Today was not a good day. I cried on the way to and during church. My heart is so heavy regarding the death of a friend, Kenny Maxey. Kenny and I went to school together from the first grade through high school. We graduated together in 1991, but we haven't seen one another in years. I didn't even know that Kenny still lived here in Monroe. I was going to go to the funeral home tonight, but I wasn't in the mood to see alot of people. I just couldn't pull myself together to see old friends or to see Kenny lying in a casket. I do plan to go to the funeral tomorrow at 2:00. I thought maybe I could go and mourn by myself. Kenny was a great friend. We weren't always close, but having gone through school together all our lives, there was a connection and I am dishearted that this is the first close classmate of mine to die. He was so smart and could have done so many wonderful things! I know I'll see him again one day.
This is the first day since the end of November that I've felt so low.
Sunday, January 27, 2008
Friday, January 25, 2008
Jay Leno Quote
"With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud
slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one
end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks,
are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of
Allegiance?" ----Jay Leno, comedian
slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one
end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks,
are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of
Allegiance?" ----Jay Leno, comedian
Garth
I had forgotten what a fan of Garth Brooks that I am. I just finished watching his live special from L.A. on CBS. It was a benefit concert to raise money for the wild fires in California.
The first GB song I ever heard was "The Dance." I was a summer intern at State Farm that summer of 1990. I had gotten stuck with a bunch of guys moving storage boxes to a new location off site. Actually, I was suppose to be entering/archiving the boxes in the computer, but for some reason, I ended up with the guys. They were SO cute!! Mr. Burtram was the one that had the Garth cassette (no CDs back then) and I remember that they use to turn the music up really loud and sing. I didn't know the words to the songs, because I didn't listen to country music back then. The next memory I have of a Garth song was in a little later in high school at the pep rallies. Our football players normally walked into the pep rallies to either "We Will Rock You" or "We are the Champions." One week, it happened to be, "Friends in Low Places" and the whole gym went nuts (at least the white kids did)!! My last high school memory, was in senior AP English class. Mrs. Hill - for some reason - mentioned Garth's song, "Unanswered Prayers" during some stupid lit book were were reading. Man, I wish I could remember what book that was!
Graduation came and so did college. Carrie was dating Mr. Wheeler and he absolutely LOVED Garth!! The year after we graduated, Carrie, David and me rode over to Marshall, Texas together to go to the football game and I had to listen to the two of them sing all those Garth songs all the way there! Ugh! By this time, Garth had become a mega star and was beginning to have weekly (or so it seemed) specials on TV. I distinctly remember a TV special sometime around Thanksgiving one year while I was in college. Again, I was with Carrie at another one of her boyfriend's apartment. The TV was on and there were tons of people there watching the special. It was like a "Survivor Party," only Garth was the sole survivor of his own TV show!!
Are those crazy memories or what? But honestly, those are the things that I think about when I think of Garth Brooks. And would you believe that Carrie now lives in the same town as he does?....Owasso, Oklahoma! Her girls go to the same school as Garth's girls. How wild is that?
So tonight, after the special, I got online and began reading about Garth's career and an idea struck me. I read that he had a hard time performing and still having a family life. He officially retired in 1999 and said that he would not begin touring again until after his youngest daughter - Allie - turned 18. That's year 2015! But what got me was what is it in a person that says, "Let me walk away. Let me take a break? My family is more important than the money!" And I am referring to Brittany Spears and all the other actors and performers who are obviously struggling to draw that same line. Here you have a man that has topped all other performers before him - he is only third from Elvis (2nd) and the Beatles (1st) for records sold, who has won countless awards, and surpassed every sales record known to man and yet he stops. He pauses. He walks away. He promises his fans that he will be back and I think that is why he has been able to keep his fan base. They haven't had to hear about all his shenanigans and mess ups. Garth's actions haven't been all over the tabloids because he decided that his family (girls) were more important. The man doesn't even live in Nashville! He is totally removed from all the Hollywood hoopla and instead performs concerts to benefit others in need. To that, I say, "Thank you, Mr. Brooks!! Thank you for providing us with near-wholesome (you have to excuse some lyrics in his songs, but at least you never hear the f-bomb in one of them!)entertainment and for living a life that is so opposite of this new generation. Thank you, that the worst thing that we have to look at on you is your graying peach-fuzz head and that's only when you choose to take your cowboy hat off! There are no nose rings, no tatoos (that I know of). We don't have to check to see if he's wearing his boxers!! We don't care! Why? Because Garth is an entertainer. And I truly believe that that is his heart's desire...to entertain his fans and live a quiet and happy life with his family. Who can argue with that? Who can blame the man for deciding to walk away? I am just so thankful to be reminded that there are performers out there that can live a good and descent life outside of People magazine!
