The Journey

Bible Study

2008-12-27T20:15:00.000-08:00

Yesterday (the day after Christmas) I ran into one of my Bible Study friends. She reminded me that we have a very short window of a few months before baseball season started to get together and try to resume (or revive) our group. She said, "Even if we can get together and just read the scriptures, I think that would be great." Her sweet comments made me smile.

Honestly, I haven't even thought about Bible Study. It's probably been four or five months since we've all gotten together. And as moms and working women, it's rather hard to get together every month. That's why we agreed that even getting together every few months would be better than nothing. But it's hard to have a close group that way.

I've decided that I am going to pray about it none-the-less. As the discussion leader, I feel that it's important to be prepared to lead our group in whatever God has planned for us - we have no set devotion or study guide. I think the girls like it that way. However, it requires alot of prayer and a close walk with my Savior, which is something that I feel I am lacking in these days.

Rest

2008-12-14T13:44:00.000-08:00

I am sitting here in my quiet house (no daughter or husband) listening to Christmas music via the satellite and watching the twinkling lights on our tree. Resting. On the Lord's Day.

I can hear the dish washer. And I hear the dryer in the utility room (the washing machine is finished with yet another load of laundry and "patiently" waiting to be emptied). Our air is on - if you can believe that!

And I gently hear the voice of the Lord say, "Rest." What a great word!

I like to think of Mary at this time of year. Nine months pregnant and riding a donkey all that way to Bethlehem? My crazy, selfish brain wants to ask, "What in the world were you thinking? How did you deliver your own child?" I think she must have been pretty darn special - in every way. God obviously did. A girl, yet a woman, too. Did she have any type of conversation with her mother before she and Joseph struck out about what to expect? What to do? Was Joseph any help at all? What did it feel like - in between contractions - to quickly be told there is no where to lay down? No where to rest?

Oh, Father, may there always be plenty of room in my heart and life for You to find complete and utter rest.

Benchmarking

2008-12-08T17:36:00.000-08:00

“Lord, how can I love You today?”

“What act of worship can I do?”

“What words can I utter that will honor and bless You?”

“What act of service can I do to represent Your love?”

“How would Your Spirit inspire me to pray today?”

These five questions were the topic of this weekend’s devotional in December’s issue of Journey magazine (which I love. I keep my copy on my desk at work). I thought they were great questions to ponder over.

Where I work, we are driven and graded by satisfaction scores. Those scores are then compared and evaluated against other benchmarking facilities within our peer group. The goal is always to be performing at the highest percentile of your benchmarking group. Maybe one facility has high employee turnover. That facility can in turn, contact someone within their peer group who may be performing at a much lower turnover rate and ask, “What are you doing to encourage employee morale? What benefits are you offering to retain employees?” so that they can try new methodologies to improve their own satisfaction scores.

Another thing that we pride ourselves on is customer service. We are training our employees to ask, “Is there anything else I can do for you today?”

When I read over the five questions above, I thought of them as benchmarks to my own prayer life. How often do I tell God that I truly love Him? Do I just rattle through my prayers and then go about my day as I want? Do I really put God first in all that I say and do? Is God honored with my actions and words? Do I magnify the name of Jesus with my life or do I belittle it? Do I hinder others from knowing the Lord?

I admit, when I benchmark my prayer life against these questions, I feel so inadequate. I am so careful to pray for the protection of my family through out the day and wisdom for myself for my job, but I never stop to ask, “Lord, what can I do for you today? Is there anything else I can do for you today, Lord?”

Stop. Ponder. Benchmark. Improve.

2 Corinthians 4:16

2008-12-01T19:08:00.000-08:00

December 2002 was not a good month for me. I was nearing my 30th birthday (in January) and was probably suffering from the beginning stages of depression. I was not looking forward to turning the big 3-0 at all. I felt like my life was slipping away from me.

Even though I was battling that huge cloud of gloom, I managed to continue my daily quiet times and Bible reading. But God still seemed distant and silent.

One Saturday afternoon, I took advantage of the quiet house (I remember Wayne was at the camp) and opened my Bible and began reading in 2 Corinthians.

I love when God speaks, but I hate when he uses a megaphone. That day, I was sitting on the couch and the words to the following verse seemed to just jump off the page at me, " Therefore we do not lose heart. Even though our outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day" (2 Corinthians 4:16). In the margin of my Bible, I wrote, "30th Birthday 12/23/02."

I remember thinking, "Wow!" But, God was saying, "Hello?! Anybody home (knocking on the door of my heart) ? Are you getting this, Laura? It's not about your outward body. It's not about you getting older. It's not about you. It's about your heart." That day, my dark and gloomy life began to see sunlight again.

I bring this memory up because 2 Corinthians 4:16 was part of my devotional reading tonight. I was able to go back to that personal altar and remember. It seems so childish now, but God can use the silliest ideas and turn them in to something so amazing for His honor and glory. I know that from experience. And I love Him for it.

Advent: Preparing My Heart

2008-11-30T16:57:00.001-08:00

Updated: I was just about to push the publish button when my mother called to tell me that my Grandmother has been diagnosed with three brain tumors. The largest is the size of a fist. She is 83.

Today is the first Sunday of the 2008 Advent Season.

The word "advent" is not something that I grew up hearing a whole lot in a Christian home and Baptist Church. It was simply, Christmas. The celebration of Jesus' birth. However, a few years ago, I did a little research on the advent season and it's meaning and I was greatly surprised that it's meaning and origin pretains to so much more than just the birth of Christ.

Advent has much to do with the preparation and anticipation of Christ's second coming. As Christians, our hope rests in the anticipation of a Messiah that will one day rule with peace, justice, and righteousness. It is the joy that floods our souls upon knowing that we will be reunited with our loved ones again. God poured Himself into a babe in a manger so that the world would know of His great love and longing to reconcile His creation to Himself. First came the virgin birth and now we await His second arrival.

I'm excited about Christmas this year and not for any particuliar reason. There is a renewed spirit within me for what the season truly means: celebration and expectation.

I want to do things differently this year. I want to prepare my heart by means of enlarging it for whatever God has planned for me this Advent season. I want to spend time in His word daily and find renewed love for Him and His purposes. And sometimes that is so hard. My desires normally come first and I have a three year old. But for the next 31 days, I want to fully commit to doing things God's way and exalting Him above all else.

The verse that comes to my mind tonight is Isaiah 9:6, "For unto us a Child is born, unto us a Son is given; and the government will be upon His shoulder and His name will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace."

Birth. Longing for redemption from an evil world. Anticipation of the second coming. Soon.

8 Spiritual Things About Me

2008-11-30T11:31:00.000-08:00

1. I accepted Christ as my Savior when I was in the third grade. I remember wearing my pink Easter dress with the slits in the sleeves that year when I walked down the aisle that Sunday night with my daddy. Walking down the aisle was a big deal to me and something that I absolutely did not want to do, but Daddy made me do it anyway. Of course, I was crying, because even then, I cried about everything!

2. I was baptized in a white and purple gingham dress. Imagine that! I'm not sure how long after I accepted Christ that I was baptized, but it wasn't very long. My mom was with me in the baptistry, not beside me, but there just the same.

3. When I was a teenager, I had one of those white Bibles that zipped up. It was the rage.

4. The year before Wayne and I got married, I taught second graders in Sunday School at my home church. On promotion day, the day I got "my class," the preacher handed me the roll and said, "Bless you, Child." I didn't know if that was a good thing or a bad thing. Those kids are in college now.

5. My mom never let me go to church with my friends that believed differently than we or were a different religion. My friends could come to church with me, but not vice versa. For instance, my favorite neighborhood friend was Luthern and no matter how many times we begged, I could never go to church with her. It would be years before I would step into a Methodist church and TONS of years later before I would attend a Catholic wedding.

6. My life verse is Jeremiah 29:11. That's where it all began for me.

7. I don't read my Bible like I should. I love God's Word and I consider it a love letter to His children, but I tend to take it for granted and not appreciate it or hide it in my heart like I should. I have a bad habit of putting other reading before His.

8. In college, God used a very spiritual guy that I went to church with, but didn't know personally, to convince me to leave a dysfuntional relationship that I was in with someone else. At the time, I knew this particuliar relationship was not right for me and I was earnestly praying that God would send me a Chrisitan husband. I thought this guy from my church was him. Wrong. A few months later, I met Wayne. See Jeremiah 29:11.

Mirya Carey Quote

2008-11-26T19:12:00.000-08:00

Mariah Carey is on the front cover of "Redbook's" December issue. I did not read the entire interview but I thought the following quote was interesting.

Mariah said that she celebrates Christmas with family and friends at her home in Aspen, Colorado. When describing her decorations, she says, "...And we have a manager set up in the front room because, to me, the season is about celebrating, about being with friends and loved ones, but first and foremost it's about the birth of Christ, and I think it's important to remember that."

The interviewer's next question is: "How does that religious aspect of the holiday fit into your celebration?"

Mariah responds, "One year I did a concert for Camp Mariah....that benefits underprivileged children. And every year I work with the foster kids of Denver. We do holiday events for them....Santa comes...."

My question is, did Mariah totally misunderstand that last question or does she totally misunderstand the "religious aspect of the holiday being the birth of Christ"?

(Source: Redbook, December 2008, "Mariah's Sweet Dreams of Christmas, by Julia Dahl, page 122)

Falling

2008-11-06T19:39:00.000-08:00

This evening when I was leaving work, I fell just outside the back door that leads to our building. I didn't slip; my ankle just gave and down I went. Of course, it had been raining, so I got wet, too. I was so thankful that no one was around - that I know of - to see me fall.

The first thing that entered my head when I managed to get back up was Ephesians 2:8, "For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God." Instead of berating myself subconsciously about how stupid and grace-less I was, a Bible verse came to mind. And of all Bible verses, why this one?

I'm still trying to figure this one out.

A Few of My Favorite Fall Things

2008-09-30T18:30:00.000-07:00

I couldn't let the last day of September go by without sharing a few of my favorite fall items:

You probably think my favorite color is orange, don't you?

And, of course, I ALWAYS enjoy a LOT of this:

So what are your favorite fall things?!? What do you like best about Fall?

Sorry to cut this so short, but I'm waiting for Alise's teacher to call me back. We had an "episode" today at school. It involves teeth. More about it later.

Wisdom

2008-09-29T19:14:00.000-07:00

One of the first verses I ever memorized was James 1:5, "If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach." God knows that I need lots of wisdom. Sometimes I remember this verse when I have a decision to make or struggling in some area of my life. Sometimes I do my own thing. Sometimes I simply forget to ask.

This reminder tonight goes right along with my preparation for Bible study about having other gods in my life. I felt God gently encouraging me that I needed to pray for wisdom to know my gods, wisdom to shut them off, wisdom to know my weak moments, and wisdom to know when to simply say "no".

Oh, God! My gods!

2008-09-28T20:54:00.001-07:00

I can't believe it has been so long since I've posted here. It seems like July 31st was just yesterday!! Forgive me, Father, but my priorities have not nearly been as focused on You as they should be lately. I could blame all the things that have been going on in my life since July 31st, but You already know what those were/are. Absolutely nothing escapes You.

I've been preparing for our Bible Study this Thursday. We will begin the study, "No Other Gods" by Kelly Minter. I have been so convicted just preparing for it! Oh, God, my gods!! I can understand why those crazy Israelites had Aaron build that golden calf at the foot of the mountain! They didn't have television, a three year old, a computer, novels, a favorite football team, and a job to steal their focus and control their lives.

I have a confession.

When Wayne and I were at the Bama v. Tulane game earlier this month, God decided to bless me with a "teachable moment." The game was just beginning! The band was playing, the players were running out on the field and the whole stadium was in an uproar. Wayne and I were climbing all over each other - and those sitting around us - with excitment...jumping up and down and hollering for our favorite college football team.

As the team ran onto the field, I heard God whisper, "If only you could get this excited about me."

For just a few seconds, I paused.

I thought, "Wow!"

I thought, "I am doing so much wrong."

I whispered back, "Yes, Lord, if only I had the same passion for you!"

I've lost my First Love. I've lost the passion and I have replaced it with the "joys" of this world. It's like the song the choir sung this morning in church, "We're just playing games/at the foot of the cross/not realizing the cost."

My heart has been heavy for a lost friend. With all the media hype about the economy and gas prices and with all that she-bang, I was reminded this week that we are so close to the end. God promised there would be days like this. The news of the economy are only the labor pains. My brain says, "God, come quickly! Take us away from this mess!" But my heart says, "Lord, give me the chance to talk to him one more time. Father, lift the veil from his eyes before it is too late."

Oh, God. Be my God.

15 Minutes of Fame

2008-07-31T18:58:00.000-07:00

A few years ago VH1 had a series entitled, "15 Minutes of Fame: Where are they now?". It documented the lives of star celebrities, singers, actors, politicians, etc. that had all reached that pivital moment in their lives and simply asked the question, "What happened to them?" I thought about this show the other night when my daily Bible reading had me in the book of 2 Chronicles.

I read the story about King Uzziah who came to rule Judah when he was only 16 years old! Can you imagine?! The Bible says that "as long as he sought the Lord, God gave him success." Uzziah went out and built this huge army and was successful against defeating the Philistines and as a result of this, word began to spread throughout the land and he became famous. With his fame came power. And with unleashed power came pride.

King Uzziah walked into the temple one day and decided that he would burn incense on the alter. This special task was given only to the priests; not the King. The priests confronted him about his actions and Uzziah became angry. He ranted and raved and then suddenly, the Priests began to notice that the King was breaking out with leprosy on his forehead. He had to live the rest of his life in seclusion...away from his palace and the temple of God. Verse 23 of 2 Chronicles 26 says, "Uzziah rested with his fathers and was buried near them in a field for burial that belonged to the kings, for people said, "He had leprosy.""

For all the good and mighty things that King Uzziah did, his moment of fame was that people remembered him more for having leprosy than they did the battles he won, the skillmanship that he exhibited, or his commandeering. What a shame that Uzziah took his eyes off God and began to see the things that he thought he had done. And I think, "How arrogant to walk into the temple and play Priest!" But I do that everyday when I choose to put my thoughts, desires, and actions before God and what His plans are for me.

Father, I pray for the grace to keep my eyes on You.

I Chronicles 29:11-13

2008-07-19T21:34:00.000-07:00

"Yours, O Lord, is the greatness and the power and the glory and the majesty and the splendor, for everything in heaven and earth is yours.

Yours, O Lord, is the kingdom; you are exalted as head over all.

Wealth and honor come from you; you are the ruler of all things. In your hands are strength and power to exalt and give strength to all.

Now, our God, we give you thanks, and praise your glorious name."

How many times do I see the words, "you" and "yours." It's called praise: taking my eyes off myself and my circumstances and turning them up toward Him.

I Could Choke Somebody

2008-07-08T19:20:00.000-07:00

How do you feel when you know someone is not living in God's will or is deliberately doing his or her own thing? What if you know that thing is morally, spiritually, and physically wrong and those circumstances have wrecked and laid havoc on so many peoples' lives?

I want to grab that person by the shoulders and say, "WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?!?!"

