Discipline

"My child, don't make light of the Lord's discipline, and don't give up when he corrects you. For the Lord disciplines those he loves, and he punishes each one he accepts as his child." ---Hebrews 12:5-6

"...our goal should be to ensure that our reflection of God draws our children closer to Him - and that it makes them long to touch the real thing..." ---Lisa Whelchel, Facts of Life actress

I have said before that I do not believe that the struggles I have faced over the last six months have been judgement from the Lord for sin in my life. I have prayed about this and I have a peace within my heart about that. However, after reading these verses tonight, I have a new concept of discipline and how it works. I believe that God uses discipline in our lives, not only as a form of consequences for our sin, but as a tool to make us more like His son. Which is exactly what I feel like He is doing in my life. These verses encouraged me tonight to keep going. And what a great reminder of His love in the same sentence! It is so hard and there have been times when I have wanted to just throw in the towel, but something kept me going. And I think it was the verse in Romans 8:37-38 that says that nothing can seperate us from the love of God. Sharon Evans said that she use to insert "not even a brain injury can seperate us from the love of God." I would have to add, "not even depression can seperate me from the love of God." How encouraging is that?

November Bible Study

I told my counselor on Monday that I was planning a special Bible study meeting on Tuesday…that we were having a guest speaker that is dear to my heart...that I was so worried about how I was going to introduce her to the group and that I had to remember to pick up the sandwich tray. She reminded me that Satan knows my weaknesses and also made the comment that maybe through the dream and set back that day, he was trying to take my focus off my plans for the Lord because God was getting ready to do something extra special on Tuesday night. Sometimes I think I under estimate the power Satan can have over my life. The Bible says that he is like a roaring lion and that he is out to destroy me. I admit that I am not always aware of Satan’s traps and sometimes I might brush off situations and circumstances because “that’s just the way the world is” or just not really being cognizant of Satan’s schemes. But didn’t Christ tell us to be “in the world” but “not of the world”? And I realized that I needed to be more on my toes about this lion that wants nothing more than to see me fail. My strength was renewed and I was determined that I was not going to let depression get the best of me, that I was going to continue fighting Alise over the whole potty training thing and that I was going to do the best job that I could at work. All for the Glory of God.

Last night, God did do something pretty special at Bible Study. I admit that I was a little anxious about the attendance since our group only includes seven girls, but after Lisa made that comment on Monday, I finally just gave it over to the Lord and said, “Ya know what, God? You make it happen. It’s not about me or what I want, but about what you want.” So don’t find it hard to believe that we had seven girls there – including the guest speaker. Only one friend wasn’t able to make it. It was the most “real” experience I’ve had with my Bible study buddies in a long time! We laughed, we cried, and we listened to Sharon as she told us the story about Jared’s accident and the things that she learned through the experience. My favorite part of the whole night was the scripture verses that Sharon had us read. She had a particular story or reason those five verses meant so much to her. She made the comment regarding the peace God gave her at the hospital when Jared was brought in and she said that God is so good to give us exactly what we need when we need it. After I got home, I was so excited that I couldn’t sleep (again! But no more dreams this time!). I was so energized! Hearing Sharon’s story about her faith walk just inspired me to try and do so much better than what I am already doing. I made the comment when I introduced her that I was not surprised be her inspirational emails that began circulating after Jared’s wreck because I knew who she walked with every day. God truly is so good!

A Set Back

My day ended last night with me reading my Bible. I was praying about our upcoming Bible Study and thinking about what I could say to introduce our guest speaker to our group. I finally turned the lamp off around 11:30, but I was still wide awake at 1:00. I think I dozed for maybe three hours and I had cold sweats. Alise woke up at 4:00 needing to go potty so I woke up again. The alarm finally went off, I got a shower, began putting my makeup on and that's when it hit me. I began crying hysterically; I couldn't even put my eyeliner or mascara on because of the tears. I felt like I had back sliden to the point where I was four months ago and I couldn't understand why it seemed that I falling apart again.

I managed to pull myself together long enough to get Alise dressed and to school. The minute I got back in the car, I began crying again. I made it to work, opened up my email and just lost it. I went to my boss's office and told her that I needed to leave, that I just wasn't going to be able to make it through the day. She hugged me and told me to do whatever I needed to do.

I came home and went straight to bed. My head was killing me and all I wanted to do was bury myself deeper and deeper under the covers. I ended up calling my counselor and was able to meet with her this afternoon. After we talked, I was able to trace back my emotions to a dream I had last night. I really didn't think much about the dream, but apparently it sparked my emotions and the depression all over again. My counselor told me that what I experienced today was similiar to what a person who has lossed a love one goes through. Maybe a place or person will bring back all the emotions of the loss. Mine just happened to be a dream (Sorry, but I feel like Joseph here!). She told me that I wasn't crazy (I felt like I was going crazy again), but that I was having a set back and anyone who is trying to go through a loss experiences these "episodes" from time to time. My counselor also told me that Satan knows my weaknesses and knows that I have a big Bible Study planned this week and that he would do anything to discourage my work for God. I told her that I was sick and tired of Satan and that I wished he would just go pick on somebody else for while. She laughed. I smiled for the first time today.

I am better now. My head still aches, but I am holding my head up again. I am thankful that I have a boss who understands and told me to do whatever I needed to do. The difference with this meltdown compared to the all the previous ones is that I felt myself holding on to God. I didn't understand what was happening, but this time the lines of communication were open and I did a whole lot of praying and it's amazing the verses from the Bible that came to mind.