The first GB song I ever heard was "The Dance." I was a summer intern at State Farm that summer of 1990. I had gotten stuck with a bunch of guys moving storage boxes to a new location off site. Actually, I was suppose to be entering/archiving the boxes in the computer, but for some reason, I ended up with the guys. They were SO cute!! Mr. Burtram was the one that had the Garth cassette (no CDs back then) and I remember that they use to turn the music up really loud and sing. I didn't know the words to the songs, because I didn't listen to country music back then. The next memory I have of a Garth song was in a little later in high school at the pep rallies. Our football players normally walked into the pep rallies to either "We Will Rock You" or "We are the Champions." One week, it happened to be, "Friends in Low Places" and the whole gym went nuts (at least the white kids did)!! My last high school memory, was in senior AP English class. Mrs. Hill - for some reason - mentioned Garth's song, "Unanswered Prayers" during some stupid lit book were were reading. Man, I wish I could remember what book that was!
Graduation came and so did college. Carrie was dating Mr. Wheeler and he absolutely LOVED Garth!! The year after we graduated, Carrie, David and me rode over to Marshall, Texas together to go to the football game and I had to listen to the two of them sing all those Garth songs all the way there! Ugh! By this time, Garth had become a mega star and was beginning to have weekly (or so it seemed) specials on TV. I distinctly remember a TV special sometime around Thanksgiving one year while I was in college. Again, I was with Carrie at another one of her boyfriend's apartment. The TV was on and there were tons of people there watching the special. It was like a "Survivor Party," only Garth was the sole survivor of his own TV show!!
Are those crazy memories or what? But honestly, those are the things that I think about when I think of Garth Brooks. And would you believe that Carrie now lives in the same town as he does?....Owasso, Oklahoma! Her girls go to the same school as Garth's girls. How wild is that?
So tonight, after the special, I got online and began reading about Garth's career and an idea struck me. I read that he had a hard time performing and still having a family life. He officially retired in 1999 and said that he would not begin touring again until after his youngest daughter - Allie - turned 18. That's year 2015! But what got me was what is it in a person that says, "Let me walk away. Let me take a break? My family is more important than the money!" And I am referring to Brittany Spears and all the other actors and performers who are obviously struggling to draw that same line. Here you have a man that has topped all other performers before him - he is only third from Elvis (2nd) and the Beatles (1st) for records sold, who has won countless awards, and surpassed every sales record known to man and yet he stops. He pauses. He walks away. He promises his fans that he will be back and I think that is why he has been able to keep his fan base. They haven't had to hear about all his shenanigans and mess ups. Garth's actions haven't been all over the tabloids because he decided that his family (girls) were more important. The man doesn't even live in Nashville! He is totally removed from all the Hollywood hoopla and instead performs concerts to benefit others in need. To that, I say, "Thank you, Mr. Brooks!! Thank you for providing us with near-wholesome (you have to excuse some lyrics in his songs, but at least you never hear the f-bomb in one of them!)entertainment and for living a life that is so opposite of this new generation. Thank you, that the worst thing that we have to look at on you is your graying peach-fuzz head and that's only when you choose to take your cowboy hat off! There are no nose rings, no tatoos (that I know of). We don't have to check to see if he's wearing his boxers!! We don't care! Why? Because Garth is an entertainer. And I truly believe that that is his heart's desire...to entertain his fans and live a quiet and happy life with his family. Who can argue with that? Who can blame the man for deciding to walk away? I am just so thankful to be reminded that there are performers out there that can live a good and descent life outside of People magazine!
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Curve Balls
Psalms 20:7 "Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the Lord our God."
Proverbs 4:20-27 "...Let your eyes look straight ahead, fix your gaze directly before you..."
I couldn't begin to tell you how many curve balls Satan threw my way today. From emails to meetings, to co-worker's attitudes and even being hung up on, I feel like I faced it all today. And what did I do? I laughed! I actually laughed! A few months ago, the first email I opened this morning would have been enough to send me over the edge and back to bed with sobs! I paused. I stopped. And then I told myself that I wasn't going to let this bother me. This afternoon, when I sat right beside a particuliar person with no pleasantries exchanged - or even acknowledgement made - I told myself, "Ya know what? My God is bigger than you are!" And I silently laughed again. I think maybe God is laughing with me, too! So that's what I did today. I kept my focus straight ahead. I fixed my gaze on the truth.