{Sigh.} {Big Sigh.}

Tonight I read about Paul's testimony in King Agrippa's court. Paul told the king how he had persecuted the Jews and about his conversion on the road to Damascus. He reminded the king about the things that Moses had taught and then asked, "King Agrippa? Do you believe the prophets? I know you do." And King Agrippa replied, "Paul, surely you do not plan to make me a Christian so soon." Discouragement. Sheer discouragment. And the ironic thing was that Paul was already in chains.

My friend ticks me off! I want to yell and scream at her. But when I prayed about it tonight, I heard God say, "Pray. Pray without ceasing." And, so. I continue to pray. I pray inspite of my friend's actions. I pray inspite of my own disappointment and lack of faith (somewhat) that anything good could actually become of these prayers. It's hard to imagine a changed life....a new road and a fresh start for her. But then again, that's exactly what God did for me.

It just hit me just now that I am limiting God. Limiting Him by the way I want things "fixed" and how I want so-and so's life cleaned up. I want to witness a "miracle story" and yet God is capable of so abundantly more. My new prayer will be for God to do so abundantly more than I could ever hope He could in my friend's life.

John Saw the Sign

2008-07-05T11:55:00.001-07:00

When Wayne and I were dating, we liked the rock band, Ace of Base. A of B had a song out titled, The Sign. Part of the chorus went something like this: "I saw the sign/and it opened up my eyes/I saw the sign." This afternoon, I was reading in the book of John (the disciple) and his portrayal of John the Baptist (John 1:29-34). John the Baptist saw the sign and it opened up his eyes.

The Baptist was actually Jesus' cousin, born to Zechariah and Elizabeth. He was six months older than Jesus and was the preamble to Jesus' own ministry. The Baptist was not the Messiah, Elijah, or the end time prophet (John 1:25), but he must have been a pretty special person for God to have shared the Sign with him.

Descend and rest. That was the sign! God told The Baptist, "The one on whom you see the Spirit descend and rest is the one who will baptize with the Holy Spirit"(John 1:33). In other words, "He is my son!" The Baptist testifies that he did not know Jesus was the Messiah until he saw the Sign.

Two things:

1)The Sign is "the foretold coming of Jesus" to the Baptist and then it is also Jesus himself. I like to imagine The Bapitist in water up to his waist in the Jordan River. He has his hand raised high, about to baptize a new Jewish believer when a face in the crowd catches his eye. As John baptizes, The Face moves forward and comes to stand at the edge of the bank. John looks up and his eyes lock with the caring and compassionate eyes of The Face. The crowd begins to quiet down because they finally notice the stranger in their midst. Ever so slowly, The Face leaves the bank and wades up to The Baptist. "Baptize me in the name of the Father and Holy Spirit," The Face says and it is done. The heavenly dove descends and rests and John the Baptist's eyes are open. He has seen The Sign.

2)Descend and rest. Quite frankly, the resting part was something I never noticed until today. I knew that in the Old Testament, the Holy Spirit was only given to individuals as God deemed. It was sometimes given and taken away. However, for the first time in the Bible, the Spirit remained. The Spirit rested. As believers in Christ, the Holy Spirit remains in us also. It is up to us as to whether or not we heed it. Does the Spirit find rest in us?

I Love Bibles!

2008-06-27T20:24:00.000-07:00

I can't begin to count how many Bibles I have. What can I say? I love God's Word.

There is my pink "Women's Devotional Bible". Remember those? They came out about thirteen years ago for everybody under the SON...the "Men's Devotional Bible,"(in green) the "Couple's Devotional Bible"(in blue). I have all those and the reason I remember the pink one is because it was the Bible Wayne bought me about two months after we were engaged. I've got Bibles in every color you could imagine with my name engraved on them. Wayne also presented me with the first Bible with my new married name engraved on it. It was navy blue leather. I've got many - not all - translations...King James (the ONLY version according to my parents), the New KJ, the NLV, the Message, the NIV, the NLT, and XYZ.

But here is a pic of my favorite, greatest Bible of all time.

This Bible has been to every Beth Moore Bible study that ever existed. It has been -accidently - set in a puddle of water on the kitchen counter and soaked through to the beginning pages of Genesis. My old notes written in hot pink, green, and blue ink, now look like a colorful rainbow. It has gone with me to Women of Faith Conferences and was tucked away in my suitcase for who knows how many business trips and vacations. It holds so many precious mementos: both my Grandpa's obituaries, a newspaper clipping of my dad in 1979, a bookmark that Kate Russell made me when I use to babysit, another beaded bookmark from my best friend, Leigh, as well as a letter I wrote to my father-in-law a few years after he died. As you can tell, my favorite Bible has just about had it!

I remember a friend in one of my Sunday School classes making the comment that one of her most treasured possessions was her Grandmother's Bible. She said that her Grandmother's Bible meant so much to her because inside the Bible, her Grandmother had made notes in the margins, written dates of significance, and these handwritten notes were special because they represented her Grandmother's life. I remember that comment as if it was yesterday and that day, I vowed to start "writing" in my Bible. Now, I come from a family with parents that said "writing in your Bible is a no-no." Every now and then I can remember my mother underlining a verse in hers during a sermon, but for us kids, we just didn't do it. "Maybe" John 3:16 might be highlighted (Heaven forbid!) but other then that, we just didn't write in our Bibles. So, after that particular comment was made, I went to town and I started marking and highlighting and writing all in my Women's Study Bible. I've got every color highlighter, every color ink, Beth Moore quotes, Bill Dye quotes, John Doe quotes written all over the place. On some pages, the margins are completely filled up. And I've also made notes from my own study times and quiet times with Him. And you know what? That friend was right. My Bible has become my life. It is my world because it represents all the things that I have learned and discovered in this Journey about my God. It is personal. It is a part of me. And that is why I just can't seem to part with this particular one.

I asked Wayne one Sunday when we were pulling into our driveway after church if he had any duct tape. That day, the maroon binding had torn off and I was so sad about it. When he asked me why, I told him what my plan was - to tape my Bible back together - and he said, "Laura, that would be sacrilegious to do that. You've got so many Bibles. Just use another one."

About two years ago, Ruth gave Wayne his daddy's Bible - just like it was the day he died - with all the papers still stuck in it. Wayne wasn't home that day when she brought it by so I showed it to him when he got home that night. I noticed a while later that he disappeared to our bedroom with his dad's Bible and when he came back into the living room I could tell that he had been crying. On that day, he understood the importance of a Bible and I don't think all the duct tape in the world would have been enough to hold in the love and significance of holding that black book in his hands the way his daddy had.

There is just something to be said about God's written Word. It is everything that He says that it is. It does not return void. It cannot be added to or deleted from. It DOES endure.

Ms. L

2008-06-25T08:50:00.000-07:00

Some husbands give their wives jewelry when they have a baby. For instance, a friend of mine got new diamond earrings from her man for having another baby. Some get a new slide for their slide bracelet or maybe a new necklace with the baby’s birthstone. Me? I got a maid! Yep, that’s right! A maid!

Now, don’t get me wrong. Ms. L is like a breath of fresh air to me. She’s like a little angel that sneaks in to our home when nobody is looking. She sprinkles a little pixy dust and works her magic every other week. I LOVE every other Thursday…knowing that I’ll be coming home to a nice, clean “orderly” home. Even Alise has begun to notice her bed being made and her toys are in their place on the Thursdays afternoons after Ms. L comes! The way I remember how long Ms. L has been cleaning our house is by the age of Alise. I absolutely love the fact, that I don’t have to worry about doing housework (cleaning) and so therefore, it allows me more time to spend with Baby Girl (I will do some “touch up” cleaning in between weeks).

But the Wednesdays before Ms. L comes the next day? Well, that’s a different story! All three Horton’s are running around picking up and straightening up so that at least everything is out of the way of the things that are to be cleaned. Alise has to pick up all her toys, I have to tidy the kitchen (Ms. L doesn’t do dishes), Wayne has to gather the trash and pick up after himself, I have to hang clothes that I’ve just thrown on the rocking chair in our bedroom…the list goes on and on! We’re running around cleaning for the maid!! And, of course, my husband just doesn’t understand it! He asks, “What are we paying her for?”

Last night I was thinking that I would have to do the same running around and straightening up today to get ready for Ms. L’s visit tomorrow. And then, something struck me: How often do people think that they’ve got to get their lives in order before they can come to Jesus? Just like I think that my house needs to be “picked up” before the maid can come, so many people think, “Well, I’ve got to quit smoking before I can get saved” or “I’ve got to quit hanging out at the bars before I can talk to God again” or “I’ve got to get married and have a family before I can start going to church?” And even as a daughter of Christ, I make the same mistakes in my own life. I don’t put God first nearly as much as I should. I think, “Oh, just let me write one more email” or “Let me fold just one more load of laundry before I open my Bible” and God gets the leftovers. By then, I’m drained and tired and my mind is not totally focused on what He might have to say to me. Jesus said to simply “Come.” “Come unto Me, all you who are heavy burdened and I will give you rest.”

No matter what you’re going through – or what you’ve done or currently doing – Jesus will give you the rest and peace you need. You simply have to take Him at His word and believe that He is Who He says He is! The Great I AM.

So….I’m back on my knees in the mornings (most of the time before Alise wakes up! This morning, I could hear Hannah Montana in the living room while I prayed. Imagine that! But I was able to block her out!) reading from Psalms and Proverbs. At night, I read my Bible and do a short devotional. It’s hard getting back into habits. But this is one habit that I know I will benefit the most from. I encourage you to get in God’s Word and let the Great I AM speak to you.

Philippians 2:13 - Continued

2008-06-24T19:15:00.001-07:00

I can not believe the people and situations God has placed me in the last two days. Here goes:

Yesterday, I had lunch with a friend that I've been thinking about and praying for for several months. I invited her to our Bible Study in July. She and I had lunch together yesterday and I asked if she thought she might come to Bible Study. She told me that she thought she might. We're planning on watching the new Chonda Pierce video and I asked if she had ever heard of her. She said she had. She told me that she had actually attended a Women of Faith conference a few years ago. I was shocked. When I asked if she knew about Beth Moore, she told me she did. Shocker number two. I don't mean to be mean or sarcastic. I just mean it in a way....well, I can't really describe it. We all have moments when we're involved in things that we shouldn't be. Obviously, my friend comes from a Christian home. She talked about church, but I don't think she is living the life that is indicative of it right now. Enough said.

Today I had a little time to kill in between spot checking inventory at the hospital. One of our managers and I had a very interesting conversation about the book of Ruth. He and his wife attend a church in West Monroe and he said that they have been listening to Bill on the radio after they get home from their church. AS said that he really liked Bill and so did his wife, so I invited them to our church. AS said he really wanted to go but that his wife's family is really deep-rooted in the church they currently attend. He also told me that he came from a Catholic background and that he was not a member of that church. That statement spoke volumes. So we talked about the book of Ruth for a while; I don't think he got the concept of the whole "kindsman redeemer" idea. AS thought that the relationship between Naomi and Ruth was more important; he couldn't understand the love relationship between Ruth and Boaz. He called Boaz Ruth's "sugar daddy" and said that he even voiced this in his own S.S. class (their S.S. class was studying the book of Ruth the same time Bill was preaching on it at our church)! I laughed and said, "AS, I CANNOT believe you said the word 'sugar daddy' in a S.S. class!!" I tried to explain to him even if that WERE the case (which I don't believe it was...), that even God can take something so "bad" and turn it into good for His glory. I asked him if he heard Bill's part of the sermon that talked about Ruth being in the lineage of Christ. He hadn't. We finally had to go back to work. This whole conversation happened today after I even posted my entry last night! I can't help but wonder what is going to happen tomorrow.

Philippians 2:13 was just a verse that God gave me late Sunday night when I opened my Bible. I've decided to start memorizing scripture again and so this is my verse to memorize this week. Little did I know what was about to happen.

I'm not quite sure exactly what "God is working in me." I remember today when AS and I were having our conversation, in my mind I was asking, "God, what are you doing here? What am I suppose to say?" At this point, all I can do is hope and pray that I am doing "what pleases Him."

Philippians 2:13

2008-06-23T19:53:00.000-07:00

"For God is working in you, giving you the desire and the power to do what pleases him."

More to come.

Great Decisions

2008-05-18T20:27:00.000-07:00

I just finished Kirk Cameron's autobiography, "Still Growing." It is a very good read and I believe that Kirk is a Christian whole-heartedly. I wanted to share some excerpts from his book, which I think, sum up the question everyone wants to know:

[Kirk says,] "When I was on The O'Reilly Factor, Bill asked, "Has your conversion hurt your career in Hollywood?"

"I answered, "The truth is, I have a beautiful wife. I've been married 15 years. I've got six kids. I've got an exciting career. I'm passionate about a show I love. And I'm talking to Bill O'Reilly in front of 4 million people, not because I was caught with a gun in my hand but because of my faith. So I think it was a great decision."" (page 201, Still Growing)

"...I've been dropped by UTA, AMG, and William Morris agencies. I've made all the wrong decisions, yet 20 years later, I still show up in a positive light on high-profile shows. I'm working on season four of my TV series. And to top it off, my name's written in heaven.

"Life is good. The high cost of following Jesus on the narrow road may look totally backward to some, but the infinite value and adventure has been thrilling beyond my wildest dreams." (page 202, Still Growing)

I see Kirk Cameron in a different light. Yes, he will always be that loveable, Mike Seaver, but now, he has become ever so personal. His struggle to let go of his own dreams and desires for God's will and plan are no different from my own. He prays. He reads his Bible. He is genuinely concerned about where people will spend eternity. Kirk has given back tremendously to those in need and for children who are sick. He wasn't one of those actors that "went the way of Hollywood." Instead, he chose to rise above Hollywood and God has blessed his life because of his decision to be faithful to his Savior.

Atheist

2008-04-28T19:08:00.000-07:00

Kirk Cameron a self-professed atheist (not anymore)? I was shocked? Should I be?

Atheist is a hard word for me. Almost harder than someone actually saying, “I don’t believe in God,” which is the exact definition of the word. I have a hard time with people who call themselves atheists. Not in an argumentative way, but I really want to ask them, “Ok, what do you believe in? Obviously, you know that death is inevitable. Where and how do you see yourself once you cross the line from life to death? Is that just the end and that’s it?"

As I mentioned in my previous blog, I was a fan of Kirk Cameron's back in the 80's. He was so cute!! I'll never forget "the pose" in one of the first episodes where it showed Kirk's backside with a ball cap hanging out of his pocket! I think it was the "Springsteen" episode. Anyway, as a young teenager growing up in the 80's, you just didn't think about whether or not your favorite actor or actress was a Christian (If my parents had found out that he was an atheist, they would have made me take down all my posters and pictures of him). You just drooled over the pages of BOP & Teen Beat magazines and traded the centerfolds and glossies with your friends. But now, I am reading Kirk's autobiography and in it, he says that he didn't grow up in a Christian home. His dad was of the opinion that his children should decide for themselves how they wanted to view God and religion. Kirk says that his mom went to church growing up but after she and his dad married, they never went. The family spent their Sundays at the beach with grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins. Listen to what he says in his book, "Still Growing:" "...my earliest religion choice: to be a full-fledged atheist. I was convinced that God didn't exist, and my dad was fine with that conclusion." Now, this statement comes from a family that obviously set high standards for their children. The Cameron family was very tight-knit family. Kirk wasn't a party-er; the worst thing he ever did was get his ear pierced without "asking permission from his mom." So, how could a lovable, very moral family, allow their children to believe that there is no God? Growing up in a Christian home and accepting God's free gift of salvation at a very young age makes it hard for me to understand that there are people in this world who -today- still say that there is no God. It reminds me of another '80's rock band, Poison, who came out with the song, "Give Me Something to Believe In." Don't atheists believe in something?!? Where is their hope? Where is their yearning for something better? Do they not question their purpose for being put on this earth?

