long time, I feel like it's okay to not be in control.

While all of this was going on, I kept wondering what in the world had I done to deserve this? What sin did I have in my life? But as I said before, God was silent. I got no lightening bolts; there were no answers. As honestly as I can say, I don't believe I was "paying" for the consequences of outright sin in my life. I truly believe that God was in (and still is) in the business of making me more like Him. And yet, I wonder, why use my emotional state? Why use something like depression? Pride is a serious thing and I believe it was because it was the only way God could get my attention to the severity of my problem. I had to hit rock bottom. I had to be broken. I had to lay face down in the valley. I had to start over.

I still have a way to go. God and I are finally on speaking terms again, but our relationship is still strained. I find myself turning to His word once again and saying short prayers like "thank you God for blank." Period. I will admit that I haven't whole-heartedly repented; I just discovered His truth this week and I need time for it to sink in. But for those of you that want to rush the repentance process, God and I have an appointment this coming Monday. I have the whole day to lay myself upon the alter of sacrifice. To repent. To say, "thank you God, for blank."