When I read these verses tonight, I thanked God that I was able to trust Him again. I remember when Dr. Sheppard told me that my faith was the only thing that could get me through the depression, I remember thinking that I didn't have any faith left. I couldn't trust. I could remember the promises I needed to cling to, but my heart was numb. I remember thinking that I can't feel anything, much less trust someone. But everyday, God is strengthening my faith and renewing my spirit. I am learning that my faith has so much more to do with what I believe than how I feel.
Proverbs 4:20-27 "...Let your eyes look straight ahead, fix your gaze directly before you..."
I couldn't begin to tell you how many curve balls Satan threw my way today. From emails to meetings, to co-worker's attitudes and even being hung up on, I feel like I faced it all today. And what did I do? I laughed! I actually laughed! A few months ago, the first email I opened this morning would have been enough to send me over the edge and back to bed with sobs! I paused. I stopped. And then I told myself that I wasn't going to let this bother me. This afternoon, when I sat right beside a particuliar person with no pleasantries exchanged - or even acknowledgement made - I told myself, "Ya know what? My God is bigger than you are!" And I silently laughed again. I think maybe God is laughing with me, too! So that's what I did today. I kept my focus straight ahead. I fixed my gaze on the truth.
When I read these verses tonight, I thanked God that I was able to trust Him again. I remember when Dr. Sheppard told me that my faith was the only thing that could get me through the depression, I remember thinking that I didn't have any faith left. I couldn't trust. I could remember the promises I needed to cling to, but my heart was numb. I remember thinking that I can't feel anything, much less trust someone. But everyday, God is strengthening my faith and renewing my spirit. I am learning that my faith has so much more to do with what I believe than how I feel.
Sunday, January 20, 2008
Mr. M
Last week at church, Mr. M caught me in the hallway of the children's wing and told me that he woke up one morning the week before thinking about my husband. He said, "You know, the older your husband becomes, the more he is like his daddy was. He would just do anything for anybody and Wayne is that way and becoming more and more like his father." When Mr. M said those words to me, it brought tears to my eyes. I asked him if he would share that with Wayne himself and later, I found the two of them in the hall talking when I went to Alise's class to return the beeper.
I absolutely love when people compare Wayne to his dad. Mainly because it brings back so many (short) memories of a special loved one. Hollis was just a great Christian man in my eyes and so many people appreciated his kindness. He wasn't perfect, but he truly loved God and his family. I've said so many times before - and still wish - that he was still here with us. I, too, can see much of Hollis in Wayne. After all, they have the same name. But Wayne has such a great work ethic. He isn't lazy and he provides for me and Alise. He loves to hunt - something that he and his dad did together. He loves to eat, but his hands aren't quite as big as his daddy's (I don't think).
I am just very grateful that Hollis was a great example to his son. Wayne treats Alise and I like queens and we come first 99.9% of the time - outside of hunting season and work occasionally. He goes to church and I don't have to worry about where he is or what he's doing. He calls me to tell me he loves me and he also calls to ask "what's for supper" in the middle of the afternoon like his dad use to do to Ruth.
So right now - just like I did last week during my conversation with Mr. M - I'm falling in love with my husband again. And not just because it's my birthday!
I absolutely love when people compare Wayne to his dad. Mainly because it brings back so many (short) memories of a special loved one. Hollis was just a great Christian man in my eyes and so many people appreciated his kindness. He wasn't perfect, but he truly loved God and his family. I've said so many times before - and still wish - that he was still here with us. I, too, can see much of Hollis in Wayne. After all, they have the same name. But Wayne has such a great work ethic. He isn't lazy and he provides for me and Alise. He loves to hunt - something that he and his dad did together. He loves to eat, but his hands aren't quite as big as his daddy's (I don't think).
I am just very grateful that Hollis was a great example to his son. Wayne treats Alise and I like queens and we come first 99.9% of the time - outside of hunting season and work occasionally. He goes to church and I don't have to worry about where he is or what he's doing. He calls me to tell me he loves me and he also calls to ask "what's for supper" in the middle of the afternoon like his dad use to do to Ruth.
So right now - just like I did last week during my conversation with Mr. M - I'm falling in love with my husband again. And not just because it's my birthday!
Monday, January 14, 2008
Brighter Days
I don’t really believe in New Year’s resolutions. I consider making one and think, “what’s the use? I won’t keep it anyway.” So, instead, I tell myself, “well, I’ll just try to do better this year than I did last year.” That just sounds better to me. No promises. No broken promises and no feeling guilty for not keeping those promises.