Oh, Father, please give them something to believe in. Open their eyes that they may see You for who You really are.

"For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son that whosoever believeth in Him should not perish, but have everlasting life." --John 3:16.

Kirk Cameron

2008-04-26T18:53:00.000-07:00

Okay. I admit it. I use to be in love with Kirk Cameron. What can I say? What girl wasn't? Tuesday nights at 7:30 was a must-see TV night in every young girls' world. Everyone was in love with Mike Seaver! (If I could find that picture Carrie took of me when we were freshman and I was hugging my poster of Kirk in my pep squad uniform, I promise I would scan it and post it here). Imagine my surprise today when I was in Lifeway Christian Bookstore and saw that Kirk has written a book about his life. I love autobiographies and even though I haven't kept up with him (I do know he was in the "Left Behind" movie), I decided to buy it. I love stories about what God has done and is doing in people's lives and those are just stories that you don't hear too much coming out of Hollywood these days. So, check out the book and I'll let you know what I think, too.

Clinging to the Toilet

2008-04-25T09:20:00.000-07:00

On the way to Memphis last weekend, I read an article in the May issue of "Woman's Day" magazine by Traci Schrader. On May 4, 2007, Greensburg, Kansas, where Traci and her two sons lived, was leveled by a giant tornado that was estimated to be two miles wide. She says, "The wind made a terrible racket. I yelled, "Get down!" and hunched over Paden with Lee between us, all of us hugging the toilet bowl, with that [futon] mattress over us. In the next instant, I could feel the mattress lifting, then it was gone and the walls were lifting. The tank was lifted off the toilet. I was screaming, "Lord! Protect my children!" The boys were screaming and praying." Later in the article, Traci says, "Our house was totally gone. We're not talking fallen-down walls and rubble. There was no house, nothing left!...Except for the base of the toilet, my house was gone."

But the best part is this: Traci went on to talk about the things that she and her family found in the rubble...pieces of her chili pepper collection, one of the boys' baby blankets, and a piece of a wooden cow that her grandfather had whittled for her. She says, "The one piece of furniture we found was my dresser. It was totally empty, except the top drawer still had my Bible inside." Now, is that not God?

That article brought tears to my eyes and I remembered the Bible verse that said that God's word will not return void. God's word was not destroyed during that tornado! I wonder how long Traci's Bible had been in that drawer? A few days? A month? Five years? The fact is, it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter if Traci hurridly stuck the Bible in the drawer two seconds before the tornado struck because God's word endures. It endures the storms of life. It endures the heart break of starting over and of going forward. It is the very foundation that we are to build our lives on and just as Jesus' parable says, "And when the storms [of life] came, his house was not destroyed because he built his house on a firm foundation."

Wayne and I have had to replace both the toilets in our house since we've lived in our current home. Now, I'm no plumber, but I've half-way watched Wayne as he has put these toilets in. If my memory serves, the base of the toilet is just "sealed" on the the hole at the floor with this putty-looking gel stuff. No cement. No super glue. Knowing what I "think" I know about toilets, how is it that the very back of the toilet was blown away and the actual toilet itself was not totally gone, also? How could a rubbery looking seal hold a mother and her two sons close during a terrible storm? I believe that when we cling to the one thing that we know and trust we can weather the storm. Even if we have to cling to the toilet bowl.

No Boundaries

2008-04-01T17:26:00.000-07:00

My friend came in my office this morning to talk. I told her that I thought about her yesterday during Bill’s sermon. She said, “Really?” and wanted to know what his sermon was on. I told her that he was starting a new series about the gap between our hurts and God eventually healing those hurts. I also told her that I could see how this series would apply to some of the things that I had experienced in my own life in the past. I invited her to come to church with me; told her that she could sit with me and Wayne and that most of the girls in our Bible Study group went to the first service, too. She said that she might come.

I am so careful not to push. I am so worried that if I keep hounding her about Bible Study and church that I might scare her away. But I continue to pray. I pray daily for wisdom and discernment because deep down, the LRH that I know, would never have the words. It is all in God’s divine plan. I truly believe that every word I have spoken to my friend have been God given.

My friend told me that her book and workbook have come in. She said she is working in it. I encouraged her to keep going. One thing she said to me last week was that her counselor told her that she “has no boundaries” or that she needed to “set some boundaries.” That encouraged me because with that comment, I knew she was getting the kind of advice she needs. And it kinda hit the nail on the head as to how I would sum up my friend’s life.

But aren’t boundaries learned? Aren’t boundaries processed conscientiously? Doesn't everybody have some sort of sense about what is right and what is wrong? I think most of the time, for some reason or other, there can be just a simple disregard for them….the “me” concept that says, “I’m just gonna do what I want to do” with no qualms about what is right or wrong. I get that way, too. Sometimes it's because I'm discouraged and I just want to say, "What's the use?" Sometimes it's pride or selfishness. But I think all of us, at one point or the other in our lives, makes that conscientious choice to do their own thing. But as Christians, you can't do your own thing without suffering the consequences or feeling bad, guilty, whatever you want to call it. You simply can't do it. That's part of knowing when you've overstepped your boundary. That's what it's like to live in the flesh and not walk in the Spirit.

Searching

2008-03-20T20:50:00.000-07:00

I haven't really talked to my friend this week. I don't like to question her about her permiscuous(sp?) lifestyle, because I feel like that gives her the wrong idea...like I'm more interested in what she's done than whether she is beginning to turn the corner. It's simply better if she just moves forward. But this afternoon, she came in my office and sat a while and talked. She told me that her counselor suggested she read a book and complete a workbook. I think she said the name of it was "Searching for Significance." It sounds like a good start to me. Today for the first time, she begin to "make sense." She knows what she needs to do to turn her life around. If she will just follow through. Anyway, I had forwarded my friend an email that one of my Bible study friends had sent me this morning about answering a prayer for a fellow group member. She asked me if I had my Bible study group a few nights ago...and referenced the email that I had forwarded her. I told her that I did and the reason I didn't think to say anymore to her about it was because I thought if she really wanted to go she would say something to me. My friend said, "Well, I forgot about it, but I probably should have went." I was shocked that she said that. I didn't think she had really shown an interest when I invited her last week.

The fact is, my friend is searching for something. And I know that she's been looking in all the wrong places to find it. Yes, she's made bad choices, but like anyone with a sound mind, she knows the difference between right and wrong. But sometimes I wonder if she's just sorry that she got caught. How long would she have kept this charade going? I guess the good point is that she's trying to do something about it. I think she really wants to turn her life around. And somehow, someway, I feel like I am a part of that. I feel like I am suppose to help her turn this corner. I continue to remember to "love the sinner, hate the sin."

My friend told me that she was going to church on Sunday. She said she was going to church with her parents; said it was a small church. I told her about our church having Easter services at the colesium, but she didn't sound interested. She did make the comment, "I usually go on holidays." I don't know many people who say that. All my friends go to church. But I think she is the exact person who Bill reminds us from time to time that are looking....searching for something....and I know that I may be the only glimpse of Jesus that she'll see. I just pray that even through my mistakes and weaknesses, she will see Him in me and eventually want the same thing for her life, too.

P.S. I forgot to mention the most important thing! I told my friend - when we were talking about my Bible study group - that my group asked about her when we were talking about prayer requests. She said, "They did?" I said, "Yes, they wanted to know how you were doing." I think she was really surprised about that. But it made me feel good that my friends cared enough to ask and my friend was interested enough to ask about my group. Is it God, or what concerning how all this is coming together?

Called By Name

2008-03-18T19:07:00.000-07:00

I think it's a pretty special thing that Jesus chose to reveal himself to women first after his ressurection. Out of all the people in the world - His 12 disciples included - He chose women. Most importantly, Mary Magdalene. He could have chose Peter or even John. They had been singled out from amooung the 12 to witness countless other miracles and yet Jesus still chose a woman.

Tonight, I read my Bible Study group out of John chapter 20. It's the story of Jesus revealing himself to Mary. She went to the tomb early that morning, before daylight, to carry spices for the burial of her Savior. When she get there, the stone has been rolled away and there are two angels. They ask her why she is crying. She simply want to know what they have done with her Savior. She turns and sees a man that she thinks is the gardener. He asks her why she is weeping. She begs him that if he knows what happened to Jesus to tell her. Jesus simply says, "Mary."

My mom could get my attention real quick when she said my name a certain way when I was growing up. If she said, "Laura Renee", I knew I was in trouble. If she said it through clintched teeth, I knew I was REALLY in for it! But yet, all Jesus said was "Mary." Simple. Peaceful. Comforting. In that one name, Christ said it all. He said, "I know you weep for me, but there is no need for your tears. I am here. I am alive. Now, be my messenger and go tell others."

My point tonight was that when we earnestly and sincerely go looking for Christ, he will be found. He will call us, acknowledge us, and love us. He will call us by name. For He knows everything about us.

Invitation

2008-03-10T10:46:00.000-07:00

I invited my friend to our Bible Study group next week. She didn't say for sure whether or not she would come, but she told me thank you for letting her know. I told her that our group was praying for her and she said she appreciated it. Oh, how my heart breaks for her. But I am so proud of her for the decisions she's making to change her life and her situation.

I went back to the doctor today just knowing that she would think it was time to start weaning myself off the medication. I was wrong. She said as long as I wasn't wanting to kill somebody or myself, then I was fine. When I asked her when she thought I needed to begin coming off the medication, she told me the decision was up to me. I was shocked. I need time to think about that one. I had set myself up that my doctor would make that decision, but now that it's mine to make, I'm not so sure. I guess I have gotten use to the idea of being on medication. Looking back, it was such a hard decision to make in the beginning and now I can tell that it has helped me so much.

Falling Forward

2008-03-07T17:35:00.000-08:00

From Sandi Patty's new CD, "Falling Forward":

“When I’m frozen in my failure there’s a whisper, don’t forget
your redeemer somehow uses even what you most regret”

“I simply love the lyric,” Patty says, “because it affirms that God can take us wherever we are and move us forward to where He wants us to be. …There are days I take three steps forward and two steps back, when I’m farther down the road than I was before. I wish we could get there quicker…but someone said ‘life is a compass, not a stopwatch’ and part of the journey is learning that it’s not how fast we get somewhere, as long as we’re moving in the right direction.”

Thirst

2008-02-28T19:47:00.001-08:00

I am not quite sure, but I feel responsible for my friend. Not responsible in the sense that it's my fault, but responsible for helping her get past the drama. I feel like God has put this person in my life for a reason.

Listening to her talk, it can be so easy to get involved in the chaos of it all. Sometimes I want to yell at her and tell her how ridiculious she is and the next minute I want to give her a hug and tell her she's going to get through this. I want to scream, "You need to get your behind in church," but I'm not sure it's the right time for that. I feel like the best thing I can do is encourage her and let her know that she's making the right decisions by going to counseling and staying completely away from the men folk.

I continue to pray for words...for wisdom...for guidance. I keep thinking about the woman at the well that Jesus met and how he never condemned her but simply spoke to her. I can't very well tell my friend, "I can give you water that will never make you thirst again," but I can show her what that water looks like in hope that one day she truly never will thirst again.

My Friend

2008-02-27T20:01:00.000-08:00

My heart is heavy for a friend. Last Wednesday, she told me that she was having an affair with a married man. This didn't match up with the story she's been telling me all these months about her next door neighbor being her boyfriend. This particular friend is not even divorced. Are you keeping count? That means that there are three men involved. Not including the wife of the married man who is now involved when all this finally blew up last week. My friend's life is a complete mess! She has lied and tried to keep this charade going for far too long. The pressure finally got to her.

I'm not really sure why she decided to tell me all this. Was she feeling guilty? Did she just need to talk and for somebody to listen (and listen I did because I couldn't get a word in edge wise)? All I could do was just sit in shock. I wanted to shake her and say, "What were you thinking? You are the exact reason we married women can't keep our men!!" I wanted to rant and rave! I wanted to tell her just exactly what I thought. But the only thing that kept running through my head while she was talking away and spilling her guts was, "Laura, love the sinner. Hate the sin." My heart went out to her and I felt a sense of compassion.

I've prayed and poured myself out to God asking - begging - for wisdom of words to say to my friend. The opportunity came a few days later. As compassionaty as I could, I explained to her that I agreed with her that she had made a mistake; she had made a mess of things. And that I felt the opportunity to start over began when the whole affair (and drama) blew up. She truly sounded to me like she wanted to walk away....she felt bad about what she had done, the people she had hurt, and she wanted to get out of the situation altogether. She suggested going to couseling and I gave her the name of the best counselor I know.

I talked to my friend today. She sounds good. She went to counseling on Monday and has missed three days of work trying to clean up her apartment (from a ravaging rage by the boyfriend) as well as sort our her thoughts and feelings. I, on the other hand, continue to pray for the words to speak to her. I pray that my life will be an example of God's plan for the marriage relationship. I pray that my life will be an example of God's everlasting love for her.

Hannah Montana

2008-02-24T19:47:00.000-08:00

I am struggling with the whole "Hannah Montana" thing. Do I or do I not let Alise get on the HM banwagon? Her 4 year old little cousin watches her. Little girls Alise's age are beginning to get the HM Barbie dolls (the ones that have the button in the middle of her stomach and play a tune when pushed) and even the wig at the birthday parties we've been to recently. What's a mom to do? I did a little research on the internet and discovered that Miley Cyrus - along with her dad, Billy Ray ("Achey Breaky Heart") - and family are professed Christians. I'm not sure how old Miley is in real life (I think she plays about a 15 year old on TV) but she seems to be down to earth and doesn't live the crazy Hollywood lifestyle. I think her parents do a pretty good job of protecting her from that and they try to escape California when the show is not taping by going "home" to Franklin, Tennessee.

One Friday night (during hunting season), Alise and I were flipping through the channels. Hannah was on the Disney channel, so I decided to give it a chance and see what all the hoopla was about. Alise was half interested. She recognized her, but beyond that, she would probably have been much happier watching "The Little Mermaid." Before I knew it, things were getting a little too serious on the show with Hannah -or Miley - I can't keep the two egos straight - kissing her boyfriend. I got up and turned the channel. I was like, no way am I ready for my daughter to be watching stuff like that! Again, Alise hardly noticed.

A few weeks ago, Alise asked for a Hannah Montana t-shirt. Right out of the blue. I think she remembered that her cousin, Brooklyn, had gotten not one, but two of them for Christmas. And when she gave me the HM request, she specifically asked that the t-shirt be pink ("Pink's my favorite color"). So I ran to Wal-mart on my lunch break to buy a pink Hannah Montana t-shirt. It was only $7. But, last week, she asked for the $20 HM Barbie doll (I didn't buy it)!

See, I love the innocense that Alise has right now. All she knows is that the princess marries the prince and they live happily ever after. Is there anything truly wrong with that right now? Does she have to know - at such a young age - how cruel the world can truly be? Not that HM is cruel. Just that maybe that's a party of "growing up" that I'm just not ready for.

