Grownups Only Cry when They're Alone

"Often our feelings lie beneath the surface,
Hidden by the smiles we wear upon our faces;
emotions are concealed,
we bear our sorrows on our own,
Grownups only cry when they're alone."

---Noel Richards, quoted by Sheila Walsh

Mountains & Valleys

My Mom sent me this picture along with some others in an email titled, "When God Colors." I am persuaded that God does allow His children to go through peaks and valleys. Why else would He create something so beautiful?

Broken-Hearted

You’ll never believe what I did today! I bought myself a new Bible. I know I’ve got a thousand Bibles, but my favorite one, my study Bible, is tearing up and the new turquoise and brown Bible caught my eye when I was in Lifeway at lunch. I knew I had to get it when I opened the Bible up and the page it fell open to had this verse highlighted in the margin: “The Lord hears His people when they call to Him for help. He rescues them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to the broken-hearted.” What a gift! I began crying right there in the store. I finally had a word for what I was feeling: broken-hearted.

Actually, it's even a miracle that I went to Lifeway today. I had emailed my mother about my doctor's appointment yesterday and she suggested I get a book from our church library on this particuliar subject. Instead of the church library, I thought about the Christian bookstore and went there in search of a particuliar book. It just so happened that I found myself on the Bible aisle and then found this particuliar Bible with that particuliar verse. I believe it was God reaching out to me.

And then, when I was sitting in the Sonic drive-thru line, I heard these lyrics from the Desperation Band on the radio: "I need you Jesus/Come to my rescue/Where else can I go?" How else can you describe "broken-hearted"?

A Sliver of Hope

Sometimes the best thing about church, is that even when you may not want to be found, God finds you. I couldn't concentrate on Bill's sermon today. For the first time in a long while, I had a desire to open my Bible. I wanted to try to find a verse that described how I've been feeling these past few months. My mind turned to David. After all, he was "a man after God's own heart." Did he ever suffer like I am? I know he was stressed from constantly being on the run from Saul, but were there days that he just wanted to run into a cave and let the world go by? I began reading in Psalms, but it seemed like every chapter I came to spoke of "Praising God" and my heart just couldn't do that. And then I found Psalms 22:1-2: "My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?/Why are you so far from helping me/and from the words of my groaning?/O My God, I cry in the daytime, but You do not hear,/and in the night season, and am not silent." It almost seems sacreligious to quote that verse after the One who died on the Cross and uttered those same words. But now, as I write these words, it hits me that I am not alone. Even Christ felt abandoned by His Father. How much worse was His affliction than mine? Mine seems so minute against the backdrop of the Cross. And yet, it's still there. All the confusion, disappointment, dispair, saddness and anger are still there. Even David asked, "why?" And now, I think about the plan that God had for his life...to make him King of Israel.

Maybe today was a gift. For the first time in a long time, I feel that I have just a sliver of hope.

Sitting In the Valley

My counselor says that I sound like a person who has suffered a divorce. She says that I have suffered a loss and that no matter how much I want things to be the way they use to be, they never will be again. She said that I am going through the same emotions as if there had been a close death in my life. The only good news is that when I re-took "the test," my numbers were lower than three weeks ago. I owe it all to medication, which is the only "gift" I've received so far.

The great thing about Christian counselors is that they don't use a lot of "philosophical" stuff on you and always try to lead you back to "the truth," which is God's word, His plans, and His ways. The fact is, I'm mad at God right now and although I feel like I'm treading on thin ice, I blantantly admit it. All I want to know right now is "why?" If I just knew the reason, I feel I could cope. I could get through this, if only I knew "why?" And, yet, maybe God has been good to me after all. He has given me time. Time to cry, time to rant and rave and act completely crazy (or so it seems), time to sink to the very bottom, time to be humbled. And right now, I hear the gentle knock at my heart's door, but I refuse to open it. I am being defiant and I know this. He's saying, "Laura, it's time. It's time to move forward. It's time to pick up and move on." But I choose to sit, still, in the valley. I still cry sometimes, like now, but my head is no longer face down. I'm sitting. I'm holding my head up, but I don't see anything but anger. Will I ever be able to stand again? Will I ever see the mountains again?

In the Valley

This week, someone sent me an email that quoted Rick Warren, author of "A Purpose Driven Life," as saying that he no longer believes that God allows good things and bad things to happen to people as "mountain tops and valleys," but rather simultaneously, occurring at the same time, "like a railroad track." I'm not sure I believe this. Everyone has good days and bad days....highs and lows...times of joy and happiness...and times of disappointment and despair. I can only remember two other times in my life of feeling that complete sense of loss...loss of control and sorrow and pain. The first time was when I turned 30. God gave me, 2 Corinthians 4:16, "For which cause we faint not; but though our outward man perish, yet the inward man is renewed day by day." The second time was after my first pregnancy which was diagnosed as a tubal pregnancy. God gave me the song, "Even in the Valley, God is good/Even in the valley, He is faithful and true/He carries His children through like He said He would/Even in the valley God is good." Here I am again...only this time, there is a diagnosis. And it didn't come from God. It came from a doctor and eventually a counselor. It's not life-threatening, but it is serious, and something that I do not wish to discuss openly. My counselor suggested that I begin writing again because it is a form of therapy. Unfortunatly, it looks as though God has chosen to take away this time instead of give. There is no soothing salve to cover the pain and despair this time. For some reason, over the last few weeks, the only thing that I can think about is the movie "Sisters of the Ya-Ya whatever" and the only thing that gives me comfort is knowing that the character who played Sandra Bulluck's mom did come home and she was wild and crazy as ever and she ended up being fine. I'll be fine one day, too, but right now, I am laying face down, crying in the valley.

"How Could I Ask for More" by Cindy Morgan

This song has gotten me through some tough times...You can go to Cindy's
Myspace site to hear the actual song.

There's nothing like the warmth of a summer afternoon
Waking to the sunlight, and being cradled by the moon
Catching fireflies at night
Building castles in the sand
Kissing Mama's face goodnight
Holding Daddy's hand
Thank you Lord, how could I ask for more

Running barefoot through the grass
A little hide and go seek
Being so in love, that you can hardly eat
Dancing in the dark, when there's no one else around
Being bundled 'neath the covers, watching snow
Fall to the ground
Thank you Lord, how could I ask for more

So many things I thought would bring me happiness
Some dreams that are realities today
Such an irony the things that mean the most to me
Are the memories that I've made along the way

So if there's anything I've learned
From this journey I am on
Simple truths will keep you going
Simple love will keep you strong
Cause there are questions without answers
Flames that never die
Heartaches we go through are often blessings in disguise
So thank you Lord, oh thank you Lord
How could I ask for more

"Above All" Video by Michael W. Smith