Having said that, I am thankful that my God keeps His promises. I am thankful that He doesn’t have the same nonchalant attitude that I have when it comes to knowing that I won’t always keep mine. He not only has the “better” plan for my life, but right now, I am resting in the fact that He has the “best” plan.
I can feel my spiritual life growing as I begin to open God’s love letter on a daily basis (mostly) once again. I’ve started using my read-through-the-Bible-in-a-year Bible and I don’t feel guilty about reading it in the bathtub (where I do most of my thinking) or right before bedtime. Once a day, I try to physically pray on my knees beside my bed. It is the most awesome experience. I feel the hand of God on my shoulder and not even Satan himself can touch me during those moments. My attitude about work has changed and for once in a long time, I can say that I am happy.
I remember a few years ago when I began to get disgruntled with Sunday School, I thought, “I’ve heard all these stories before. I’ve gone to church all my life and there is not a single story in the Bible that I don’t know about. There is nothing new to learn.” First of all, yes, you may identify that with pride. I whole-heartedly agree. But secondly, once you’ve heard and know the stories, it’s no longer about how much you know but how God speaks to you through those stories. And maybe that’s where my frustration was. God was no longer speaking.
I am no longer going to counseling. I feel as if I have come full circle. That chapter is over (Thank you, God!). I look back and I think, “Man, those were some dark days!” But I consider myself blessed to have gone and come through that experience. Oh, for the joy of brighter days!
Having said that, I am thankful that my God keeps His promises. I am thankful that He doesn’t have the same nonchalant attitude that I have when it comes to knowing that I won’t always keep mine. He not only has the “better” plan for my life, but right now, I am resting in the fact that He has the “best” plan.
I can feel my spiritual life growing as I begin to open God’s love letter on a daily basis (mostly) once again. I’ve started using my read-through-the-Bible-in-a-year Bible and I don’t feel guilty about reading it in the bathtub (where I do most of my thinking) or right before bedtime. Once a day, I try to physically pray on my knees beside my bed. It is the most awesome experience. I feel the hand of God on my shoulder and not even Satan himself can touch me during those moments. My attitude about work has changed and for once in a long time, I can say that I am happy.
I remember a few years ago when I began to get disgruntled with Sunday School, I thought, “I’ve heard all these stories before. I’ve gone to church all my life and there is not a single story in the Bible that I don’t know about. There is nothing new to learn.” First of all, yes, you may identify that with pride. I whole-heartedly agree. But secondly, once you’ve heard and know the stories, it’s no longer about how much you know but how God speaks to you through those stories. And maybe that’s where my frustration was. God was no longer speaking.
I am no longer going to counseling. I feel as if I have come full circle. That chapter is over (Thank you, God!). I look back and I think, “Man, those were some dark days!” But I consider myself blessed to have gone and come through that experience. Oh, for the joy of brighter days!
Sunday, January 6, 2008
Success
Bill's sermon series for the new year is titled, "How to Succeed at Success" and his scripture verses are taken from Psalms 37. When I first saw the scripture verse on the screen today, I immediately thought of Shaun Alexander, the running back for the Seattle Seahawks and ex-standout at Alabama. I can't see "Psalms 37" and not think of him. After reading his book, it's no wonder that Shaun has had the success that he's had; He is truly a man of God.
But I went to church by myself. I was battling the whole issue of going and most of the time Wayne is the one that insists that He goes and I stay home, but today, it was the other way around. Besides, there was something inside of me that was willing me to go and not just to Sunday School but to church, too. I ended up sitting beside Patti, who is in my Bible study group, and her husband. Little did I know that what Bill was about to preach on was something that I needed to hear (again) and it was so appropriate with the turning of the new year and going back to work. His first point was about "making a wise choice" and he mentioned the "broad and narrow way." The point that struck home with me was about the narrow way being a hard road to take and that even though that's the path that God would have us take, it's not always easy. Boy, did I understand that! This past year was horrible as far as my career path and dreams and goals. And the depression was just the icing on the cake. It was the final straw. But I feel like the choices I made were the ones that pertained to that narrow road. The decision to stay in Monroe, the decision to seek help when I didn't know which way to turn...all those were choices made on that very narrow road and I am so grateful that was God's plan for my life.