I was talking to someone about the HM epidemic a few weeks ago. She told me, "Watch out! You're three year old will be acting just like a 16 year old...attitude and all." Nope. Not ready for that.

So, I think for the time being, the Barbie dolls and wigs and t-shirts are okay. She doesn't understand. She's so much happier playing outside and watching "Cinderella" and "Mermaid." I think I'll keep it that way as long as I can and relish in Alise's sense of happily ever after.

Living Room

2008-02-10T17:42:00.000-08:00

I read these verses in Psalms during Bill's sermon this morning: "Your unfailing love, O Lord, is as vast as the heavens; your faithfulness reaches beyond the clouds. Your righteousness is like the mighty mountains, your justice like the ocean depths. You care for people and animals alike, O Lord. How precious is your unfailing love, O God! All humanity finds shelter in the shadow of your wings (Psalms 36:5-7)." I loved those verses! We've been talking in our Bible study group about prayer and praising God for His attributes. These two verses alone identify five of God's attributes: His unfailing love, His faithfulness, His righteousness, His justice, and His care. I love how the verse ends...reminding us that we can find shelter in Him. After all, that's the way God wants us...close to Him, in His prescence.

On my way to the grocery store this afternoon, I was listening to Mark Harris' new CD. Mark use to sing with the group "4 Him." I loved the chourus to his song, "Living Room." Here are the words to the chourus: "So come through the doorway/I've closed in the past/And tear down the walls of my pride/Open the windows and/push out the darkness by/Letting in Heaven's pure light/Banish the silence-open this tomb/Fill up my heart and/Make it Your Living Room." Talk about a renovation!

Prayer

2008-02-03T14:21:00.001-08:00

I've been trying to make a conscious effort to pray on my knees in the morning. Sometimes my intentions work out and other times, they don't. It all depends on when Alise wakes up. One morning last week, I had just gotten on my knees beside the bed and began praying when I heard Alise begin to stir in her room. Normally, I go straight to her room when I hear her, but I felt urged to continue to stay where I was and finish praying. A few minutes later, Alise came bounding into our bedroom with the bright light blinding her. She found me on my knees and my hands clasped together. When she was finally able to focus, she said, "Mommie praying?" I said, "Yes, baby. Mommie is saying her prayers this morning." She also noticed that I had in front of me, one of Beth Moore's scripture cards. She looked at it, but never questioned me about it. Later that night, I was putting Alise to bed. Forgetting what had happened that morning, I noticed that she went running into my bedroom instead of kneeling beside her bed like she normally does. When she finally did make it back to her room, I noticed that she was holding on of my Beth Moore cards (I usually keep them on my night stand). The moment touched my heart. Talk about an example to my daughter! Even though she couldn't read the card, I let her hold it while she said her prayers. Here is the verse she held in her hand: "I desire that these things will be remembered before You: my work produced by faith, my labor prompted by love, and my endurance inspired by hope in my Lord Jesus Christ" I Thessalonians 1:3 (personalized by Beth). What a blessing! The moment just made my soul burst with joy because that is my deepest prayer for her is that she will come to know and accept the Lord one day. Amid all the chaos, all the detours and disappointments in life, if I can just live to see that day, then I feel like one of purposes of my life will have been fulfilled.

Kenny

2008-01-27T20:07:00.000-08:00

Today was not a good day. I cried on the way to and during church. My heart is so heavy regarding the death of a friend, Kenny Maxey. Kenny and I went to school together from the first grade through high school. We graduated together in 1991, but we haven't seen one another in years. I didn't even know that Kenny still lived here in Monroe. I was going to go to the funeral home tonight, but I wasn't in the mood to see alot of people. I just couldn't pull myself together to see old friends or to see Kenny lying in a casket. I do plan to go to the funeral tomorrow at 2:00. I thought maybe I could go and mourn by myself. Kenny was a great friend. We weren't always close, but having gone through school together all our lives, there was a connection and I am dishearted that this is the first close classmate of mine to die. He was so smart and could have done so many wonderful things! I know I'll see him again one day.

This is the first day since the end of November that I've felt so low.

Jay Leno Quote

2008-01-25T21:04:00.000-08:00

"With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud
slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one
end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks,
are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of
Allegiance?" ----Jay Leno, comedian

Garth

2008-01-25T19:22:00.000-08:00

I had forgotten what a fan of Garth Brooks that I am. I just finished watching his live special from L.A. on CBS. It was a benefit concert to raise money for the wild fires in California.

The first GB song I ever heard was "The Dance." I was a summer intern at State Farm that summer of 1990. I had gotten stuck with a bunch of guys moving storage boxes to a new location off site. Actually, I was suppose to be entering/archiving the boxes in the computer, but for some reason, I ended up with the guys. They were SO cute!! Mr. Burtram was the one that had the Garth cassette (no CDs back then) and I remember that they use to turn the music up really loud and sing. I didn't know the words to the songs, because I didn't listen to country music back then. The next memory I have of a Garth song was in a little later in high school at the pep rallies. Our football players normally walked into the pep rallies to either "We Will Rock You" or "We are the Champions." One week, it happened to be, "Friends in Low Places" and the whole gym went nuts (at least the white kids did)!! My last high school memory, was in senior AP English class. Mrs. Hill - for some reason - mentioned Garth's song, "Unanswered Prayers" during some stupid lit book were were reading. Man, I wish I could remember what book that was!

Graduation came and so did college. Carrie was dating Mr. Wheeler and he absolutely LOVED Garth!! The year after we graduated, Carrie, David and me rode over to Marshall, Texas together to go to the football game and I had to listen to the two of them sing all those Garth songs all the way there! Ugh! By this time, Garth had become a mega star and was beginning to have weekly (or so it seemed) specials on TV. I distinctly remember a TV special sometime around Thanksgiving one year while I was in college. Again, I was with Carrie at another one of her boyfriend's apartment. The TV was on and there were tons of people there watching the special. It was like a "Survivor Party," only Garth was the sole survivor of his own TV show!!

Are those crazy memories or what? But honestly, those are the things that I think about when I think of Garth Brooks. And would you believe that Carrie now lives in the same town as he does?....Owasso, Oklahoma! Her girls go to the same school as Garth's girls. How wild is that?

So tonight, after the special, I got online and began reading about Garth's career and an idea struck me. I read that he had a hard time performing and still having a family life. He officially retired in 1999 and said that he would not begin touring again until after his youngest daughter - Allie - turned 18. That's year 2015! But what got me was what is it in a person that says, "Let me walk away. Let me take a break? My family is more important than the money!" And I am referring to Brittany Spears and all the other actors and performers who are obviously struggling to draw that same line. Here you have a man that has topped all other performers before him - he is only third from Elvis (2nd) and the Beatles (1st) for records sold, who has won countless awards, and surpassed every sales record known to man and yet he stops. He pauses. He walks away. He promises his fans that he will be back and I think that is why he has been able to keep his fan base. They haven't had to hear about all his shenanigans and mess ups. Garth's actions haven't been all over the tabloids because he decided that his family (girls) were more important. The man doesn't even live in Nashville! He is totally removed from all the Hollywood hoopla and instead performs concerts to benefit others in need. To that, I say, "Thank you, Mr. Brooks!! Thank you for providing us with near-wholesome (you have to excuse some lyrics in his songs, but at least you never hear the f-bomb in one of them!)entertainment and for living a life that is so opposite of this new generation. Thank you, that the worst thing that we have to look at on you is your graying peach-fuzz head and that's only when you choose to take your cowboy hat off! There are no nose rings, no tatoos (that I know of). We don't have to check to see if he's wearing his boxers!! We don't care! Why? Because Garth is an entertainer. And I truly believe that that is his heart's desire...to entertain his fans and live a quiet and happy life with his family. Who can argue with that? Who can blame the man for deciding to walk away? I am just so thankful to be reminded that there are performers out there that can live a good and descent life outside of People magazine!

Curve Balls

2008-01-24T19:42:00.000-08:00

Psalms 20:7 "Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the Lord our God."

Proverbs 4:20-27 "...Let your eyes look straight ahead, fix your gaze directly before you..."

I couldn't begin to tell you how many curve balls Satan threw my way today. From emails to meetings, to co-worker's attitudes and even being hung up on, I feel like I faced it all today. And what did I do? I laughed! I actually laughed! A few months ago, the first email I opened this morning would have been enough to send me over the edge and back to bed with sobs! I paused. I stopped. And then I told myself that I wasn't going to let this bother me. This afternoon, when I sat right beside a particuliar person with no pleasantries exchanged - or even acknowledgement made - I told myself, "Ya know what? My God is bigger than you are!" And I silently laughed again. I think maybe God is laughing with me, too! So that's what I did today. I kept my focus straight ahead. I fixed my gaze on the truth.

When I read these verses tonight, I thanked God that I was able to trust Him again. I remember when Dr. Sheppard told me that my faith was the only thing that could get me through the depression, I remember thinking that I didn't have any faith left. I couldn't trust. I could remember the promises I needed to cling to, but my heart was numb. I remember thinking that I can't feel anything, much less trust someone. But everyday, God is strengthening my faith and renewing my spirit. I am learning that my faith has so much more to do with what I believe than how I feel.

Mr. M

2008-01-20T20:31:00.000-08:00

Last week at church, Mr. M caught me in the hallway of the children's wing and told me that he woke up one morning the week before thinking about my husband. He said, "You know, the older your husband becomes, the more he is like his daddy was. He would just do anything for anybody and Wayne is that way and becoming more and more like his father." When Mr. M said those words to me, it brought tears to my eyes. I asked him if he would share that with Wayne himself and later, I found the two of them in the hall talking when I went to Alise's class to return the beeper.

I absolutely love when people compare Wayne to his dad. Mainly because it brings back so many (short) memories of a special loved one. Hollis was just a great Christian man in my eyes and so many people appreciated his kindness. He wasn't perfect, but he truly loved God and his family. I've said so many times before - and still wish - that he was still here with us. I, too, can see much of Hollis in Wayne. After all, they have the same name. But Wayne has such a great work ethic. He isn't lazy and he provides for me and Alise. He loves to hunt - something that he and his dad did together. He loves to eat, but his hands aren't quite as big as his daddy's (I don't think).

I am just very grateful that Hollis was a great example to his son. Wayne treats Alise and I like queens and we come first 99.9% of the time - outside of hunting season and work occasionally. He goes to church and I don't have to worry about where he is or what he's doing. He calls me to tell me he loves me and he also calls to ask "what's for supper" in the middle of the afternoon like his dad use to do to Ruth.

So right now - just like I did last week during my conversation with Mr. M - I'm falling in love with my husband again. And not just because it's my birthday!

Brighter Days

2008-01-14T18:14:00.000-08:00

I don’t really believe in New Year’s resolutions. I consider making one and think, “what’s the use? I won’t keep it anyway.” So, instead, I tell myself, “well, I’ll just try to do better this year than I did last year.” That just sounds better to me. No promises. No broken promises and no feeling guilty for not keeping those promises.

Having said that, I am thankful that my God keeps His promises. I am thankful that He doesn’t have the same nonchalant attitude that I have when it comes to knowing that I won’t always keep mine. He not only has the “better” plan for my life, but right now, I am resting in the fact that He has the “best” plan.

I can feel my spiritual life growing as I begin to open God’s love letter on a daily basis (mostly) once again. I’ve started using my read-through-the-Bible-in-a-year Bible and I don’t feel guilty about reading it in the bathtub (where I do most of my thinking) or right before bedtime. Once a day, I try to physically pray on my knees beside my bed. It is the most awesome experience. I feel the hand of God on my shoulder and not even Satan himself can touch me during those moments. My attitude about work has changed and for once in a long time, I can say that I am happy.

I remember a few years ago when I began to get disgruntled with Sunday School, I thought, “I’ve heard all these stories before. I’ve gone to church all my life and there is not a single story in the Bible that I don’t know about. There is nothing new to learn.” First of all, yes, you may identify that with pride. I whole-heartedly agree. But secondly, once you’ve heard and know the stories, it’s no longer about how much you know but how God speaks to you through those stories. And maybe that’s where my frustration was. God was no longer speaking.

I am no longer going to counseling. I feel as if I have come full circle. That chapter is over (Thank you, God!). I look back and I think, “Man, those were some dark days!” But I consider myself blessed to have gone and come through that experience. Oh, for the joy of brighter days!

Success

2008-01-06T18:01:00.000-08:00

Bill's sermon series for the new year is titled, "How to Succeed at Success" and his scripture verses are taken from Psalms 37. When I first saw the scripture verse on the screen today, I immediately thought of Shaun Alexander, the running back for the Seattle Seahawks and ex-standout at Alabama. I can't see "Psalms 37" and not think of him. After reading his book, it's no wonder that Shaun has had the success that he's had; He is truly a man of God.

But I went to church by myself. I was battling the whole issue of going and most of the time Wayne is the one that insists that He goes and I stay home, but today, it was the other way around. Besides, there was something inside of me that was willing me to go and not just to Sunday School but to church, too. I ended up sitting beside Patti, who is in my Bible study group, and her husband. Little did I know that what Bill was about to preach on was something that I needed to hear (again) and it was so appropriate with the turning of the new year and going back to work. His first point was about "making a wise choice" and he mentioned the "broad and narrow way." The point that struck home with me was about the narrow way being a hard road to take and that even though that's the path that God would have us take, it's not always easy. Boy, did I understand that! This past year was horrible as far as my career path and dreams and goals. And the depression was just the icing on the cake. It was the final straw. But I feel like the choices I made were the ones that pertained to that narrow road. The decision to stay in Monroe, the decision to seek help when I didn't know which way to turn...all those were choices made on that very narrow road and I am so grateful that was God's plan for my life.

He reminded me that God is more concerned about my character and my integrity than anything else. His second point was "don't envy wrongdoers." I have to admit that I've done just that. And it's not that I've 'envied" them...maybe just a strong dislike for those that I feel have caused part of my heartache. But I also know that they are the ones putting in the extra hours....missing times with their kids that are shifted from one household to the next because their marriage ended and maybe there was a third person. That's just too much drama for my life.

On the way home last night, I had a thought. When I was in high school, I was voted "Most Likely to Succeed." In that little album they give you when you graduate? You know the one that you write all about yourself in and what was going on in the world in that year and maybe you stuck other's graduation cards in the little slits? That one. Well, in there I had written something to the effect of that I would never get married or have children. That I was going to be a big time CPA for a corporation in Denver, Colorado. Drive a BMW, make X amount of money a year and wear the nice tailored suits and carry the brief case. That was my dream. Then, last night, it hit me. How much more blessed am I now than I ever thought I could be? I am married to a wonderful husband who I share a precious daughter with. I am a CPA and I do work for a corporation. My car costed - at the time we bought it - as much as a BMW was worth in 1991. I am making more money now than I wrote down in that book nearly 17 years ago. I have the brief case and the suits, but boy that case gets heavy and those pantyhose sure aren't any fun! Because I decided to live my life the way God had planned for me, my life has so much more meaning and value than I could ever think possible! So, in my mind, I am a success. I am more of a success than I ever thought possible. Those goals and dreams in 1991 just prove how naive and shallow I really was. Sometimes it's hard to learn to love the dreams that God has for us and probably most of the time, I've learned that the hard way. I've battled and wrestled with God; I've turned my back on Him in the past and done it my way, but the most important thing, was that I always came back. I always (and hopefully will continue) to come back to the one person who I know is true and has made me what I am and what I am becoming. The Way, the Truth, and the Life.

