A Set Back

My day ended last night with me reading my Bible. I was praying about our upcoming Bible Study and thinking about what I could say to introduce our guest speaker to our group. I finally turned the lamp off around 11:30, but I was still wide awake at 1:00. I think I dozed for maybe three hours and I had cold sweats. Alise woke up at 4:00 needing to go potty so I woke up again. The alarm finally went off, I got a shower, began putting my makeup on and that's when it hit me. I began crying hysterically; I couldn't even put my eyeliner or mascara on because of the tears. I felt like I had back sliden to the point where I was four months ago and I couldn't understand why it seemed that I falling apart again.

I managed to pull myself together long enough to get Alise dressed and to school. The minute I got back in the car, I began crying again. I made it to work, opened up my email and just lost it. I went to my boss's office and told her that I needed to leave, that I just wasn't going to be able to make it through the day. She hugged me and told me to do whatever I needed to do.

I came home and went straight to bed. My head was killing me and all I wanted to do was bury myself deeper and deeper under the covers. I ended up calling my counselor and was able to meet with her this afternoon. After we talked, I was able to trace back my emotions to a dream I had last night. I really didn't think much about the dream, but apparently it sparked my emotions and the depression all over again. My counselor told me that what I experienced today was similiar to what a person who has lossed a love one goes through. Maybe a place or person will bring back all the emotions of the loss. Mine just happened to be a dream (Sorry, but I feel like Joseph here!). She told me that I wasn't crazy (I felt like I was going crazy again), but that I was having a set back and anyone who is trying to go through a loss experiences these "episodes" from time to time. My counselor also told me that Satan knows my weaknesses and knows that I have a big Bible Study planned this week and that he would do anything to discourage my work for God. I told her that I was sick and tired of Satan and that I wished he would just go pick on somebody else for while. She laughed. I smiled for the first time today.

I am better now. My head still aches, but I am holding my head up again. I am thankful that I have a boss who understands and told me to do whatever I needed to do. The difference with this meltdown compared to the all the previous ones is that I felt myself holding on to God. I didn't understand what was happening, but this time the lines of communication were open and I did a whole lot of praying and it's amazing the verses from the Bible that came to mind.

I've been reading in Philippians how we are not to worry about anything, but to pray in all things - with thanksgiving. So tonight, I thanked God for my circumstances and I put my trust in Him even when I don't understand the big picture.