He reminded me that God is more concerned about my character and my integrity than anything else. His second point was "don't envy wrongdoers." I have to admit that I've done just that. And it's not that I've 'envied" them...maybe just a strong dislike for those that I feel have caused part of my heartache. But I also know that they are the ones putting in the extra hours....missing times with their kids that are shifted from one household to the next because their marriage ended and maybe there was a third person. That's just too much drama for my life.
On the way home last night, I had a thought. When I was in high school, I was voted "Most Likely to Succeed." In that little album they give you when you graduate? You know the one that you write all about yourself in and what was going on in the world in that year and maybe you stuck other's graduation cards in the little slits? That one. Well, in there I had written something to the effect of that I would never get married or have children. That I was going to be a big time CPA for a corporation in Denver, Colorado. Drive a BMW, make X amount of money a year and wear the nice tailored suits and carry the brief case. That was my dream. Then, last night, it hit me. How much more blessed am I now than I ever thought I could be? I am married to a wonderful husband who I share a precious daughter with. I am a CPA and I do work for a corporation. My car costed - at the time we bought it - as much as a BMW was worth in 1991. I am making more money now than I wrote down in that book nearly 17 years ago. I have the brief case and the suits, but boy that case gets heavy and those pantyhose sure aren't any fun! Because I decided to live my life the way God had planned for me, my life has so much more meaning and value than I could ever think possible! So, in my mind, I am a success. I am more of a success than I ever thought possible. Those goals and dreams in 1991 just prove how naive and shallow I really was. Sometimes it's hard to learn to love the dreams that God has for us and probably most of the time, I've learned that the hard way. I've battled and wrestled with God; I've turned my back on Him in the past and done it my way, but the most important thing, was that I always came back. I always (and hopefully will continue) to come back to the one person who I know is true and has made me what I am and what I am becoming. The Way, the Truth, and the Life.
But I went to church by myself. I was battling the whole issue of going and most of the time Wayne is the one that insists that He goes and I stay home, but today, it was the other way around. Besides, there was something inside of me that was willing me to go and not just to Sunday School but to church, too. I ended up sitting beside Patti, who is in my Bible study group, and her husband. Little did I know that what Bill was about to preach on was something that I needed to hear (again) and it was so appropriate with the turning of the new year and going back to work. His first point was about "making a wise choice" and he mentioned the "broad and narrow way." The point that struck home with me was about the narrow way being a hard road to take and that even though that's the path that God would have us take, it's not always easy. Boy, did I understand that! This past year was horrible as far as my career path and dreams and goals. And the depression was just the icing on the cake. It was the final straw. But I feel like the choices I made were the ones that pertained to that narrow road. The decision to stay in Monroe, the decision to seek help when I didn't know which way to turn...all those were choices made on that very narrow road and I am so grateful that was God's plan for my life.
He reminded me that God is more concerned about my character and my integrity than anything else. His second point was "don't envy wrongdoers." I have to admit that I've done just that. And it's not that I've 'envied" them...maybe just a strong dislike for those that I feel have caused part of my heartache. But I also know that they are the ones putting in the extra hours....missing times with their kids that are shifted from one household to the next because their marriage ended and maybe there was a third person. That's just too much drama for my life.
On the way home last night, I had a thought. When I was in high school, I was voted "Most Likely to Succeed." In that little album they give you when you graduate? You know the one that you write all about yourself in and what was going on in the world in that year and maybe you stuck other's graduation cards in the little slits? That one. Well, in there I had written something to the effect of that I would never get married or have children. That I was going to be a big time CPA for a corporation in Denver, Colorado. Drive a BMW, make X amount of money a year and wear the nice tailored suits and carry the brief case. That was my dream. Then, last night, it hit me. How much more blessed am I now than I ever thought I could be? I am married to a wonderful husband who I share a precious daughter with. I am a CPA and I do work for a corporation. My car costed - at the time we bought it - as much as a BMW was worth in 1991. I am making more money now than I wrote down in that book nearly 17 years ago. I have the brief case and the suits, but boy that case gets heavy and those pantyhose sure aren't any fun! Because I decided to live my life the way God had planned for me, my life has so much more meaning and value than I could ever think possible! So, in my mind, I am a success. I am more of a success than I ever thought possible. Those goals and dreams in 1991 just prove how naive and shallow I really was. Sometimes it's hard to learn to love the dreams that God has for us and probably most of the time, I've learned that the hard way. I've battled and wrestled with God; I've turned my back on Him in the past and done it my way, but the most important thing, was that I always came back. I always (and hopefully will continue) to come back to the one person who I know is true and has made me what I am and what I am becoming. The Way, the Truth, and the Life.
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