Bible Study

2007-12-28T07:49:00.001-08:00

I am so pumped about what God has laid on my heart to discuss at our next Bible Study group in January! As I was taking Alise to school this morning, my mind was racing with thoughts that God gave me. I went straight home and pulled out my Bible and started reading and writing. I prayed for wisdom and that God would speak through me next time we meet.

There are times when I wish our group was closer than we are, but it's hard when you only meet once a month. Everyone's schedule is so busy that it's hard to pencil in time just for ourselves to spend time together and with God. But in the time that we've been together, God has done some pretty amazing things in the area of our jobs. Four of us out of the seven have had changes either in our job or responsibility and all for the better. We've also gained a new memeber who I really like because she is so matter of fact. There isn't anything that I wouldn't do for these girls. And my number one prayer when we're together is that they take a little nugget of something that can encourage their walk with Christ. That's all that matters to me.

I Am

2007-12-27T18:15:00.001-08:00

Revelations 1:8 "I am the Alpha and the Omega - the begining and the end," says the Lord God, "I am the one who is, who always was, and who is still to come - the Almighty One."

Hannah Whitall Smith asks, "What does this "I am" include? I believe it includes everything the human heart longs for and needs. This unfinished name of God seems to me like a blank check signed by a rich friend given to us to be filled in with whatever sum we may desire. The whole Bible tells us what it means. Every attribute of God, every revelation of His character, every proof of His undying love, every declaration of His watchful care, every assertion of His purposes of tender mercy, every manifestation of His loving kindness - all are the fulling out of this unfinished "I am."

The Moon

2007-12-23T22:16:00.001-08:00

Did anyone notice the moon tonight? It was so bright and white. I asked my dad if it was a full moon and he said yes and that he had noticed a tiny star right beside it when he had gone outside earlier. I don't usually make it a habit of noticing the moon that much unless maybe my daughter is with me. She likes to point it out in the twilight sky on our way home at night. But for some reason, the white circle shown much brighter tonight and I thought it was so beautiful.

As I left my parent's driveway later and saw it's beauty again, the thought that came to mind was of last March when I drove in Atlanta traffic by myself. Even now, I'm not quite sure why that particular thought popped in my head. Do you want to know what I REALLY thought at that moment? I thought, "What kind of crack was I smokin' when I drove in Atlanta?" Now, to some, driving in a big city may not bother them, but I knew that my dad was worried sick about me back home and my mom told me later, "You don't know how many people were praying back home for you!". I've told the story and admitted that God literally carried me on that trip. I was wrapped and cared for in His hands by the shape of a Ford Tarus. All I had was my sunglasses, Mapquest directions to Rome, Georgia, and a bottle of water. But the thought about "what was I smokin'" was more in the sense of "who am I to think that I could do that in my own power" and I became completely humbled on the way home tonight. I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that God was with me on that trip, but tonight, I thought how in the world could I have ever done that on my own? And then I looked at the moon and realized that if God could create something so beautiful...a celestial star that could control the seasons and ebb and flow of the sea, what more could He do with me and my life? The moon looks so small from where we are, but it's role is so important. God's sovereignty is so important, too, and that's something else that I thought about. He rules. He is ruler of all creation because He is the Creator. Everything belongs to Him.

I like to refer back to that trip to Rome, Georgia, last March because it is a spiritual alter for me. I truly thought that when I left that Sunday morning on a plane to Atlanta, and with the circumstances of events that happened that day, that God was moving me and my family there. All roads pointed to Rome. To this day, I do not understand how abruptly things changed. And I was almost tempted - just now - to type "how God changed things" but yet, God doesn't change. God changed me. God changed my heart and thus began the journey....the journey of depression...the journey of finding myself again. It's ironic - I think - that I would go to the Christian bookstore the day before I left to go to Rome and buy Chonda Pierce's book, "Laughing in the Dark" which is more or less her own personal journey through depression. No special reason. I liked Chonda Pierce and so I thought I would buy her book. Little did I know that that was where it all began. I knew nothing about what God was about to do in my life.

The moon. Just a big round ball in the sky that comes out at night after the sun goes down. We've seen pictures of it. Man has walked on it. And most of the time, we don't even notice it. We don't notice it until God - in all His sovereignty - gives us a reason to notice and to remember.

God Revealed

2007-12-19T19:29:00.000-08:00

Luke 2:6-7, "And so it was, that, while they were there, the days were accomplished that she should be delivered. And she brought forth her firstborn son, and wrapped him in swaddling clothes, and laid him in a manger; because there was no room for them in the inn."

I just love this picture! Can you imagine these sweet baby feet being the Holy feet of God? Ten perfect little toes. Perfect, indeed. It amazes me that a great, magnificent God allowed Himself to be poured into a tiny babe. What a miracle! What love! What sacrifice!

Father, I thank you for the miracle birth of your son. And even though I will never be able to comprehend the "how" from this side of Heaven, I choose to believe that you sent your son; that he was born of the virgin Mary and that he later died for my sins. I thank you for the love and perfection that was poured in to that little baby that night when there was no room for you to lay your head. I pray for the wisdom to always have room for you in my heart and in my life.

Mammogram

2007-12-12T20:11:00.000-08:00

I have to have a mammogram!! I nearly fell off the exam table when Dr. Sheppard gave me the news at 5:30 tonight!! Yes, you read right! It was completely dark when I walked out of the Women's Clinic tonight at 6:00! My appointment was at 2:30 this afternoon. I heard alot of the patients grumbling about the wait, but I wanted to say that after you've had Dr. Sheppard holding your hand during your entire pregnancy and then help you push your tiny one into the world, you'll wait all day to see her! I feel that strongly about my doctor! She's the best!!

Anyway, back to the mammogram. We were talking...she was reading my chart and all of a sudden, I heard her say, "We're going to get you ready for a mammogram, too." I was like, "What? What did you just say?" "A mammogram!" I said, "Dr. Sheppard, I'm not old enough for a mammogram!" She said, "Laura, I'm only two months older than you and I've already had mine. You can do it! Com'on!" I didn't know whether I wanted to cry or laugh! Dr. Sheppard laughed. She said she normally recommends her patients get their first mammogram at 35 because that way she has a "base line." She thought the whole conversation was hilarious and I was more in shock than anything. I definitly wasn't expecting THAT today at my annual visit! One thing she did tell me was that she was worried about me after my last visit. I don't know if I mentioned it earlier in a blog, but I went to see Dr. Sheppard in October on advice from my boss. I poured my heart out to her. She told me today, "Laura, I'm going to be honest with you. I was really worried about you the last time I saw you. I was very concerned. But you look great today. When I saw you in the hall about a month ago at the hospital, I thought, "Oh, she's doing good. She looks good." And seeing you today makes me feel good that you're okay and you're beating this thing!" Now, that is coming from a doctor that lost twins at 23 weeks this year. I feel like my depression troubles are nothing compared to her situation, but she told me tonight, "I just keep trusting that God's got something bigger and better in store for me and I just keep thinking that it's going to be worth the wait." Wow! What a survivor!

Tonight, I drove home, still in shock. The whole situation was so funny that I began to laugh....laugh out loud, that is. And then I thought about the verse in Philippians 4:6, "...but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God." The "with thanksgiving" part is what stuck in my head. So what did I do? I started thanking God right there in the car for everything and anything that related to boobs! I said, "Thank you, God, first of all, for my boobs. Thank you for a great boob doctor. Thanks, God, for all the boob machines and equipment (aka "technology"). Thank you, God, for the boob doctors that will read my results and thank you for the boob nurses (clarified later) that will help me through this rather embarrassing ordeal. Thank you, God, for boob laughter. I just knew that me and God were laughing together! So I called my friend, Leigh, who is a mammo tech (not a nurse. Techs do the mammograms...shows you how much I know about the clinical side of healthcare. Just give me a ten-key, please!) and cried in the phone, "Leigh!!! I've got to have a mammogram!!!" She called me later and we laughed about it. She said she would "fix me right up" and "not pinch me." She said that I "had connections!" We laughed again.

What a great day! Who in their right mind would have ever thought that I would be laughing about a mammogram!!?? And of all things to be laughing about after coming out of the darkness these past few months? God has been so good these last few months to place two special women in my life to remind me about the special gift we have called life. Sharon and Dr. Sheppard have encouraged me so much! I've left both of those women feeling like I was on top of my game again with God. And it is the best feeling in the world, knowing that you are walking closely with Him!

Conscious Choices

2007-12-03T20:07:00.000-08:00

I recently bought the new Beth Moore “Whispers of Hope” daily planner. It is filled with monthly and weekly calendars and each week there is a new Bible reading and devotion from Beth. I’m hoping it will bring a little organization and calmness to my life. Would you believe the first devotional was about organization and creativity? Here is a quote from that devotion: “What God is doing in your life right now may not make sense to you…It’s because He’s creative. God wants us to surrender to His will, but we tend to want a blueprint of His plans so we can decide whether or not to surrender. In His wisdom, God knew the work [first three days of creation] was good because He knew what was coming next. He knows what’s coming next for you. That’s why He can judge His work in you as good.” Those few sentences described me to a T! It’s so hard to imagine that God has got something even better planned for my life.

When I think back to this day a week ago, it is so amazing at how quickly circumstances and situations (emotions) can change. Last Monday was just awful with the dream and yet no sleep and all the other hoopla that went along with it. And yet today has been such a blessing! Today has been a day of great triumph for me personally. This morning I talked to my old friend and boss who has relocated to Fort Lauderdale, Florida. It was with the most awesome peace that I was able to turn down her job offer for the Controller position there. I have no second thoughts. Sharon Evans was so right when she said that God will give you what you need when you need it. Each and every day, I am making a conscious choice to trust and believe that God has got something way better planned for my life. I say a “conscious” effort, because there are days when I really don’t want to believe it and yet by the strength of God’s grace, I do. It is truly a remarkable feeling to know – beyond a shadow of a doubt – that you are living in the will of God and resting in his promises for tomorrow.

Thank you, God, for every blessing, every heart ache, every tear, and every promise. Thank you for the Grace to hold on even when I feel like all hope is gone. Thank you for your Son, in whom I place my trust.

Discipline

2007-11-29T21:43:00.000-08:00

"My child, don't make light of the Lord's discipline, and don't give up when he corrects you. For the Lord disciplines those he loves, and he punishes each one he accepts as his child." ---Hebrews 12:5-6

"...our goal should be to ensure that our reflection of God draws our children closer to Him - and that it makes them long to touch the real thing..." ---Lisa Whelchel, Facts of Life actress

I have said before that I do not believe that the struggles I have faced over the last six months have been judgement from the Lord for sin in my life. I have prayed about this and I have a peace within my heart about that. However, after reading these verses tonight, I have a new concept of discipline and how it works. I believe that God uses discipline in our lives, not only as a form of consequences for our sin, but as a tool to make us more like His son. Which is exactly what I feel like He is doing in my life. These verses encouraged me tonight to keep going. And what a great reminder of His love in the same sentence! It is so hard and there have been times when I have wanted to just throw in the towel, but something kept me going. And I think it was the verse in Romans 8:37-38 that says that nothing can seperate us from the love of God. Sharon Evans said that she use to insert "not even a brain injury can seperate us from the love of God." I would have to add, "not even depression can seperate me from the love of God." How encouraging is that?

November Bible Study

2007-11-28T18:12:00.000-08:00

I told my counselor on Monday that I was planning a special Bible study meeting on Tuesday…that we were having a guest speaker that is dear to my heart...that I was so worried about how I was going to introduce her to the group and that I had to remember to pick up the sandwich tray. She reminded me that Satan knows my weaknesses and also made the comment that maybe through the dream and set back that day, he was trying to take my focus off my plans for the Lord because God was getting ready to do something extra special on Tuesday night. Sometimes I think I under estimate the power Satan can have over my life. The Bible says that he is like a roaring lion and that he is out to destroy me. I admit that I am not always aware of Satan’s traps and sometimes I might brush off situations and circumstances because “that’s just the way the world is” or just not really being cognizant of Satan’s schemes. But didn’t Christ tell us to be “in the world” but “not of the world”? And I realized that I needed to be more on my toes about this lion that wants nothing more than to see me fail. My strength was renewed and I was determined that I was not going to let depression get the best of me, that I was going to continue fighting Alise over the whole potty training thing and that I was going to do the best job that I could at work. All for the Glory of God.

Last night, God did do something pretty special at Bible Study. I admit that I was a little anxious about the attendance since our group only includes seven girls, but after Lisa made that comment on Monday, I finally just gave it over to the Lord and said, “Ya know what, God? You make it happen. It’s not about me or what I want, but about what you want.” So don’t find it hard to believe that we had seven girls there – including the guest speaker. Only one friend wasn’t able to make it. It was the most “real” experience I’ve had with my Bible study buddies in a long time! We laughed, we cried, and we listened to Sharon as she told us the story about Jared’s accident and the things that she learned through the experience. My favorite part of the whole night was the scripture verses that Sharon had us read. She had a particular story or reason those five verses meant so much to her. She made the comment regarding the peace God gave her at the hospital when Jared was brought in and she said that God is so good to give us exactly what we need when we need it. After I got home, I was so excited that I couldn’t sleep (again! But no more dreams this time!). I was so energized! Hearing Sharon’s story about her faith walk just inspired me to try and do so much better than what I am already doing. I made the comment when I introduced her that I was not surprised be her inspirational emails that began circulating after Jared’s wreck because I knew who she walked with every day. God truly is so good!

A Set Back

2007-11-26T18:09:00.000-08:00

My day ended last night with me reading my Bible. I was praying about our upcoming Bible Study and thinking about what I could say to introduce our guest speaker to our group. I finally turned the lamp off around 11:30, but I was still wide awake at 1:00. I think I dozed for maybe three hours and I had cold sweats. Alise woke up at 4:00 needing to go potty so I woke up again. The alarm finally went off, I got a shower, began putting my makeup on and that's when it hit me. I began crying hysterically; I couldn't even put my eyeliner or mascara on because of the tears. I felt like I had back sliden to the point where I was four months ago and I couldn't understand why it seemed that I falling apart again.

I managed to pull myself together long enough to get Alise dressed and to school. The minute I got back in the car, I began crying again. I made it to work, opened up my email and just lost it. I went to my boss's office and told her that I needed to leave, that I just wasn't going to be able to make it through the day. She hugged me and told me to do whatever I needed to do.

I came home and went straight to bed. My head was killing me and all I wanted to do was bury myself deeper and deeper under the covers. I ended up calling my counselor and was able to meet with her this afternoon. After we talked, I was able to trace back my emotions to a dream I had last night. I really didn't think much about the dream, but apparently it sparked my emotions and the depression all over again. My counselor told me that what I experienced today was similiar to what a person who has lossed a love one goes through. Maybe a place or person will bring back all the emotions of the loss. Mine just happened to be a dream (Sorry, but I feel like Joseph here!). She told me that I wasn't crazy (I felt like I was going crazy again), but that I was having a set back and anyone who is trying to go through a loss experiences these "episodes" from time to time. My counselor also told me that Satan knows my weaknesses and knows that I have a big Bible Study planned this week and that he would do anything to discourage my work for God. I told her that I was sick and tired of Satan and that I wished he would just go pick on somebody else for while. She laughed. I smiled for the first time today.