I've been reading in Philippians how we are not to worry about anything, but to pray in all things - with thanksgiving. So tonight, I thanked God for my circumstances and I put my trust in Him even when I don't understand the big picture.

If You Only Knew

"So God has given both His promise and His oath. These two things are unchangeable because it is impossible for God to lie. Therefore, we who have fled to Him for refuge can have great confidence as we hold to the hope that lies before us. This hope is a strong and trustworthy anchor for our souls. It leads us through the curtain into God's inner sanctuary. ---Hebrews 6:18-19

I think believers are truly the most blessed people. Why? Because even though we may be facing the worst storms of life, we still have that tiny, itty, bitty reminder in the back of our minds that this world is not our home. No matter whether or not we want to claim that truth during our storm (because sometimes - even as Christians - we don't want to believe the Word that we've heard all our lives), we have a promise of something better. God made us for the eternal, not the temperal. It is that reminder..that hope...that keeps us going even we we don't feel like it.

During my months of depression, I can honestly say that I never wanted to take my life. My symptoms were more "desperation". But during that time, even though there were days that I didn't want to believe it (refused to believe it), I knew that my hope rested in Christ alone. That truth was revealed to me one Friday at an appointment with my gynecologist. I fully expected her to suggest I have my blood tested for "craziness" and even (gulp!) pre-menopause. But what she said to me was the total opposite. She never suggested tests. She said, "Laura, you know that your Faith is the only thing that is going to get you through this." There it was. The strong and trustworthy anchor. And gradually, each day after that, God began to reveal Himself to me in simple ways. Mostly through reminders of scriptures from the Bible. My hope became stronger.

When I think of the hope I have in Christ, I think of the loved ones that have died and are now enjoying the joys of Heaven. My thoughts are based on what I've "lost" because I can remember what life was like with them here. But, thank goodness, God's thoughts are not my thoughts and when He mentions hope, he refers to the "gain" we'll receive. Isn't it just like Him to be so optimistic and uplifting? Christ knows the joys that will one day come with the hope we have in Him. I like to think of it as "something a little extra." Our minds cannot conceive the treasure our hope truly is, but God says, "If you only knew..."

Thank You, God

"In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you." --1 Thessalonians 5:18

Sometimes it is so hard to be thankful. When tender moments that have previously been filtered through the fingertips of God become unfortunate circumstances and seasons of desperation in our lives, it's hard to say, "Thank you, God." And sometimes we have to go through those storms in order to finally get to the point where we can gratefully say, "Thank you, God." I am so glad that my God looks at the heart of me and not just my emotional state. How fictious it would be to have said, "thank you" during my period of loss this summer. My empty words would not have reflected my heart. And my Father knew all this because he created me the way that I am. How much more fulfilling and exhilerating it is to look back, remember the hurt, to remember the pain and in all truthfulness and joy, exclaim, "Thank you, God. Thank you for the journey. Thank you for pain. Thank you for the lesson. Thank you for making me more like your Son. Amen."

Okay

My dad asked me last night how I was doing and for the first time in a long time, I heard myself say, “I’m doing fine. I’m really okay.” I never thought those words would come out of my mouth again. What was so strange was that I actually meant it. I actually feel good.

Bill mentioned in one of his sermons a few months back that medications for stress and depression were the number one medicines that doctors prescribe these days. He named about three anti-depressants and then drove the point home by saying (more or less) that all stressed people really need is the Bible. Ever since I heard that, I have doubted whether or not I truly need to be on medication and I even felt guilty for taking it. I’ve thought that if my faith was strong enough, I shouldn’t need it. But even I knew that my faith and walk with Christ wasn’t what it use to be. I was ignoring Him. But I also felt like I was in control enough to handle the situation. I shared these thoughts with my counselor last week and she quickly disagreed with me. She told me, first of all, that God created me just the way that I am; there is not a single person on this planet that has the same identical physical features that I do; nobody has the same genetic makeup that I do; no one has the same personality, habits or quirks that I do…at least not all these things in one body, but you know what I mean. So when a person experiences a loss (she keeps calling it this and I am so glad to be able to put a name with “it”), the chemical makeup in the brain changes. The medication helps ease the serotonin, and whatever else those chemicals are called, back to the levels they need to be in order for the physical body to function again. In other words, the whole depression thing is out of my control! God made me that way! And what’s even more intriguing is that He knew all of this was going to happen anyway! He knew about the chemical part because He made me. He knew that I would need help getting those chemicals in my brain back in line and He knew all about how the situation would unfold so that I could get the medicine I needed for those chemicals in my brain. I can honestly say, “Thank God for drugs!! (legal kind, of course!) Wow! I can’t tell you what a relief it was to finally have that guilt and worry off me! Looking back, I would like to think that what Bill actually meant my the statement he made was: 1) stressed/depressed people who don’t know Christ need to read the Bible and not try to cover up the situation with prescription drugs, 2) stressed/depressed people who aren’t walking with the Lord as they should need to read the Bible, and 3) stressed/depressed people who have really experienced something in their lives should seek help from a physician. Those explanations are a lot easier to swallow than my first impression of, “You shouldn’t need anti-depressants. The Bible is all you need.” I’ve been tempted to ask him myself, but I am too chicken to do it. That’s all I need is for my pastor to know I’m on drugs!

I tried to think of a story in the Bible when someone was sick and needed medicine. I thought about in the Old Testament, that most of the time when a person was healed, it reads, “God healed him” or God “opened her womb.” In the New Testament, most of the time, the sick people came to Jesus or a friend or family member brought the sick person to Him. I would like to think that the friends of long ago are the medicines we find today. They are the cure-all that helps us find the Great Physician.