I am better now. My head still aches, but I am holding my head up again. I am thankful that I have a boss who understands and told me to do whatever I needed to do. The difference with this meltdown compared to the all the previous ones is that I felt myself holding on to God. I didn't understand what was happening, but this time the lines of communication were open and I did a whole lot of praying and it's amazing the verses from the Bible that came to mind.

I've been reading in Philippians how we are not to worry about anything, but to pray in all things - with thanksgiving. So tonight, I thanked God for my circumstances and I put my trust in Him even when I don't understand the big picture.

If You Only Knew

2007-11-23T19:32:00.000-08:00

"So God has given both His promise and His oath. These two things are unchangeable because it is impossible for God to lie. Therefore, we who have fled to Him for refuge can have great confidence as we hold to the hope that lies before us. This hope is a strong and trustworthy anchor for our souls. It leads us through the curtain into God's inner sanctuary. ---Hebrews 6:18-19

I think believers are truly the most blessed people. Why? Because even though we may be facing the worst storms of life, we still have that tiny, itty, bitty reminder in the back of our minds that this world is not our home. No matter whether or not we want to claim that truth during our storm (because sometimes - even as Christians - we don't want to believe the Word that we've heard all our lives), we have a promise of something better. God made us for the eternal, not the temperal. It is that reminder..that hope...that keeps us going even we we don't feel like it.

During my months of depression, I can honestly say that I never wanted to take my life. My symptoms were more "desperation". But during that time, even though there were days that I didn't want to believe it (refused to believe it), I knew that my hope rested in Christ alone. That truth was revealed to me one Friday at an appointment with my gynecologist. I fully expected her to suggest I have my blood tested for "craziness" and even (gulp!) pre-menopause. But what she said to me was the total opposite. She never suggested tests. She said, "Laura, you know that your Faith is the only thing that is going to get you through this." There it was. The strong and trustworthy anchor. And gradually, each day after that, God began to reveal Himself to me in simple ways. Mostly through reminders of scriptures from the Bible. My hope became stronger.

When I think of the hope I have in Christ, I think of the loved ones that have died and are now enjoying the joys of Heaven. My thoughts are based on what I've "lost" because I can remember what life was like with them here. But, thank goodness, God's thoughts are not my thoughts and when He mentions hope, he refers to the "gain" we'll receive. Isn't it just like Him to be so optimistic and uplifting? Christ knows the joys that will one day come with the hope we have in Him. I like to think of it as "something a little extra." Our minds cannot conceive the treasure our hope truly is, but God says, "If you only knew..."

Thank You, God

2007-11-20T21:24:00.000-08:00

"In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you." --1 Thessalonians 5:18

Sometimes it is so hard to be thankful. When tender moments that have previously been filtered through the fingertips of God become unfortunate circumstances and seasons of desperation in our lives, it's hard to say, "Thank you, God." And sometimes we have to go through those storms in order to finally get to the point where we can gratefully say, "Thank you, God." I am so glad that my God looks at the heart of me and not just my emotional state. How fictious it would be to have said, "thank you" during my period of loss this summer. My empty words would not have reflected my heart. And my Father knew all this because he created me the way that I am. How much more fulfilling and exhilerating it is to look back, remember the hurt, to remember the pain and in all truthfulness and joy, exclaim, "Thank you, God. Thank you for the journey. Thank you for pain. Thank you for the lesson. Thank you for making me more like your Son. Amen."

Okay

2007-11-05T13:11:00.000-08:00

My dad asked me last night how I was doing and for the first time in a long time, I heard myself say, “I’m doing fine. I’m really okay.” I never thought those words would come out of my mouth again. What was so strange was that I actually meant it. I actually feel good.

Bill mentioned in one of his sermons a few months back that medications for stress and depression were the number one medicines that doctors prescribe these days. He named about three anti-depressants and then drove the point home by saying (more or less) that all stressed people really need is the Bible. Ever since I heard that, I have doubted whether or not I truly need to be on medication and I even felt guilty for taking it. I’ve thought that if my faith was strong enough, I shouldn’t need it. But even I knew that my faith and walk with Christ wasn’t what it use to be. I was ignoring Him. But I also felt like I was in control enough to handle the situation. I shared these thoughts with my counselor last week and she quickly disagreed with me. She told me, first of all, that God created me just the way that I am; there is not a single person on this planet that has the same identical physical features that I do; nobody has the same genetic makeup that I do; no one has the same personality, habits or quirks that I do…at least not all these things in one body, but you know what I mean. So when a person experiences a loss (she keeps calling it this and I am so glad to be able to put a name with “it”), the chemical makeup in the brain changes. The medication helps ease the serotonin, and whatever else those chemicals are called, back to the levels they need to be in order for the physical body to function again. In other words, the whole depression thing is out of my control! God made me that way! And what’s even more intriguing is that He knew all of this was going to happen anyway! He knew about the chemical part because He made me. He knew that I would need help getting those chemicals in my brain back in line and He knew all about how the situation would unfold so that I could get the medicine I needed for those chemicals in my brain. I can honestly say, “Thank God for drugs!! (legal kind, of course!) Wow! I can’t tell you what a relief it was to finally have that guilt and worry off me! Looking back, I would like to think that what Bill actually meant my the statement he made was: 1) stressed/depressed people who don’t know Christ need to read the Bible and not try to cover up the situation with prescription drugs, 2) stressed/depressed people who aren’t walking with the Lord as they should need to read the Bible, and 3) stressed/depressed people who have really experienced something in their lives should seek help from a physician. Those explanations are a lot easier to swallow than my first impression of, “You shouldn’t need anti-depressants. The Bible is all you need.” I’ve been tempted to ask him myself, but I am too chicken to do it. That’s all I need is for my pastor to know I’m on drugs!

I tried to think of a story in the Bible when someone was sick and needed medicine. I thought about in the Old Testament, that most of the time when a person was healed, it reads, “God healed him” or God “opened her womb.” In the New Testament, most of the time, the sick people came to Jesus or a friend or family member brought the sick person to Him. I would like to think that the friends of long ago are the medicines we find today. They are the cure-all that helps us find the Great Physician.

Home Again

2007-10-26T21:15:00.000-07:00

It was almost like it wasn't in God's plans for me to meet with Him this week. My meeting day ended up being Thursday instead of Monday. My first try was to go to the prayer room at our church. I've been there before, but for some reason, I couldn't remember the code this time and none of the church secretaries knew it either. So, next, I decided to go home, but the maid was still there, so I just turned around in the neighbor's drive way. As I was pulling out of the neighborhood, I thought about our local library and that's where God and I finally had our little talk.

As I sat in the chair at the back of the library, all I could do was just sit. I honestly didn't know where to begin. After a few moments, I decided to start with my life verse in Jeremiah 29:11, "For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope." For the first time in a long time, I could finally believe that verse again. I could reach out, grab it, and hang on to that truth and promise. I thanked God for the plans He had for my life, all the past, present, and future plans and I prayed that He would help me learn to love those plans even when my life felt lost and out of control. I prayed for contentedness (is that even a word?) in my current station in life and to rejoice and find my happiness in my family and friends.

And then I decided to back up to verse 10: "..."You will be in Babylon for seventy years. But then I will come and do for you all the good things I have promised, and I will bring you home again." This was when the tears began to flow. Home. Where was home? I had lost my way. I had been in Babylon, in bondage, all these months because of my own personal dissatisfaction with my job. I had allowed this bondage to seep into every part of my being until it began to take a physical, emotional, and spiritual toll on my body, my life, and my relationships. I thought about this for a long time and then I did the only thing I knew I could do, and that was to repent.

A few months ago, when I was in the very middle of all this turmoil, my best friend showed me verses 12 & 13, "In those days when you pray, I will listen. If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me." Back then, I read them, but I couldn't claim them as truth. I didn't want to believe it; I didn't want to pray; and I wasn't interested in looking for God at the time. But when I read those verses on Thursday, it was if God Himself was speaking to me. "Talk to me, Laura, and I will listen. Look for me with your heart - not your feelings - and you will find me."

And then, verse 14, "I will be found by you...I will end your captivity...and I will bring you home again..." Three times in that verse, God says, "I will." For the first time, I realized that none of the events that have taken place over the past two years had anything to do with me; they were filtered through the fingertips of God FOR me. To save me from myself! I found God, that day in the Christian bookstore, when I opened the Bible and saw, "The Lord hears His people when they call to Him for help. He rescues them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to the broken-hearted.” It was the first day that I actually began looking for Him again. My captivity ended Thursday when God reminded me that I will never find true happiness this side of Heaven. My job won't make my happy, my husband and daughter won't make me happy, my friends won't make me happy....my happiness comes from Christ Alone and this is the piece that I began missing - the piece that eventually began fading - two years ago. Now, I certainly still have a way to go. Lots of improvement and changes need to occur, but I knew that I had finally found the missing piece.

Home. Full circle. Definitly not on the mountain top, but certainly no longer in the valley. Bon Jovi has a new song out entitled, "Who Says You Can't Go Back Home" and a few lines in the song are: "I was looking for something you can't replace/I was running away from the only thing I've ever known." When you've been a believer for a while and you've been raised in church and preached to all your life, the Bible, Jesus' love, and God are the only things you've ever known. And I was looking for satisfaction, joy, and fulfillment in something other than the only thing I've ever known. Home is where our life story begins. Home is where God continues His miraculous work in our lives to make us more like Him. You can always go back to God. You can always go home again.

Better than any Beauty Treatment

2007-10-19T20:41:00.000-07:00

Hunter Tylo told People magazine that she relied on the power of prayer for strength. "If I'm having a rough day," she said, "I remember this psalm that says, 'Revive me, O Lord.' It really helps. It's better than any beauty treatment."

For Blank

2007-10-18T19:31:00.000-07:00

I am going to admit something that I have never told anyone before. Actually, I had forgotten about it until it came to mind a few months ago and I distinctly remembered the moment. It was one morning before work. For some unknown reason, Alise was still asleep (which is very unusual for her). I had this urge to kneel beside my bed and pray. And I had this burning desire to pray, “Lord, humble me.” Oh, my goodness. It brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it. Little did I know at that time that God was preparing my heart for what He was about to do in my life. Soon after that morning, the road of my life began to lead from the mountain top to the valley and I suddenly found myself alone, scared, and rock-bottom. Disappointment, anger, and despair with work set in. The every day frustrations of trying to manage a family and a two year old daughter with what I felt at the time was minimal help and support became complete chaos and I got on the rollercoaster called emotions. I was high; I was low and I felt like I was being pulled by someone in all directions. It took a while for me to see my doctor because I really wanted to believe that I was okay. I was in control. I could beat this little emotional snap and eventually move on with life. But then I begin to see the strain it was putting on me with Alise. There was one day that I was discipling her for something and I spanked her with the wooden spoon. But something inside of me just wanted to keep spanking her again and again. Of course, I did not do this, but the thought scared me to death and I knew then that something just wasn’t right. The hardest part was telling my parents that I was on anti-depressants and going to a counselor. I just knew that my parents would be so disappointed in me. And then, just last week, while my mom and I were on our way to Canton, she told me that she thought I may have inherited some of my depression because my Grandmother may have suffered from it a little. I wanted to scream, “Finally!!” It’s not just me. I really am okay. I’m not going crazy or psycho! (notice how these are the drugs talking now!) And I don’t have to feel guilty about taking medication. For the first time in a very long time, I feel like it's okay to not be in control.

While all of this was going on, I kept wondering what in the world had I done to deserve this? What sin did I have in my life? But as I said before, God was silent. I got no lightening bolts; there were no answers. As honestly as I can say, I don't believe I was "paying" for the consequences of outright sin in my life. I truly believe that God was in (and still is) in the business of making me more like Him. And yet, I wonder, why use my emotional state? Why use something like depression? Pride is a serious thing and I believe it was because it was the only way God could get my attention to the severity of my problem. I had to hit rock bottom. I had to be broken. I had to lay face down in the valley. I had to start over.

I still have a way to go. God and I are finally on speaking terms again, but our relationship is still strained. I find myself turning to His word once again and saying short prayers like "thank you God for blank." Period. I will admit that I haven't whole-heartedly repented; I just discovered His truth this week and I need time for it to sink in. But for those of you that want to rush the repentance process, God and I have an appointment this coming Monday. I have the whole day to lay myself upon the alter of sacrifice. To repent. To say, "thank you God, for blank."

Children of Hope

2007-10-14T15:22:00.000-07:00

I was reminded this morning of my own short-sightedness and the blessing of a Father's everlasting love. Our church sponsored the "Children of Hope" this morning during our regular worship time. The group is made up of about fifteen children from ages of about 4 to 10, that come from foreign countries such as Uganda, Africa, and Asia. They sing wonderful praise and worship music, some of it in their own language (the words were on the big screen, so we knew what they were saying). They are all orphans that have lost their parents to AIDS, war, or some other tragic event. As I strained to understand what they were saying, because some of the children had a strong dialect, I finally understood what "Jesus loves the little children of the world" meant. What it must be like to not be able to see gender, race, or ethicnity. But that is exactly how God sees us. We are all equal and precious in His sight! Since I have had Alise, my heart has softened to children who have lost their parents, been orphaned, or simply been abused our abandoned. Oh, how God's heart must grieve at the world's harsh affects on His precious children. Sometimes it's easy to ask how could a loving God allow such horrible things to happen to His children? How could He allow a small Africian boy witness the brutal murder of his own father? But that's just it. Because of His wonderful and never ending love, God saved us from ourselves. Not from the harshness of the world, but from the destructive behavior that drives our actions and motives. "Let the little children come unto me," Jesus said. Now picture a child of every gender, race, and ethnic group sitting at the feet of the Savior. That is what's precious in His sight.

Time

2007-10-01T18:22:00.000-07:00

Now I wish I had done a better job with my “journaling medicine.” Maybe a spoonful of sugar would have helped. It’s been hanging there like a dark cloud above my head…something else to do. Should I or shouldn’t I? Do I really need to? Today I decided that I could.

I don’t know how else to describe it. It’s like sitting in your favorite restaurant, not really caring that you’re there, staring at the menu and just not being able to make a simple decision about what to order. It’s like staring at your computer at work and just bursting in to tears for no apparent reason at all. It’s like just wanting to sleep all the time and just wishing the world would go away. But yet, somehow, someway, you find that inner strength that you just knew you didn’t have anymore, to get up, pull yourself together for the sake of your child and husband and head off to the shower to let the water mix with the tears of failure, defeat, and utter despair. It’s hiding the tears with makeup and a new hair style to cover the brokenness inside. After all, the show must go on. It’s called: rock bottom and nobody knows you’ve hit it but you.

The first time I knew that something was wrong was when a friend at work told me, “Laura, something is wrong with you. You’re just not yourself. Maybe you should go to a doctor.” She upset me so much, that I ran out of her office and said, “I don’t want to hear it!” For the next several months, my emotions were like a roller coaster, literally. I was up – way up – and then something would happen at work, shatter my world, and I would come down – way down. The second time that I knew something was very wrong was when I missed a day of work simply because I couldn’t get out of the bed. I didn’t even call in. I just didn’t show up (not like me at all!). That was the day I wanted to run away and never come back. I couldn’t concentrate at work and most days I spent it crying into my keyboard. Eventually, I went back to my friend’s office and said, “I think something is wrong with me. I’m just not myself.” She smiled at me and asked, “Do you want me to make the call?”

That day seems like ages ago. There have been plenty of doctor’s appointments, medication and counseling. All of this has taken place over a period of about six months and, for the first time in a long time, I can say that today I finally feel like myself again. But that is just for today. Only one person knows what tomorrow will be like.

I wish I could say that I have been a strong Christian through this season in my life. We hear it preached to us all the time about how we’re suppose to draw from our faith and trust God during trials like these. Sometimes, that’s easier said than done. I simply didn’t have the desire or the will to do that. I just wanted to be left alone. I didn’t want to think about Bible verses and I certainly didn’t feel like God was carrying me. If I felt anything, it was desertion. All I still want to know is, “why?” I may be crazy, but not crazy enough to think that the answer to that question will come on this side of Heaven.

The neatest thing that I have learned about God so far through all this is that He is a very patient God. One of best blessings He gave me was time. Time to cry, scream, kick, yell and cry some more. Time to tell Him, “I’m mad at you! Why did you do this to me? How could you?” I never once heard from Him during that period of nearly two months. I got no replies; no condemnation; no reassurances or answers to my outbursts. Nothing, but silence. I became like a worn-out two year old throwing a tantrum. Eventually, I chose the silent treatment, too. And when everything was quiet, it was then that I heard the knock on the door of my heart and the gentle whisper that said, “Laura, it’s time. It’s time to move on from this place.”

Grownups Only Cry when They're Alone

2007-09-30T19:47:00.000-07:00

"Often our feelings lie beneath the surface,
Hidden by the smiles we wear upon our faces;
emotions are concealed,
we bear our sorrows on our own,
Grownups only cry when they're alone."

---Noel Richards, quoted by Sheila Walsh

Mountains & Valleys

2007-09-22T19:51:00.000-07:00

My Mom sent me this picture along with some others in an email titled, "When God Colors." I am persuaded that God does allow His children to go through peaks and valleys. Why else would He create something so beautiful?

Broken-Hearted

2007-09-18T18:50:00.000-07:00

You’ll never believe what I did today! I bought myself a new Bible. I know I’ve got a thousand Bibles, but my favorite one, my study Bible, is tearing up and the new turquoise and brown Bible caught my eye when I was in Lifeway at lunch. I knew I had to get it when I opened the Bible up and the page it fell open to had this verse highlighted in the margin: “The Lord hears His people when they call to Him for help. He rescues them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to the broken-hearted.” What a gift! I began crying right there in the store. I finally had a word for what I was feeling: broken-hearted.

Actually, it's even a miracle that I went to Lifeway today. I had emailed my mother about my doctor's appointment yesterday and she suggested I get a book from our church library on this particuliar subject. Instead of the church library, I thought about the Christian bookstore and went there in search of a particuliar book. It just so happened that I found myself on the Bible aisle and then found this particuliar Bible with that particuliar verse. I believe it was God reaching out to me.

And then, when I was sitting in the Sonic drive-thru line, I heard these lyrics from the Desperation Band on the radio: "I need you Jesus/Come to my rescue/Where else can I go?" How else can you describe "broken-hearted"?

A Sliver of Hope

2007-09-16T19:05:00.000-07:00

Sometimes the best thing about church, is that even when you may not want to be found, God finds you. I couldn't concentrate on Bill's sermon today. For the first time in a long while, I had a desire to open my Bible. I wanted to try to find a verse that described how I've been feeling these past few months. My mind turned to David. After all, he was "a man after God's own heart." Did he ever suffer like I am? I know he was stressed from constantly being on the run from Saul, but were there days that he just wanted to run into a cave and let the world go by? I began reading in Psalms, but it seemed like every chapter I came to spoke of "Praising God" and my heart just couldn't do that. And then I found Psalms 22:1-2: "My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?/Why are you so far from helping me/and from the words of my groaning?/O My God, I cry in the daytime, but You do not hear,/and in the night season, and am not silent." It almost seems sacreligious to quote that verse after the One who died on the Cross and uttered those same words. But now, as I write these words, it hits me that I am not alone. Even Christ felt abandoned by His Father. How much worse was His affliction than mine? Mine seems so minute against the backdrop of the Cross. And yet, it's still there. All the confusion, disappointment, dispair, saddness and anger are still there. Even David asked, "why?" And now, I think about the plan that God had for his life...to make him King of Israel.

Maybe today was a gift. For the first time in a long time, I feel that I have just a sliver of hope.

Sitting In the Valley

2007-09-14T20:29:00.000-07:00

My counselor says that I sound like a person who has suffered a divorce. She says that I have suffered a loss and that no matter how much I want things to be the way they use to be, they never will be again. She said that I am going through the same emotions as if there had been a close death in my life. The only good news is that when I re-took "the test," my numbers were lower than three weeks ago. I owe it all to medication, which is the only "gift" I've received so far.

The great thing about Christian counselors is that they don't use a lot of "philosophical" stuff on you and always try to lead you back to "the truth," which is God's word, His plans, and His ways. The fact is, I'm mad at God right now and although I feel like I'm treading on thin ice, I blantantly admit it. All I want to know right now is "why?" If I just knew the reason, I feel I could cope. I could get through this, if only I knew "why?" And, yet, maybe God has been good to me after all. He has given me time. Time to cry, time to rant and rave and act completely crazy (or so it seems), time to sink to the very bottom, time to be humbled. And right now, I hear the gentle knock at my heart's door, but I refuse to open it. I am being defiant and I know this. He's saying, "Laura, it's time. It's time to move forward. It's time to pick up and move on." But I choose to sit, still, in the valley. I still cry sometimes, like now, but my head is no longer face down. I'm sitting. I'm holding my head up, but I don't see anything but anger. Will I ever be able to stand again? Will I ever see the mountains again?

In the Valley

2007-09-06T19:31:00.000-07:00

This week, someone sent me an email that quoted Rick Warren, author of "A Purpose Driven Life," as saying that he no longer believes that God allows good things and bad things to happen to people as "mountain tops and valleys," but rather simultaneously, occurring at the same time, "like a railroad track." I'm not sure I believe this. Everyone has good days and bad days....highs and lows...times of joy and happiness...and times of disappointment and despair. I can only remember two other times in my life of feeling that complete sense of loss...loss of control and sorrow and pain. The first time was when I turned 30. God gave me, 2 Corinthians 4:16, "For which cause we faint not; but though our outward man perish, yet the inward man is renewed day by day." The second time was after my first pregnancy which was diagnosed as a tubal pregnancy. God gave me the song, "Even in the Valley, God is good/Even in the valley, He is faithful and true/He carries His children through like He said He would/Even in the valley God is good." Here I am again...only this time, there is a diagnosis. And it didn't come from God. It came from a doctor and eventually a counselor. It's not life-threatening, but it is serious, and something that I do not wish to discuss openly. My counselor suggested that I begin writing again because it is a form of therapy. Unfortunatly, it looks as though God has chosen to take away this time instead of give. There is no soothing salve to cover the pain and despair this time. For some reason, over the last few weeks, the only thing that I can think about is the movie "Sisters of the Ya-Ya whatever" and the only thing that gives me comfort is knowing that the character who played Sandra Bulluck's mom did come home and she was wild and crazy as ever and she ended up being fine. I'll be fine one day, too, but right now, I am laying face down, crying in the valley.

"How Could I Ask for More" by Cindy Morgan

2007-09-05T19:00:00.001-07:00

This song has gotten me through some tough times...You can go to Cindy's
Myspace site to hear the actual song.

There's nothing like the warmth of a summer afternoon
Waking to the sunlight, and being cradled by the moon
Catching fireflies at night
Building castles in the sand
Kissing Mama's face goodnight
Holding Daddy's hand
Thank you Lord, how could I ask for more

Running barefoot through the grass
A little hide and go seek
Being so in love, that you can hardly eat
Dancing in the dark, when there's no one else around
Being bundled 'neath the covers, watching snow
Fall to the ground
Thank you Lord, how could I ask for more

So many things I thought would bring me happiness
Some dreams that are realities today
Such an irony the things that mean the most to me
Are the memories that I've made along the way

So if there's anything I've learned
From this journey I am on
Simple truths will keep you going
Simple love will keep you strong
Cause there are questions without answers
Flames that never die
Heartaches we go through are often blessings in disguise
So thank you Lord, oh thank you Lord
How could I ask for more

"Above All" Video by Michael W. Smith

2007-09-05T18:48:00.000-07:00

Bridge Over Troubled Water

2007-08-02T19:51:00.000-07:00

The first thing I thought about when I heard the news about the collapsing of the bridge in Minneapolis, was of Jesus describing to his disciples what things would be like in the last days. He warned that there would be "wars and rumors of wars" as well as calamaties and disasters. Yesterday was a disaster. Katrina was a disaster. The tsunami was a disaster. 9/11 was a disaster. That's four different episodes within six years. That's nearly one disaster a year. Three of those happened in the United States. God is still trying to get somebody's attention. It's worrisome to me to know that I am living in the last days. It saddens me to see a world that has gone so totally against God. All the Biblical prophesies for Christ's return have been fulfilled. We have to be ready. We have to be ready to meet Him face to face.

I am fickle

2007-07-29T05:53:00.000-07:00

"When I remember that God is Creator and I am created, God is perfect and I am flawed, God is pure love and I am fickle, God is good and loves me anyway, I rest and find strength in committing my life to His glory." ---Angela Thomas

Stained Glass Windows

2007-07-28T19:42:00.000-07:00

People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within. --Elizabeth Kubler-Ross

Undo What I've Become

2007-07-07T18:01:00.000-07:00

I haven't been listening to our local Christian station, 88.7 The Cross lately, but today I was in Wayne's car running some errands and it happened to be on this station when this song came on. I love the chorus:

Rush Of Fools - Undo Lyrics

I've been here before, now here I am again
Standing at the door, praying You'll let me back in
To label me a prodigal would be
Only scratching the surface of who I've been known to be

[Chorus]
Turn me around pick me up
Undo what I've become
Bring me back to the place
Of forgiveness and grace
I need You, need Your help
I can't do this myself
You�re the only one who can undo
What I've become

I focused on the score, but I could never win
Trying to ignore, a life of hiding my sin
To label me a hypocrite would be
Only scratching the surface of who I've been known to be

[Chorus]
Turn me around pick me up
Undo what I've become
Bring me back to the place
Of forgiveness and grace
I need You, need Your help
I can't do this myself
You�re the only one who can undo
What I've become

Make every step lead me back to
The sovereign way that You

[Chorus]
Turn me around pick me up
Undo what I've become
Bring me back to the place
Of forgiveness and grace
I need You, need Your help
I can't do this myself
You�re the only one who can undo
What I've become

Hezekiah

2007-07-04T10:35:00.001-07:00

I have been reading in 2 Kings 20 about King Hezekiah who fell ill to the point of death. The prophet Isaiah went to him and told him, “…Put your house in order, because you are going to die; you will not recover” (v.1). Immediately, Hezekiah began to weep and asked the Lord to remember his faithfulness. Before Isaiah had left the court, God told him to go back to Hezekiah and tell him, “…I have heard your prayer and seen your tears; I will heal you” (v.5). God promised to add 15 years to Hezekiah’s life. Hearing of his illness, the King of Babylon sent gifts to Hezekiah, who was more than hospitable to the Babylonian messengers. Verse 13 says that “…There was nothing in his palace or in all his kingdom that Hezekiah did not show them.” As a result of his flashiness, God’s response was that everything and everyone would be carried off to Babylon. Hezekiah said, “The word of the Lord you have spoken is good. Will there not be peace and security in my lifetime?” (v.19).

These were my thoughts when I read this passage: First of all, was King Hezekiah sincere in his request that God spare his life? The Bible says that he “wept bitterly”, but I can’t help but wonder how I would react upon learning of a terminal illness and being told point blank that I was about to die. When I read this, I saw so much of myself because I knew that my response in this situation would be the same: “Lord, haven’t I served you? Haven’t I been faithful? Haven’t I been a good wife and mother? Why me, Lord?” Apparently, the condition of Hezekiah’s heart pleased God, because he extended his life by 15 years. I wonder if the promise of an absolute extension of life was more of a curse than a blessing for him? It seems to me that Hezekiah became proud and boastful in his remission. I’m not quite sure at this moment in Jewish history if the Babylonians were a very threat and enemy to Israel, but I would think that you would not want to lay all your cards on the table, so to speak, for an enemy or a friend. Some cards are worth holding to your chest and apparently God was not happy with Hezekiah’s showiness to the Babylonian messengers. Gifts or no gifts. For me, it is so hard to remember that everything I have is a blessing from the Lord. When I was a little girl, my daddy would remind me when I prayed to remember to thank the Lord for a roof over my head, clothes on my back and food on my table. As I’ve gotten older, those prayers have changed-mostly based on my circumstances-but I have forgotten the basics. It starts with remembering that absolutely nothing I have is “mine.” I am going to begin working on this mind-set.

Lastly, Hezekiah’s response for God’s judgment really concerned me. It was as if he was saying, “I’m okay with that (judgement), Lord. As long as it happens after I’m gone.” Did he not care enough for his family and descendants to be concerned about their future? Did he not care enough for his kingdom to prepare for the battle? It seems that he became complacent and carefree in his heart. I can’t help but think of how complacent I have become in my own heart for people who are lost without God as their Savior. I know that judgment is coming; I know that there is a battle to prepare for. And, yet, I haven’t done my part. For the most part, there is peace in my life; judgment will come after I am gone.

Oh, Father…for the grace to cover a complacent heart. Forgive me of my haughtiness and pride. Forgive me for not preparing others for your coming judgment. Thank you for the roof over my head, clothes on my back, and food on my table. Remind me, Father, that everything I have is a blessing from you. May You alone rule in my heart forever. Amen.

America the Beautiful

2007-07-03T20:12:00.001-07:00

In 1893, Katharine Lee Bates made a lecture trip to Colorado. It was there On Pike's Peak that she wrote the words to "America the Beautiful." She said, "It was then and there, as I was looking out over the sea-like expanse of fertile country spreading away so far under those ample skies, that the opening lines of the hymn floated into my mind." Bates' poem first appeared in a weekly newspaper called the "The Congregationalist." There were several revisions before the final version was published in 1913. According to a source from the Library of Congress on Patriotic Melodies, "'America the Beautiful' has been called 'an expression of patriotism at its finest.' It conveys an attitude of appreciation and gratitude for the nation's extraordinary physical beauty and abundance, without triumphalism."

O beautiful for spacious skies,
For amber waves of grain,
For purple mountain majesties
Above the fruited plain!
America! America!
God shed his grace on thee
And crown thy good with brotherhood
From sea to shining sea!

Paris

2007-06-27T19:48:00.000-07:00

I have to admit, I watched the Larry King talk show tonight. I never watch Larry King, but a friend of mine told me that Paris Hilton was going to be his guest. I don't pay that much attention to Paris. The only thing I know about her is that she is the Hilton heiress, she has a reality TV show with Nicole Richey, and she likes to party. Oh, and I heard that she had to serve jail time for driving under the influence. Apparently, she was recently released and now she wanted her first interview to be with Larry King (I also heard that Barbara Walters turned her down).

The point I would like to make is two-fold. First, there are fires burning in California and 18 inches of flooding in Texas, but the hot topic tonight on television was Paris Hilton's release from jail. There was even a countdown clock to the "interview event" posted on the show prior to Larry King! The media is relentless about poking the lives of celebrities in our face. It seems ever since the O.J. Simpson incident, the media and papparzi think that all we want to hear about is the lives of the rich and famous. Did I watch the interview? Yes. Should I have turned off my television? Double yes. I was wrong.

My second point is probably the whole reason I watched to begin with. Prior to the show, I saw a clip of Paris mention that, "God allows things to happen for a reason....this has changed my life." Of course, my ears perked up. Honestly, I was shocked that the word 'God' came out of her mouth. I would like to think that Paris had a come-to-Jesus moment while she was in jail. That in the midst of her despair and lowliness, she trusted God to pull her out of the pit. I don't know for sure that that actually happened, but I do believe that God is in the business of saving people when they no longer can save themselves. The biggest question the media is asking now is, "How serious is she? Is she a changed woman? What will Paris do now?" I was reminded of a verse in the Bible that says that, "Man looks at the outward appearance but God looks at the heart." How thankful I am that God judges us based on our hearts and not on our outward looks or how much money we have. Our hearts reveal everything about us. God knows that. That's why he chooses to reside in that very place when we accept his free gift of salvation. My prayer for Paris is that she truly has had a change of heart. What could be more of an amazing reminder of God's love than for Him to show the world that he can even work in the lives of the rich and famous?

Sponsorship

2007-06-19T19:41:00.000-07:00

We have decided to sponsor Sasha Kuryndin at the Regional Orphanage in Russia. I tried to upload his picture from the orphanage web site, but I wasn't able to. We sent money tonight for Sasha to have an "outing" and Boris, the administrator, has emailed that Sasha is "dreaming about new clothes and sneakers." I plan to do some shopping this weekend and hopefully send a package in the next few weeks. I also emailed Sasha tonight (Boris will have to translate for him) and introduced our family to him. I can't tell you how excited I am about helping this little boy. God has just put him on my heart and my prayer is that God's will for this little boy will somehow be lived out with our help. Please lift this little one up in your prayers. I shared with you on my last post about the circumstances that took him to the orphanage. "But we know that all things work together for good to those who
love the Lord."

Sasha

2007-06-11T17:39:00.001-07:00

Lisa Whelchel talks in her book, "Taking Care of the Me in Mommie," about “prayer starters” and how we can simply use the way we get dressed every day as conversation pieces with God. Off and on for the past several months, I’ve tried to put this concept in to practice while I put on my mascara. When I do remember, I pray, “Lord, give me eyes to see others through you.”

Ever since I found out about Kathy & John Bradford’s adoption of their Russian daughter, I have gotten interested in the Antares Orphanage in Kazakhstan. I went to the website and looked at the smiling faces of children that really have no reason to smile. I can’t imagine what life must be like in an orphanage, especially one overseas. A picture of a little boy named, Sasha, caught my attention so I decided to email the orphanage’s director to find out more about him. Here is what Boris, the director, had to say:

"Sasha was moved to the orphanage after her had drowned his sister in a well about 4 years ago. According with our stupid laws his mother has been imprisoned for 8 years but wasn't deprived of her parental rights. So she is still Sasha's "mother". Sasha lived at Poludinskiy Orphanage until September 2006. Then he was moved to the Regional Orphanage, Petropavlovsk. He is an average student but he is a very kind and affectionate boy. All his caretakers at Poludinskiy Orphanage and at the Regional Orphanage love him very much."

My heart just broke for this little boy. We try so hard to shelter our children from the cruelty of this world. Some children are never sheltered. Unfortunately, for them, they must see the world as it truly is. After a little more surfing on the website (www.antares-orphans.com), I found where it is possible to sponsor a child and I have since emailed Boris back to find out the proper protocol in which to do this. For right now, I ask that you simply pray for Sasha and what God would have us do to help this little boy. When I look at this little boy and think of the life he has lead thus far, I realize how spoiled Alise is. Not just with material things – which she is – but she is also spoiled by a love from her mother and father. She has the luxury of knowing what that feels like and knowing that when she wakes up every morning, that her mother and father will be there. That kind of love is no comparison to the love God has for His children. I know that God loves Sasha just like he loves Alise and all the other children in the world, whether young or old, black or white. We are all precious in His site. Thank you, God, for loving me with a love that never ends. Thank you for giving me eyes to see others through you.

I Can Only Imagine - MercyMe

2007-06-08T14:08:00.001-07:00

Today

2007-06-08T13:28:00.000-07:00

"The past, the present and the future are really one: they are today."
---Harriet Beecher Stowe

Quiet Time

2007-06-04T10:43:00.000-07:00

I have been struggling so hard with my quiet time. It comes and goes…I’ll do good for a few days and then life gets hectic or I get busy and slack off again. I know that God can’t be happy with me about this. It seems that my heart is in the right place, but I simply don’t follow through. Not having a quiet time has become a burden to me because I know from experience how life can be when spending time with God. Before I had Alise, I couldn’t go a day without spending time with the Lord. And I am by no means blaming my little girl for my failures. If anything, my desire for the Lord should be stronger now that I need direction and wisdom for her up-bringing. The truth is, it is the choices that I make that prevent me from having a daily quiet time. Alise goes to bed at a fairly descent hour and Wayne has been busy working on fixing up the rent out we bought next door. There is time, after the kitchen is cleaned up, lunch has been made for the next day, clothes have been folded, etc. to have that time that my spiritual body craves, but I make poor choices. I surf the internet, or blog, or get a bath and read a book. But most of the time, I’m simply too tired and not interested.

So, starting this week, I have come up with a new way to jump start my quiet times again using my old plan: 5 minutes praising God, 5 minutes reading God’s work, and 5 minutes praying to God. That’s how my quiet time took off nearly 8 years ago. And it worked! The 15 minutes became 20 and then 30 and before I knew it, I couldn’t go a day without seeking and spending time with God. I pray that God will bless our times together and that he will “renew a steadfast spirit within me” (Psalms).

Why don't Christians share Christ?

2007-06-03T16:12:00.000-07:00

This insert was in our bulletin today at church:

33.5% afraid of being rejected, embarrassed
21.7% afraid of not having answers
19.2% rarely think about the need
17.3% don't know what to say
8.3% haven't found a way to share that fits personal style

Closed Doors

2007-05-30T20:01:00.000-07:00

"When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us."
--Helen Keller

When I read this quote by Helen Keller, I was gently reminded of how blinded I have become to the circumstances in my life. I truly believe that the door to my idea of "having a career" has been closed. It closed the day our competitor bought the facility where I work. But I notice that "work" is a present-tense verb. It doesn't end in "ed." I still work. I still have a job to get up to each and every morning. The choice I made to stay here in Monroe and be close to my family was not a closed door at all. It was a window of new opportunity and fulfillment. For the first three months of this year, I did nothing but dwell on the negative and my unhappiness. I wasn't looking at the opened window. I am so blessed that God has worked my situation and frustrations out for good. He loves me enough to allow me to be close to the ones I love and to have time for my husband and daughter. My career would have taken away from that. Thank you, God, for loving me enough to have a plan for my life and giving me the wisdom to see it.

So Far to Go

2007-05-14T19:33:00.000-07:00

Bill's Mother's Day sermon left me feeling like I have so far to go with Alise and that the job I've currently done simply hasn't been up to par. Why else would my two year old daughter scream and cry at the top of her lungs in the middle of a crowded store? And on Mother's Day of all days? I already feel like I have failed and yet I'm only just beginning. Am I setting a good example? Why do I let her pick Elmo books to read at night instead of reading her the new Bible story book I bought her? Why do I lavish her with gifts without letting her see the need in others? Why don't I have more patience? Why do I feel like I am constantly saying, "No" and "Don't do that!"? Motherhood just is not fun right now. I am discouraged and I feel like a failure in most respects. More than anything, I wanted someone to tell me that I am a good mother. I just needed to hear it. The words never came. Instead, my two year old daughter buried her tear stained face in my neck and said, "Mommie, I sorry. I so sorry." I told her with tears in my own eyes, "I am, too, Baby. I am, too."

Queen Elizabeth II

2007-05-05T21:07:00.000-07:00

"To many of us, our beliefs are of fundamental importance. For me, the teachings of Christ, and my own personal accountability before God provide a framework in which I try to lead my life. I, like so many of you, have drawn great comfort in difficult times from Christ's words and example."
--Queen Elizabeth II

Use Me

2007-04-29T17:50:00.000-07:00

Notes from Bill's sermon: 40 Days of Community: Evangelism
April 29, 2007

Personal Evangelism
1. Begin with an attitude of unselfishness
2. Bathe it in prayer - "Prayer Makes You Aware"
3. Build relationships through shared interests
4. Learn to love people - "How can I pray for you?"
5. Share your story - You are the message!
6. Be a genuine friend
7. Live expecting God to act
8. Imitate Christ be reflecting His character - Philippians 2:15
Bill said, "Our most dangerous prayer is when we pray, 'Lord, use me'".

As I was listening to Bill's sermon this morning, a person I work with popped into my head. Let's just call her Diane. I've heard from other co-workers that Diane is having an affair with a married man. She has confided this fact to one of my employees, but she has never said anything to me specifically. The only thing that Diane has mentioned to me is that she's interested in her next door neighbor (not the guy she's having the affair with). Once, I asked my employee, "I wonder why Diane doesn't tell me these things?" She responded, "Oh, Laura. Diane couldn't tell you about all that. She knows that you're not like that." When my employee first told me that, I was a little hurt. Hurt because I wasn't enough of a friend for Diane to confide in. But what my employee meant by her comment, was that Diane knew that I wouldn't approve of her behavior and that I was "different." In other words, I was a "goody two-shoes" (another phrase that has haunted me my whole entire life, but we'll get into that at another date). I wondered to myself what I would have said to Diane if she had told me what was going on with her. I know I would have told her that she was wrong and that I didn't approve of the lifestyle she was living.

But today, Bill said that God places people in our lives for a reason, and I thought about Diane. We already have a shared interest. We're both bean counters. I've tried my best to be a genuine friend and to reflect Christ's character. But to be honest, I haven't even thought about praying for Diane. She told me once that she grew up Baptist and I mentioned our church celebrating Easter at the Colesium, but that's just about all the "church" talk we've had. And probably the reason I haven't thought about praying for Diane is because I didn't think it would do any good. This morning, I was reminded that my faith has been shallow. I haven't allowed God to act in this situation. I had already written it off as hopeless.

So, I've had a change of heart. I pray that God will prove me wrong. I pray that where I may see a hopeless situation with Diane, that He will see an opportunity to act in a way that I could never imagine. I also pray that God will "use me." Obviously, Diane already feels that I'm "different." Now, I pray that God will give me the opportunity to talk to her--but not about what she's doing wrong, but about what God has done in my life. Pray with me for Diane.

Sam

2007-04-24T13:17:00.000-07:00

Those words, "I think I got saved today" would later haunt me in my high school/college/young adult years. It was during those years that I did some things that I am not particuliarly proud of today and so they're not really worth mentioning. But I did begin hanging out with friends who weren't Christians and I got involved in an unhealthy relationship with a guy who wasn't a Christian, either. I was living the life of a backsliden Christian. I had one foot in church (because my parents made me go) and the other who knows where! My life was in a state of flux and for the first time in my life, I began doubting my salvation. All I could think about were all the unhealthy things I had done and how there was no way possible that God could ever forgive me. I became numb to the Holy Spirit. I simply no longer cared. I was doing what I wanted to do.

Then, out of the blue, a guy from my church called me up and asked me if I would be interested in going on a date. Let's just call this guy Sam. Sam was a great guy and he attended the local Christian school where he was a star football player. His parents and older brother attended our church and his family was well respected. I was shocked that Sam was calling me. After all, he had dated off and on with alot of the girls my age in our church and I was a little wary of him. But for the first time in a while, I felt I needed a change. My relationship with the other guy wasn't going that well and we eventually broke up. Sam and I dated for a summer and our relationship changed my life forever. God used our dating relationship to draw me back to Himself. You see, even though I knew that I was dating the "wrong guy," I was secretly praying that God would send a Christian guy my way. And so, for that summer, Sam was that guy. But we eventually broke up, too. I don't remember the reason exactly, but I remember being so hurt because I had trusted Sam with alot of details about my life. Not that he would ever think about sharing that with someone ( to my knowledge, he didn't), but it was such a bittersweet break up for me. I thought Sam was the guy, but God thought differently.

If there is one thing that God continues to teach me over and over again, it's that, "... My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the Lord" (Isaiah 55:8). And sometimes my expectations are so high, that I am left hurt or disappointed, which is what happened with Sam. But I am convinced that God used a guy like Sam to bring me back into a relationship with Him. Now, of course, there were other moments of disobedience, but I can honestly say that I never strayed from the Lord as far as I had been prior to Sam entering my life. Everyone has heard the old phrase, "where God closes a door, He opens a window." And that's exactly what happened. The window He opened was the pathway that lead to my Christian husband.

The Beginning of the Journey

2007-04-23T18:59:00.000-07:00

A friend asked me once why I like to write. I don't consider writing a passion for me; however, I do--from time to time--like to express my thoughts and feelings by writing them down. You see, writing began for me at Christmas time the year I was in the third grade. A single friend that my mom worked with gave me a Christmas present. It was a pink diary from Hallmark. I can still see Betsy Clark on the front of it (Does that bring back memories, or what?). Thus began my writing and journaling. Now, for a third grader, you know that there wasn't very much to those writings. "Went to school. Saw Andrea. Went bicycle riding with Melinda." Lots of misspelled words. But as I grew older, that same practice became a part of my every day life. I have hot pink spiral notebooks that recount just about every single day of my life in high school...all written out in purple or pink ink...in cursive or print...recounting who said what and what had happened on that particuliar day. I've hidden those diaries. I haven't looked at them in years. More from embararssement at my shenanigans in those days and simply for the desire to keep the past buried. Sometimes, the past just isn't worth re-reading.

I say all of this because I want you to understand that this blog--The Journey--is more about me than my family. It's simply another diary of my present life. But I want it to be more than just a review of the day's events. I'm hoping that it will be more about the spiritual journey that I'm on. More uplifting and a blessing to others as they read and discover the God that I know and love and His merciful work in my life. I haven't mentioned The Journey blog in the Horton Family blog simply because this one is personal. If others happen to stumble across it, then that's fine. If you enjoy it, please pass it on to others.

As for the pink Betsy Clark diary, I still have that one, too. It's at my parent's house buried in a box somewhere in the attic. But there is a line in that diary, written in print and in blue ink. It's on about the third page and it reads: "I think I got saved today." That pink diary represents the beginning of The Journey.

The Will Of God

2007-04-17T19:08:00.000-07:00

"Out of the will of God there is no such thing as success; in the will of God there cannot be any failure." --Author Unknown